A Christmas Letter

Dear Whomever is on my Christmas Card List,

This has been an eventful year full of things that we did and you didn’t.  Na nana boo boo.  Don’t worry, I’m going to brag a lot but do it in a way that seems like I am not. Mostly, I want you to read about my life and wish you were me.

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So much fun! We live the life!

If you’re in the dark ages and haven’t seen my entire life played out on Facebook and Twitter, then you don’t yet realize how much my life is so much better than yours.  I went on a vacation that you have only dreamed of. Don’t you wish you were me? We decided to show the children how our ancestors lived.  We had luxurious accommodations in a beach front tent on the outskirts of our city.  Granted, the other guests of that beach apparently had moved there to live.  Some of their tents were made of cardboard and smelled of urine.

My husband got promoted to head sanitary engineer.  Sorry yours got laid off, but I warned you about his profession as a software engineer.  My husband is just better at his job than yours was.  Plus, I work crazy hard dealing with the cleaning and yard staff. The least they could do is be grateful for the time I spend babysitting them by doing all my housework.  The funny thing is that since they started cleaning for me, my toilets have been spotless.

 A Christmas Letter

The twins are both straight A students with offers from élite colleges that we can’t tell you about.  My husband and I are encouraging them to pass on college as they were given the incredible opportunity to work at the same place he does.  If they work hard, they can be as successful as he is within six months.  Who needs college when you have offers like this one?

meanwhile in colorado 33019 A Christmas Letter

*cough* Jason

Speaking of children, our 25-year-old son, Ted, is doing well.  His slackadaisical© lifestyle is marvelous, though he still lives at home with us. He is now considering moving  to Washington or Colorado.  I asked him why he choose those two states; he said because they were green.  I am so proud of my environmentalist son.  Plus, the other night he cooked dinner for us.  He let us pick whatever variety of Hamburger Helper we wanted! Then he made brownies. Then we ate more Hamburger Helper.

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas even though it won’t be as wonderful as ours.

Not sincerely,

Your annoying friend


A Christmas Letter — 81 Comments

  1. You are right on target with this one! I did read a few that tried to be more humble this year but I had 3 friends who traveled to places I wished I could and one whose kids are wayyyy ahead of mine and younger! Oh well! Luv, R.

  2. I’m thankful I don’t receive Christmas cards, mainly because my friends do not believe in cards and those who believe are not my friends and the that pretend to be don’t bother to send me one because what I have is not a family.
    I’m counting my blessings.

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  4. I hope you have pictures of all this to share at your next high school reunion. Now I am going to find a nice clean rock to hang out under since I just can’t measure up. And to think I was so proud that we finally could afford air for the tricycle tire!

  5. Loved the Xmas card. Glad to see you and the Fam doing so well. Maybe you can come visit ME at my Beachfront Property by the Swamp. It;s very quiet but a little smelly during the Summer months. Bring some Ammonia for the nose. Hamburger Helper….Mmmmm Mmmmm Good. If your son turns down your husbands job, perhaps I could hire him as my cook…See what he says…
    Merry Christmas…

  6. Awesome. Oh by the way, I think I’ve seen that “camper” the last time I was in Hawaii visiting family. I like the way he yells at us to “stay off his lawn”. Donkey. Happy Holidays you joyful jezebel! :D

  7. You nailed it! We get at least one Christmas letter not too much different from this one every year. Last year we got one with really bad Haiku, that was even asterisked to explain wrongly what Haiku is. It inspired the whole family to go on a bad Haiku writing binge that kept us entertained for hours.

  8. I hate “just to keep you up-to-date” form letters stuck in christmas cards especially the “reading” part that is soooo annoying. This year the one sender I could rely on informed me via her this is my life story that I will not be getting anymore christmas cards from her, she is donating her card money to “friends of heifers”. Unfortunately, that does not include me.

    • I love the Heifer project. That said, that is really a impersonal and rude way to address it. Then to tell you that you were not on the list. You should send one back.

      Got you letter. My year was better than yours. I also didn’t get you a gift in your name.


  9. Lol!
    You so neatly described the Facebook generation there…hahahaa…
    I know, everyone is different and uses Social Networks differently but do we have to see every detail of where people take a dump and where they go and who they are with?
    It’s so…look at me everyone, I’m having a great time…don’t you wish you were here with me…
    I get asked to put more pictures up so people can be voyeurs of my life without having to pick up a phone or…see me in person…now there’s an idea. ;-)

    Rant aside, I know social networks can be great and your post made me laugh..but Becca, I didn’t see you in that camping photo.
    Were you the one taking the picture?…Did you tag your friends in it?….lol! :-P

Oh you know you want to give verbal ejaculation a try. Spit it out!