Beccates                                               

from Beccapedia, the unbelievable encyclopedia (authored by Rodney A. Worthington)

Beccates are a family of polysensual psychochlorates noted for their dramatic effect on human behavior.  The beccate molecule has been described as “a bunch of tinker toys held together with rubber bands”, and this unusual structure is what allows it to freely change its configuration between three different forms.  All forms of the molecule defy the normally accepted states of matter – hovering somewhere between a liquid and a gas – and this has led many scientists to deny their existence altogether.  Beccates are colorless, have an odor that has been described as “a freshly-washed baby”, and taste uncannily like Southern Comfort.  They are one of the most addictive substances known to humankind, but are currently unregulated.  Beccates are also known by the street names borg and digit.

Contents

1. History and occurance

2. Mechanism of action

3. Forms

3.1 Beccadone

3.2 Beccadine

3.3 Beccanol

3.4 Beccahol

4. Attempts at regulation

5. Treatment

6. References

 

History and occurance                                           

The origin of beccates is a matter of some conjecture, since no reference to them can be found prior to 1990.  They occur naturally, but are incredibly rare, being found only at an undisclosed location in the state of Texas, U.S.A.  Most beccates are obtained online, and though these synthetic variants are not as addictive as the more powerful natural beccates, they still account for a significant amount of lost work time, eye strain, carpal tunnel injuries, and wrist fatigue, especially in men.

 

Mechanism of action                                              

All forms of the beccate molecule target the frontal lobe of the brain, catalyzing dopamine production and effectively hijacking the user’s freedom of choice.  It has been suggested that beccates can act at a distance, perhaps even electronically or digitally, but these claims remain unverified.  The particular state of the beccate molecule seems to be dependent on a combination of factors, chief among these being the current time in Texas, the current phase of the moon, and the sex and IQ of the user.  Though the molecule can change states unpredictably, it is nonetheless stable.

 

Forms                                                                       

Beccadone

Beccadone, a mild euphoric, is the most benign state of the beccate molecule.  A person under the influence of beccadone will report a feeling of relaxation and general well-being; they may suffer mild hallucinations, claiming to see a figure surrounded by softly glowing light, sometimes described as “an angel”.  The effects of beccadone differ substantially depending on the sex and age of the user.  Women past the onset of puberty exhibit symptoms of extreme absent-mindedness, forgetting to put away objects such as drinking glasses and carelessly dropping things on the floor, seemingly under the impression that “someone else will get it.”  Men of all ages and prepubescent females tend to become docile and subservient.  Beccadone users are prone to technophilia, and easily become fixated on anything that has a screen.  It has been reported that, on average,  beccadone users text and chat up to 35% more than non-users.

Beccadine

Beccadine is a potent stimulant that exhibits effects similar to amphetamines, giving users a surge of energy and allowing them to do several unrelated tasks at once.  It seems to affect both sexes equally. A person under the influence of beccadine has a heightened sensitivity to the colors red and yellow, and will show anxiety if these two colors are in close proximity to one another^[1].  They may become disassociated from the passage of time, being so focused on various tasks that they forget to drink, eat, bath, or sleep.  Beccadine users invariably crave salt.

Beccanol

Beccanol is a powerful hallucinogenic that generally seems to affect males more strongly than females.  The symptoms of a person in the grip of beccanol addiction is usually what comes to mind when someone thinks of a “becc-head”.  Beccanol addicts are obsessed with sexual thoughts, and often have exaggerated ideas concerning both their sexual prowess and their appeal.  Beccanol’s aphrodisiacal qualities are well-documented: as one researcher put it, “This stuff makes Spanish Fly look like tap water.”

Addicts can become moody and impatient, and often forsake family, friends, and previous interests.  If the beccate molecule does not shift states,  there is a high probability the user will withdraw from daily life and  disappear.  Most beccanol addicts eventually resurface in Texas, usually seeking membership in  “The Beccaneers”, an outlaw motorcycle gang.

Beccahol

Coupled with alcohol, the beccanol molecule undergoes a subtle but important change, becoming beccahol.  The effects on the user are devastating.  Beccaholics, as they are sometimes called, may suffer severe mood swings, being dangerously aggressive one moment, and then dissolving into tears the next.  Reality and fantasy often become blurred, causing the beccaholic to forget his marital status as well as the marital status of any attractive female that happens to be nearby.  They are also prone to make inappropriate comments at gatherings, seemingly oblivious to normal social conventions, or the presence of children.

 

Attempts at regulation                                           

There have been two major attempts at beccate regulation, both initiated by Congresswoman Prudence Dryden in the House of Representatives, and both of which ended in abject failure.  The first was introduced as part of the Prevert Reduction Act of 1998.  The floor debate quickly turned ugly, marked by increasingly personal comments concerning the Congresswoman’s attractiveness and sex drive, and culminated in the assertion by Texas Congressman Gus Winchester that “the Republic . . . uh . . . State of Texas will do everything necessary to defend it’s natural treasures.”

Undeterred, the Congresswoman tried again two years later, this time burying provisions for beccate regulation deep in the Domestic Recipe Protection Act of 2000.  When Congressman Woody Harding discovered these hidden provisions, he famously declared, “Today it’s Beccates, tomorrow it will be Viagra.”  The final vote was split solidly along gender lines, and no attempt at beccate regulation has been made since.

 

Treatment                                                               

To date, the beccate molecule has proven stubbornly resistant to any treatment that would mitigate its effects.  The chief obstacle to clinical beccate trials is the extreme addictiveness of the substance: technicians invariable become addicted themselves, as recently happened in Georgia^[2].

Research has focused on beccanol and beccahol, due to the deleterious effects of the two forms on both the individual and society at large.  For beccanol addicts, the use of HandzOff^[2] has reportedly led to some relief, but the huge amounts necessary have led to concerns over collateral damage to the spleen.  For beccaholics, the best treatment seems to be a cold drink thrown in the face, followed by a push into the swimming pool, if one happens to be available.  A swift kick to the testicles has also proven effective.

 

References                                                               

1. My Favorite What?!

2. WTF Friday #3