Bro Seeks Bro: Thanksgiving “Date”

If you’ve been a long-time reader of Lady or Not, Here I Come, you may be familiar with my previous posts in this series, Bro Seeks Bro (Parts I & II). Well, yours truly now finds himself home alone for Thanksgiving. It’s a perfect storm of circumstances: divorce, living across the country from my family back in Georgia, the few friends I have all being out of town for the holiday… yeah.

Becca being Becca, she wanted to cheer me up on this depressing day. So she suggested I write her post for today. I’m sure she meant it to be a privilege to post on the one day when her American audience is least likely to read. She either thinks I have strong international appeal, or I’m like the last kid picked for kickball.

So what’s a lonely, single guy to do? I think Thanksgiving could be my perfect opportunity to find a new bro friend. There are a couple of options here…

Option A: Married guys I could lure away. I know we all love to spend so much time with family, especially if they’re the in-laws. This option will require you to feign illness– to call in sick to the family celebration. Then you can come over here and have a way better time hanging out with me.

I know you don’t really like turkey that much anyway. No way am I going to cook, but I’ve already done some recon and know the drive-thrus that will be open, as long you’re buying. I won’t even upsize my drink. Speaking of drinks, being a bachelor living alone, you know my booze cabinet is fully stocked.

I also have an HDTV which isn’t ginormous but hey, my living room is small, soRedneck flatscreen tv 300x225 Bro Seeks Bro: Thanksgiving Date as close as you have to sit, you’ll feel like it’s a movie theater screen. We can watch football all frickin’ day. (I think there is some conspiracy because both teams from Texas are playing on T-Day, which would be giving Becca the chance to be doing more “research” while she downs vodka shots). I won’t hassle you, I won’t make you cook or clean up anything, and really, we don’t need to talk at all.

kids table 300x169 Bro Seeks Bro: Thanksgiving DateOption B: Plan B is, you’re also a single guy, but you’re conscripted to attend your own family function. So invite me along. This way, I get to eat (I do enjoy all the traditional T-Day dishes, I must admit) and you get the company of yours truly rather than your weird uncle and your bratty nieces. We all know how much you hate that they put you at the kids table every year because you’re not in a couple. If I come, this isn’t a problem. They would never make a guest sit by themselves or at the kids table. For added kicks, I can pretend to be your date. The humor potential of this will be in direct proportion to your family’s overall homophobia. I’ll even hold your hand if you like.

Since it would be rude to leave your guest (me) alone, you will have to excuse yourself from the general chitchat and, moreover, the horror of cleanup detail, so that you and I… can go watch football. We’ll be sure to secure the loveseat– not to be weird, but just to be sure no one else will be sitting with us. Soon enough will be passing out, sinking into our triptophan-induced coma…

We feel the glee of all the womenfolk cleaning up around us while we lounge there. After several hours you become mildly hungry again and call to the nearest female, “Hey, make me a sammich!” and to your wondering eyes, she does! And it is delicious! And you grin, but suddenly…

You hear a loud voice, and see that the clock reads 4:34 a.m. You push on my shoulder to wake me up and, after I try to distract you from the drool spot I left on your shoulder, we see female members of your family standing over us with obvious looks of disapproval. You swear this was the same person who demurely, even joyfully, just served you a scrumptious turkey-breast-and-cranberry-sauce sandwich. Did you just dream that? And why does your cheek hurt?

“Get up and go with us!” we both hear. We both continue to blink uncomprehendingly as we catch some background chatter about Black Friday sales. When we say in unison that there is no effing way we are putting on pants at such a godforsaken hour, they reply, “Fine.” But before a smug smile can form on either of our lips, you see fingers pointing in the direction of the kitchen. Oh damn. They left all of it for us to clean up.

Sorry dude. It was a good plan. I’ll do better coordinating Christmas parties, I swear. Can we still be bros?


Comments

Bro Seeks Bro: Thanksgiving “Date” — 166 Comments

    • You can absolutely be my bro. I’ll even let you teach me some Romanian and… er I’m not sure what I can offer you in return. Becca will tell you I offer my English grammar lessons for free… too freely.

        • Well I guarantee your English is far better than my Romanian. We should teach one another one new word a day. So, to begin, pick one word from my posts that you need a dictionary for :D

          • So my English is good compared to your non-existing Romanian:))) This is not very comforting, you know:)) You can start by explaining me what fidgety and antsy mean and I will tell you their Romanian equivalents. Deal?

