Dear Whomever is on my Christmas Card List,
This has been an eventful year full of things that we did and you didn’t. Na nana boo boo. Don’t worry, I’m going to brag a lot but do it in a way that seems like I am not. Mostly, I want you to read about my life and wish you were me.
So much fun! We live the life!
If you’re in the dark ages and haven’t seen my entire life played out on Facebook and Twitter, then you don’t yet realize how much my life is so much better than yours. I went on a vacation that you have only dreamed of. Don’t you wish you were me? We decided to show the children how our ancestors lived. We had luxurious accommodations in a beach front tent on the outskirts of our city. Granted, the other guests of that beach apparently had moved there to live. Some of their tents were made of cardboard and smelled of urine.
My husband got promoted to head sanitary engineer. Sorry yours got laid off, but I warned you about his profession as a software engineer. My husband is just better at his job than yours was. Plus, I work crazy hard dealing with the cleaning and yard staff. The least they could do is be grateful for the time I spend babysitting them by doing all my housework. The funny thing is that since they started cleaning for me, my toilets have been spotless.
The twins are both straight A students with offers from élite colleges that we can’t tell you about. My husband and I are encouraging them to pass on college as they were given the incredible opportunity to work at the same place he does. If they work hard, they can be as successful as he is within six months. Who needs college when you have offers like this one?
*cough* Jason
Speaking of children, our 25-year-old son, Ted, is doing well. His slackadaisical© lifestyle is marvelous, though he still lives at home with us. He is now considering moving to Washington or Colorado. I asked him why he choose those two states; he said because they were green. I am so proud of my environmentalist son. Plus, the other night he cooked dinner for us. He let us pick whatever variety of Hamburger Helper we wanted! Then he made brownies. Then we ate more Hamburger Helper.
I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas even though it won’t be as wonderful as ours.
Not sincerely,
Your annoying friend
So that was you camping beside my cardboard box.
Awww you figured it out
I hope all our grunting and moaning didn’t keep you up all night. I know those cardboard boxes are pretty thin.
You need to keep down the grunting when you’re pooing.
Hahahahahahaha yea sure that was it.
LOL I knew it
THE WAY YOU ARE ENJOYING YOUR LIFE IS AN INSPIRATION TO ME. I DO RELISH YOUR MOMENTS AS IF I AM YOU.
Awww thanks sweetness
That first picture reminds me of this one time, at band camp…
LOL exactly.
I enjoyed this so much:))) Annoying successful friends! But you have more fun than they have:)
I always have fun
It’s not that I want to be you, it’s that I intend to become you. Single White Female style. Bwahahahaha…. (enter robotic Joan Jett minion army)
LOL Are you not already me?
I hope that you have a wonderful Christmas!!!
You too Terry!
You are right on target with this one! I did read a few that tried to be more humble this year but I had 3 friends who traveled to places I wished I could and one whose kids are wayyyy ahead of mine and younger! Oh well! Luv, R.
LOL Well this person isn’t having that great of a life, she is just making everything sounds better. Don’t we all?
Mmmmmm Hambooger Helper. The other other white meat. I just got my first Christmas letter in the mail. Asking me, among other things, if I had a job yet or if I was still “watching” my children.
LOL watching your children. There is a new one. I bet your husband babysits when you go out too.
as always, a cute, acute, astute and a hoot salute.
not to mention that you’re cute, too
Permission to be your fan
I bet he lets you
I am danged adorable
I’m thankful I don’t receive Christmas cards, mainly because my friends do not believe in cards and those who believe are not my friends and the that pretend to be don’t bother to send me one because what I have is not a family.
I’m counting my blessings.
I would send you a card. It would say Roses are Red, Violets are blue, na nana na na, boo boo
I loved your Christmas card. You did so much more than me! So funny.
I have fun, I tell you. Camping with the HOBOs was the best.
I’m sure it was. LOL
Haha! That picture of the toothbrush in the toilet cracked me up!
LOL I am glad.
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I hope you have pictures of all this to share at your next high school reunion. Now I am going to find a nice clean rock to hang out under since I just can’t measure up. And to think I was so proud that we finally could afford air for the tricycle tire!
Awww yeah that air adds up quick.
That was you? Wow, I would’ve stopped to say hi but I was afraid of the blacker plague. It’s coming back. In pog form. Well, I’ll be sure to drop off some spaghetti next time.
Only if it has meat balls.
