Dear Whomever is on my Christmas Card List,
This has been an eventful year full of things that we did and you didn’t. Na nana boo boo. Don’t worry, I’m going to brag a lot but do it in a way that seems like I am not. Mostly, I want you to read about my life and wish you were me.
If you’re in the dark ages and haven’t seen my entire life played out on Facebook and Twitter, then you don’t yet realize how much my life is so much better than yours. I went on a vacation that you have only dreamed of. Don’t you wish you were me? We decided to show the children how our ancestors lived. We had luxurious accommodations in a beach front tent on the outskirts of our city. Granted, the other guests of that beach apparently had moved there to live. Some of their tents were made of cardboard and smelled of urine.
My husband got promoted to head sanitary engineer. Sorry yours got laid off, but I warned you about his profession as a software engineer. My husband is just better at his job than yours was. Plus, I work crazy hard dealing with the cleaning and yard staff. The least they could do is be grateful for the time I spend babysitting them by doing all my housework. The funny thing is that since they started cleaning for me, my toilets have been spotless.
The twins are both straight A students with offers from élite colleges that we can’t tell you about. My husband and I are encouraging them to pass on college as they were given the incredible opportunity to work at the same place he does. If they work hard, they can be as successful as he is within six months. Who needs college when you have offers like this one?
Speaking of children, our 25-year-old son, Ted, is doing well. His slackadaisical© lifestyle is marvelous, though he still lives at home with us. He is now considering moving to Washington or Colorado. I asked him why he choose those two states; he said because they were green. I am so proud of my environmentalist son. Plus, the other night he cooked dinner for us. He let us pick whatever variety of Hamburger Helper we wanted! Then he made brownies. Then we ate more Hamburger Helper.
I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas even though it won’t be as wonderful as ours.
Your annoying friend