            • Fidgety is an adjective describing someone who is constantly fidgeting: tapping feet (or pens, pencils), twirling hair, twiddling thumbs, etc. Antsy is similar; it means you’re feeling anxious, to the point that you’re nervously fidgeting. It comes from the idea of having “ants in your pants,” which is just an idiom, but if literally true would be making you act in exactly that way. :)

              • I kind of guessed antsy, I thought of ants when I saw the word, so my mind drew the conclusion it might mean something like constantly moving as if you have ants all over your body:)))) Here are the Romanian equivalents for fidgety and antsy: agitat (agitated), care nu poate sta locului (that can’t sit still), nervos (take a wild guess on this one:) ), nelini?tit (anxious), neastâmp?rat (naughty, playful). Please note I have used the Romanian keyboard to write them down, as we have few extra letters in our alphabet: ?,â,î,?,?.

  1. Love the flat screen TV! Dude, I’d hang with you, but I’m visiting my uncle in Sonmiani (which is, of course, why I’m not at home in Karachi).

    Black Friday . . . ugh. Good day to lock the doors and load the guns.

  2. That is such BS! I want role reversal–the guys do all the clean-up, fix me a damn sammich, and all the gals sit on their asses watching chick flicks all day!! If you’re game for this scenario, you are quite welcome to come indulge in some high caloric intake at my pad. Be sure and wear your big pants! ;)

        • LOL When we first became friends I am pretty sure I would hear him doing dishes. I don’t know for sure though, maybe he was faking. Men like to do that. He does like to impress all his chick friends. He is coming to stay with my family in December for a week. We will see if he picks up a dish when he comes. I will fill you in. I bet he will when he sees my husband doing it so they can go off and watch sports.

          • Yeah, but is it doing dishes in the sense that, he ate, so he did the dishes, or in the sense that, shit, I don’t have even one clean dish in my house so I guess I will have to do the dishes!! lol Maybe he will be utterly charming and the perfect house guest, always offering to help with everything. Be sure and let me know! lol

            • LOL I don’t know. My guess is a little of both and the child labor wasn’t cooperating. I am sure he will be a great guest. He is a great guy. Or he could be the sort that makes all sorts of messes but I am pretty good with my whip.

              • Well, if you find he is really good at cleaning up, and doing general “man stuff” like lifting heavy shit, etc, I might be willing to have him to my place for a couple of days. It’s really hard to find good help these days! Did I say help?? I meant friends—it’s really hard to find good friends!! ;)

  3. I never get sleepy because I don’t eat Turkey, but sometimes I get drunk by accident. I help with cleanup, and I’m usually too full to have pie until the next day, Black Friday, which I’ve never participated in. Why am I telling you this? I have no idea, you’re just so easy to talk to ;) Great post, as usual, love your wit. Have a great Thanksgiving Becca!

  4. A good read . . . but why is everyone dissin’ spending time alone? “Depressing”?

    I do not be think so!!

    We spend most of our time within earshot of others; hearing their muffled mumblings, trying to fart quietly, and all the while knowing fully 37.7 percent of those around you are doing the same. You breathe all that stuff in!!

    You, you have the freedom to BE . . . you can fart loudly, and even try to (carefully) call up . . . er . . . call down, seconds! Burping? Well, that’s a given, but now you can give birth to them with out the obligatory, and unfelt, “excuse me”.

    True, something is lost when no one is around to appreciate the true magnificence you have summoned from the depths of your gut! Worst yet, if you manage to actually expel a bit of greenish gas adorning the spectral sound, there will be no witness to back you up when you brag about it.

    But beyond that, it gives you time to introspect about the way society has molded you into a cog that , albeit loosely, fits into a prescribed mold.

    How upwardly fornicated is that?!?

    Did you plan to have obligations, be tied down by leases or mortgages, to restrict yourself to experiencing but a small portion of a vast and interesting world? Well, didja?

    I’m betting not. This day? This day, this moment, the circumstance of you being alone . . . it is a gift!! And you are squandering it by pathetically trying to connect to others!!!

    I say onto you . . . behold!! It is a treasure! Do not waste it foolishly wishing for companionship, the love of another, or feeling bad for not adhering to society’s twisted plans for your existence.

    Plan. Plan your escape! India, China, Australia . . . even old, decrepit Europe, they all wait for discovery, for you to put boots to ground. They are each eager to show your eyes the wonders others take for granted.

    Sure, for now you must keep working, paying for the foolish decisions that litter your past.

    BUT . . . this day, this moment . . . be thankful for it; for your mind is clear, your vision is pure, and though your pockets may be nearly empty of actual assets, your life is full of possibilities, promises, and the freedom to do anything you want.

    Even if all you want is to hang with another guy.

