Beccapedia

Beccates                                               

from Beccapedia, the unbelievable encyclopedia (authored by Rodney A. Worthington)

Beccates are a family of polysensual psychochlorates noted for their dramatic effect on human behavior.  The beccate molecule has been described as “a bunch of tinker toys held together with rubber bands”, and this unusual structure is what allows it to freely change its configuration between three different forms.  All forms of the molecule defy the normally accepted states of matter – hovering somewhere between a liquid and a gas – and this has led many scientists to deny their existence altogether.  Beccates are colorless, have an odor that has been described as “a freshly-washed baby”, and taste uncannily like Southern Comfort.  They are one of the most addictive substances known to humankind, but are currently unregulated.  Beccates are also known by the street names borg and digit.

 Beccapedia

Two forms of the beccate molecule:
beccadone (left), and beccadine (right).

Contents

1. History and occurance

2. Mechanism of action

3. Forms

3.1 Beccadone

3.2 Beccadine

3.3 Beccanol

3.4 Beccahol

4. Attempts at regulation

5. Treatment

6. References

 

History and occurance                                           

The origin of beccates is a matter of some conjecture, since no reference to them can be found prior to 1990.  They occur naturally, but are incredibly rare, being found only at an undisclosed location in the state of Texas, U.S.A.  Most beccates are obtained online, and though these synthetic variants are not as addictive as the more powerful natural beccates, they still account for a significant amount of lost work time, eye strain, carpal tunnel injuries, and wrist fatigue, especially in men.

 

Mechanism of action                                              

All forms of the beccate molecule target the frontal lobe of the brain, catalyzing dopamine production and effectively hijacking the user’s freedom of choice.  It has been suggested that beccates can act at a distance, perhaps even electronically or digitally, but these claims remain unverified.  The particular state of the beccate molecule seems to be dependent on a combination of factors, chief among these being the current time in Texas, the current phase of the moon, and the sex and IQ of the user.  Though the molecule can change states unpredictably, it is nonetheless stable.

 

Forms                                                                       

Beccadone

Beccadone, a mild euphoric, is the most benign state of the beccate molecule.  A person under the influence of beccadone will report a feeling of relaxation and general well-being; they may suffer mild hallucinations, claiming to see a figure surrounded by softly glowing light, sometimes described as “an angel”.  The effects of beccadone differ substantially depending on the sex and age of the user.  Women past the onset of puberty exhibit symptoms of extreme absent-mindedness, forgetting to put away objects such as drinking glasses and carelessly dropping things on the floor, seemingly under the impression that “someone else will get it.”  Men of all ages and prepubescent females tend to become docile and subservient.  Beccadone users are prone to technophilia, and easily become fixated on anything that has a screen.  It has been reported that, on average,  beccadone users text and chat up to 35% more than non-users.

Beccadine

Beccadine is a potent stimulant that exhibits effects similar to amphetamines, giving users a surge of energy and allowing them to do several unrelated tasks at once.  It seems to affect both sexes equally. A person under the influence of beccadine has a heightened sensitivity to the colors red and yellow, and will show anxiety if these two colors are in close proximity to one another[1].  They may become disassociated from the passage of time, being so focused on various tasks that they forget to drink, eat, bath, or sleep.  Beccadine users invariably crave salt.

Beccanol

Beccanol is a powerful hallucinogenic that generally seems to affect males more strongly than females.  The symptoms of a person in the grip of beccanol addiction is usually what comes to mind when someone thinks of a “becc-head”.  Beccanol addicts are obsessed with sexual thoughts, and often have exaggerated ideas concerning both their sexual prowess and their appeal.  Beccanol’s aphrodisiacal qualities are well-documented: as one researcher put it, “This stuff makes Spanish Fly look like tap water.”

beccaneer 300x195 Beccapedia

You ain’t from around here, are you boy?

Addicts can become moody and impatient, and often forsake family, friends, and previous interests.  If the beccate molecule does not shift states,  there is a high probability the user will withdraw from daily life and  disappear.  Most beccanol addicts eventually resurface in Texas, usually seeking membership in  “The Beccaneers”, an outlaw motorcycle gang.