This is classic plus. You should be selling the letter for those of us who don’t have a life.
LOL I will give you a hint, if you don’t have a life, make one up!
Ha! Good luck to your son. Glad he is green and not any of the plumbing! k.
LOL I do wish him the best.
How do you get those smiley faces to appear at the end of your quips? Whenever I crack a joke people think I’m serious and stupid…
Ahh just type them in. If you type : and then ) next to each other it makes a smile
You’ve got to be joking
You’re serious!!! Wow!!!
Only serious in a ;;) way.
::)
:p
Loved the Xmas card. Glad to see you and the Fam doing so well. Maybe you can come visit ME at my Beachfront Property by the Swamp. It;s very quiet but a little smelly during the Summer months. Bring some Ammonia for the nose. Hamburger Helper….Mmmmm Mmmmm Good. If your son turns down your husbands job, perhaps I could hire him as my cook…See what he says…
Merry Christmas…
Sooz
LOL I will ask him.
Awesome. Oh by the way, I think I’ve seen that “camper” the last time I was in Hawaii visiting family. I like the way he yells at us to “stay off his lawn”. Donkey. Happy Holidays you joyful jezebel!
Yep… It was so much fun in Hawaii.
Happy Xmas, Becca. And good green vibes to you and your family. I’m very Californian about sending green vibes, now. Peace.
Peace love.
You nailed it! We get at least one Christmas letter not too much different from this one every year. Last year we got one with really bad Haiku, that was even asterisked to explain wrongly what Haiku is. It inspired the whole family to go on a bad Haiku writing binge that kept us entertained for hours.
Bad Haiku sees you too
what can you do to escape
This crazy haiku fate?
Your blog posts always cheer me up
I am glad to hear it. ((Hugs))
Dear Becca:
I’d love to tell you about my life this past year, but then I’d have to kill you. . . me. . . I mean then I’d have to kill me.
Merry Christmas,
Baking In A Tornado
XOXO
LOL Ahh sounds like we both might be gone.
xoxox
Miss Becca Paparazzi photographing me in the privacy of my beach front home :/
Sorry, it was rude of me to use that photo of you before asking your permission Mr. G.
I forgive you
We get a few of the ‘brag letters’. I’d make fun of them here, but I don’t actually read them. Because their lives are so much better than mine. Yep
LOL right.
I heard Ted was going to be giving seminars over the summer on living the lackadaisical lifestyle.
Coming to a beach near you.
He is. He, his speeches, and his brownies are all famous.
Thanks for all the blog love! So glad I made my way back to yours — this is brilliant! Reminds me of David Sedaris’ (and he’s one of my favorites) Holidays on Ice.
Oh I haven’t seen that. Thanks so much Alyssa ((Hugs))
I hate “just to keep you up-to-date” form letters stuck in christmas cards especially the “reading” part that is soooo annoying. This year the one sender I could rely on informed me via her this is my life story that I will not be getting anymore christmas cards from her, she is donating her card money to “friends of heifers”. Unfortunately, that does not include me.
I love the Heifer project. That said, that is really a impersonal and rude way to address it. Then to tell you that you were not on the list. You should send one back.
Hi,
Got you letter. My year was better than yours. I also didn’t get you a gift in your name.
love,
Hollie.
the whole family is together, so what’s the problem? I guess none. happy holidays!
Not the whole family. I adopted you, remember.
is that for real? I feel so honored.
yep
We specialize in slackadaiscal here in Colorado. The only thing we’re lacking is that urine-reeking beach!
Awww you need one. I bet a few of your lakes have them.
Can you take me with you next time when you vacation? I don’t believe I’ve really lived until I have done everything you have. Congrats on the kids’ accomplishments!
LOL well this a letter to me, not my letter. That said, you can go with them I am sure.
Lol!
You so neatly described the Facebook generation there…hahahaa…
I know, everyone is different and uses Social Networks differently but do we have to see every detail of where people take a dump and where they go and who they are with?
It’s so…look at me everyone, I’m having a great time…don’t you wish you were here with me…
I get asked to put more pictures up so people can be voyeurs of my life without having to pick up a phone or…see me in person…now there’s an idea.
Rant aside, I know social networks can be great and your post made me laugh..but Becca, I didn’t see you in that camping photo.
Were you the one taking the picture?…Did you tag your friends in it?….lol!
Oh that was a letter from a friend, not my letter.
I have taken people’s ability to tag me away. LOL I am with you and your rant.