  5. Love this. Kind of how I feel today. I’m a chick, but could totally hang at bro status! You two are amazing and make me laugh most days. Happy shitty, lonely turkey day. And thank you :)

  6. Well Jason, had I known, you could have come to MY place and got drunk with me. I’m not saying you could take advantage of me but hey…You never know. :) Oh…I could fix you a WONDERFUL Turkey sandwich and watch some football. Next time, let me know.
    Muah!!!
    Sooz

  7. quote:verbal ejaculation unquote .ha! so you abuse sexual language, Becca Becca Becca : tsk tsk. ,-) No, to Jason this: “Speaking of drinks, being a bachelor living alone, you know my booze cabinet is fully stocked.” yes, man, i’m in the boat. Pardon me, if I stopped reading on from here., ,) cheerios and happy(? ,-) ) thanksgivings. Maybe this can cheer you up : http://youtu.be/pnnJ1-8JVJc you must wait for 10 secs till the blues breaks out. but . but in the mean time, why not serve me a triple rum? I mean I wouldn’t say no ,-)

        • (God. i am watching German politics on tv. i do need a booze cabinet urgently. More, more! rofl. i mean it. what the … i won’t say it. Because I , Becca, do not! what you denied to have done. ;-) greetings to Jason too. (I am still interested in the booze cabinet. xmas present to myself, you know). but , sighhhhh it’s gonna be books again. yay! ha!

            • you always want me to wait but i am waiting all the time already anyway. And you know what happened? I lost a whole well-thought-thru (ha!= reply to your what-was-it-again?, just kiddin, ma un momemto per favore: see, i had packed into my other inaneous (thats a word?) reply to YOU Becca, Clint Eastest of the Woodies (when he was still crispy (for the ladies, not for me, gosh!) and a lot of of word play with “come”-ings. Like, I take them (the bottles of booze) as they come, and also… no, I forgot the rest. For the better? Poor Turkeys, i cry for them.

            • oh, Becca, you denied to have abused sexual language. (I of course don’t believe you for a second, but for the sake of xmas to cum (it really haunts me) I will lie to you believing you. ;-) cheers sergio

                • Heathcliff anyone? We are in that sentimental season, no? ;-) and why? i could of course say now, cuz it took you so long but no, i am en train d’ecrire, writing a effin sad poem and i can’t cry and laugh at the same time.Unless of course, you’d show me how. ;-) oh cheers from your transpondian

                    • working on it. There must be a way. But you know, without the booze, Jason’s booze
                      (haha, he said he had, cabinet etc) you hide from me, i can hardly be expected to give that a serious try. Seriously attempting to laugh: I must ponder in this.

  8. Oh my…your poor man. I’ve seen kids have imaginary friends but… we have definitely gotta get you some contact!!
    Magnificent imagination and excellent humor (I’ll pretend that you’re only joking ;-) ) I enjoyed this thoroughly as I play with my friend Mr. Toshiba… he has connections all over the world! and is quite popular with the ladies. He is constantly showing me the limits that they can stretch, contort, or otherwise by-pass in ways I never thought imaginable but he proves me wrong all of the time! What a guy. He gets sick all the time though, it never fails he always seems to contract some virus I’ve never heard of so I tell him DUDE you gotta stop slummin’ dawg! and he tells me “yeah I know…but its Thanksgiving. One more?” so I say SURE why not!
    Just can’t beat friends that will make sacrifices for ya like that…I mean willing to contract a virus for me and all, just chokes me up! that’s all.

    I’m with ya on the lonely stuff! May you enjoy a little peace…or any piece you can get for that matter. Take care!

  9. Argh!!! Its stuff like this that makes me feel sorry for guys like you Jason then the next thing I know I’ve a dozen single guys in my house, plying them with mountains of food and copious amounts of alcohol. I also find myself on the phone with my hair standing on end trying to find a like number of females to show up “accidently” because with that much alcohol, it starts getting weird and be damned if I’m the only female around; bromance or no. I sympathize with ya too. Y’all need a little something-somthing to get back into the swing of things ;-) If you were wearing the skirt too… that might prove a few problems. Some of my friends don’t get the kilt thing but if you can look over that their shallow and emptyheaded [good for one thing and could clap a hand on it, welii you just might be in the berries :)

  10. Ah, gotta love it! Since my kids are grown and 3 states away, and I’m blessedly single again, I can relate all too well to the Bro. Wait, that’s not a good thing, is it? (*Re-examines life….*)

  11. Well, we should have taken you with us to sit with my newly divorced BIL. I would have loved to see the look on their faces when they thought he had left her for you. LOL And with us, you wouldn’t have had to worry about the dishes. We went out to eat. ;)

  12. This reminds me of my own brother! Also, the humor was so good that I think it is wise to take time off and have Jason write something from time to time. We would miss you tho!

  13. So Jason, did you meet any international bros from writing this post? Maybe they have Russian mail-order bros? But they probably wouldn’t like football, so I’m not sure what you’d do together. Still thinking…

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Oh you know you want to give verbal ejaculation a try. Spit it out!