My fat season lasts from the first day that it is remotely chilly (65ºF or lower) until the first day where it warms up here in Texas. What? I used the word “fat”? Yep I did. I own it…I dare you to give me a hard time about it. I embrace my fat season, and I hope you all do too.
The first day of the season, I make some sort of homemade soup. (When I say homemade, I mean boiling chicken bones until you get chicken stock, etc.) You can’t have homemade soup without homemade bread. Then what is chicken soup and bread without a nice warm fresh cobbler? See where I am going here? (Did I mention I’m an amazing cook…makes ya wanna slap your mamma good)
As soon as this happens, the Halloween decorations slowly begin to appear. That means the glass pumpkins have be filled with candy bars, candy corn (which if you don’t eat by color you’re a freak), and m&ms. A few of these find their way into my mouth somehow. I am not sure how. I suspect Prince Harry or Obama use their invisibility cloaks to put them in. I certainly don’t sit on my a$$ while writing, eating all the crap I can find to stuff in my face, and drinking copious amounts of vodka. Until then I am going to embrace my Season of Fat.
But really I don’t have a choice. I am supposed to be making my children’s childhoods memorable. I’ll make special treats, and then I will stop eating like this after Halloween….oh wait Thanksgiving. Well I HAVE to eat bad then. It would be impolite to my family and friends to go on a diet in November. I guess I could at the beginning of November. Wait…no my sister needs me to eat cake on her birthday. Yep, I can’t do it until after Thanksgiving. Until then I am going to embrace my Season of Fat.
Once Thanksgiving is over, I am in the clear. Let me tell you, it will be a relief to not sit down and feel the fat start to roll. If I get it under control now, it won’t be an issue. What did you say? Oh Christmas that’s right! I have cookies to bake. Caramel corn to make. I need to go to all the parties I’m invited to, and as I am all about manners, I should eat a little of everything served. I will start my diet on New Years. Well, the day after. It will be a relief when I don’t have to wonder if the button of my jeans will close or not. Until then I am going to embrace my Season of Fat.
Around January 5th, I will face the truth: I won’t be dieting until after Valentine’s Day. Every day, I’ll stuff my sausage thighs into my pants. I love my cold weather clothes because they are such dark jewel toned colors, plus they hide my jelly rolls. With each step I’ll feel my junk in the trunk jiggle. Until then I am going to embrace my Season of Fat.
Then the first day of warm weather happens, and I despise the sun. Truly a horror story that almost every woman in America goes through.
Lady or Not…Here I Come!