Beccahol

Coupled with alcohol, the beccanol molecule undergoes a subtle but important change, becoming beccahol.  The effects on the user are devastating.  Beccaholics, as they are sometimes called, may suffer severe mood swings, being dangerously aggressive one moment, and then dissolving into tears the next.  Reality and fantasy often become blurred, causing the beccaholic to forget his marital status as well as the marital status of any attractive female that happens to be nearby.  They are also prone to make inappropriate comments at gatherings, seemingly oblivious to normal social conventions, or the presence of children.

 

Attempts at regulation                                           

There have been two major attempts at beccate regulation, both initiated by Congresswoman Prudence Dryden in the House of Representatives, and both of which ended in abject failure.  The first was introduced as part of the Prevert Reduction Act of 1998.  The floor debate quickly turned ugly, marked by increasingly personal comments concerning the Congresswoman’s attractiveness and sex drive, and culminated in the assertion by Texas Congressman Gus Winchester that “the Republic . . . uh . . . State of Texas will do everything necessary to defend it’s natural treasures.”

Undeterred, the Congresswoman tried again two years later, this time burying provisions for beccate regulation deep in the Domestic Recipe Protection Act of 2000.  When Congressman Woody Harding discovered these hidden provisions, he famously declared, “Today it’s Beccates, tomorrow it will be Viagra.”  The final vote was split solidly along gender lines, and no attempt at beccate regulation has been made since.

 

Treatment                                                               

To date, the beccate molecule has proven stubbornly resistant to any treatment that would mitigate its effects.  The chief obstacle to clinical beccate trials is the extreme addictiveness of the substance: technicians invariable become addicted themselves, as recently happened in Georgia[2].

Research has focused on beccanol and beccahol, due to the deleterious effects of the two forms on both the individual and society at large.  For beccanol addicts, the use of HandzOff[2] has reportedly led to some relief, but the huge amounts necessary have led to concerns over collateral damage to the spleen.  For beccaholics, the best treatment seems to be a cold drink thrown in the face, followed by a push into the swimming pool, if one happens to be available.  A swift kick to the testicles has also proven effective.

 

References                                                               

1. My Favorite What?!

2. WTF Friday #3

 


Comments

Beccapedia — 146 Comments

  1. Bravo Mr. Worthington!

    Testimonial: I have been under the influence of beccates for over 9½ months now. As this is close to the normal human gestation period, I theorize that my bouts of ill health lately may be due to the imminence of my spawning a new beccoid. I don’t know if this lifeform will manifest corporeally. I rather suspect it will instead involve the transcending to a higher plane of spiritual existence and hopefully a creative maelstrom manifested in the form of writing from me.

    • Thank you, Mr. Writes. So let me get this straight: Becca impregnated you? I fear for you pal: no amount of breathing lessons or crushed ice are going to help you with that delivery. Take some more beccanol and hope for the best.

    • Your disbelief is a good thing, because I’ve heard it said that in order to score pure beccanol, one must cross hundreds of miles of burning desert (I mean this literally: it’s on fire), evade patrols of specially trained mutant Texas Rangers, fight your way through packs of yapping, hyperactive dogs, and then survive the Beccaneer initiation ceremony (you don’t want to know what that involves). Of course, once you’ve had pure beccanol, you’re a ruined man, but that doesn’t stop anyone; imagine a combination of the California gold rush, ecstacy, and online porn. Now multiply that by 24. Now raise that to the 12th power. That’s pure beccanol.

    • Hear that, Becca? I’m “professional”. Now where’s my money? There are certain trades I might consider, but that would require intense negotiation.

      As for “prevert”, you’ve got to use the right reference: the Urban Dictionary. Also, the word “prevert” is used in the classic Stanley Kubrik film Dr. Strangelove. At one point, Colonel Guano says, “I think you’re some kind of deviated prevert. I think general Ripper found out about your prevertion, and you were organizing some kind of mutiny of preverts.”

      Buddy, there just ain’t no way it could get worse than a prevert mutiny.

  2. Becca, you have an awesome sense of humor & absurdity rolled into one. When I saw the title of post, it hooked me instantly–and you did not disappoint~ Now if I can figure out how to follow across blogging platforms, we are good to go! :).

  3. Really good work.
    The Enchanted Doctor though first described a similar drug. So, when I saw this, I had no problem figuring it out right at the outset.
    Say, a patient reported signs of tachyphylaxis as he didn’t get quite a “high” from it, having been on previous drugs of addiction.
    Maybe, we get into the lab and prepare a hybrid. Can you take up this challenge? Goodluck. Personally looking forward to the result -something to knock off the mind out of any brain, and the brain out of any skull!

  4. I hadn’t seen this page yet and it has got me in stitches! Thank you.

    Thank you also for “liking” my pictures on elettra.me. I am very green and genuinely appreciate all the support I am given. Support from seemingly like-minded souls being especially close to my heart. I have the sense that you are very much a kindred soul and both your blog and your “likes” on my modest endeavor make my day.

    I have of course singed up to your subscriber list!

    Thank you again for sharing and for your vibrant energy. Most refreshing!

  5. I find myself spending more and more time reading your deliciously kooky blog! I am also genuinely touched that you are taking the time to look at and “like” the pictures on my recently launched blog. I imagine the “likes” would take up entire pages of your blog if you were to activate the “like” button…

  6. This is the second website I have encountered today where I can set the computer on scroll, take a nap, brush my teeth, eat lunch (in that order) and then return to my computer which is finally reaching the bottom of the comments section. Both were wickedly good!

  7. Thanks for adding a laugh or two to my otherwise mundane life. The comment section is worth reading on its own but Texas style size which requires two or three days of sailing to get to the opposite shore. Keep on keeping on!

  8. Your one interplanetary babe. Your thoughts are of sheer insanity and creativity turns my funny bone..Man, i may pop sumthin..ahh thx Becca, so spent I am. I’ll come back and wash your car? . It’s like cheating when I try to read someone else after you…..

    • Thank you! Of course, this is only the information that is publicly available concerning beccates. The full story is classified until 2034, one year after the Jujubee calendar predicts the end of the world.

    • Thank you. I didn’t do too bad for a guy who isn’t a Texan, I guess. My inspiration, however, is Texan, so that probably explains the size of the laughs.

  9. I do like your blog, but why don’t you write more of posts, which I anxiously await. My sincere thanks to you again for your regular ‘likes’ on my blog. Thanks again, Rebecca.

  10. Thank you; the existence of beccates explains much that has been distracting my attention. This will propose a small expansion of what is known (needing experimental verification, of course) by pointing to a possible if not likely quantum effect. Since it’s known that beccates are located (confined?) only somewhere in Texas, the obvious simultaneous, identical effects sustained by those subjected to them via the internet cannot be explained by electrons as they are known to be unaccompanied particles. It is obviously (at least, as a hypothesis) a quantum entanglement, Einstein’s “spooky action at a distance.” When you get down to it, what else could it be?

  11. Fun, makes me wish someone would compound-zoni my name, or maybe not-zoni. There appears to be a different feel to morpho-zoni and metha-zoni. what am I doing wrong -zoni? Becca.;) Thank you for your like-zoni.

  12. Lol!
    Hey you… Becca (not Becs) it is then. :-)
    Finally got here honey…very impressive, I like your style.

    The Beccanet
    A network of Bloggers who follow ‘The Becca’ and her verbal ejaculations.
    Members must be part of (but not exclusively) the network of WordPress, Blogger and Bloggers.
    They must have a sense of humour and have the ability to laugh at life with The Becca and themselves.
    Present location: The Beccanet corner of the Blogsphere
    Possible destination: Unknown
    Size: Large and currently experiencing a Beccaplosion of growth.

    ;-)

  13. Becca- I love you- I love the way you write- one question- how do I “like” you. Have found the icon on only one entry (felt strange typing that).I cannot believe the way you interpret things.

  14. Becca-lations on the expansion of Beccapedia. Being desirous of an even more expansive Becca-ictionary I suggest the following.
    Becca-oga the practice of flexibility and self-awareness resulting in Zen-like thoughts directed in any manner that pleases. Who knows where this could lead? Ohmmmmmm!
    Becca-ddict the people who love it but don’t want anyone else to know. Might as well have a name for all those affected by the -done, -hol and -ates.
    Hey, thanks for your likes of my mundane posts…all the best to you.

Oh you know you want to give verbal ejaculation a try. Spit it out!