Dear Girlfriends

Dear Girlfriends,

 Dear GirlfriendsWe are joined at the hip, even though yours are smaller than mine; I still adore ya. This means that although we will have our good times and our bad times, we will never light the fuses on each other’s tampons. That is what true friendship is about.

 Dear Girlfriends

Girlfriends like us are rare.  No one else has held hands with you while you peed because you were afraid you were pregnant. Of course, then later I pushed you into the toilet. Remember that time I put spinach in my teeth to be funny, because someone was trying to point out that you had it in your teeth?  It was even funnier when we told that Drama Queen (DQ) that we were really worried about her botched boob job.  We only told her because, bless her heart, we were concerned for her health.

227685 323784527739012 671907059 n Dear GirlfriendsThere is nothing like a real girlfriend that tells you that your ass does look big in the jeans before you buy them.  Later we laughed hysterically when DQ told us how expensive her outfit was– not cheap like ours. Of course, we told her she looked great!  We failed to mention she had her panties tucked into her skirt.  We now have the nickname “Dairy Queen” for her so she won’t know when we are talking about her.

 Dear GirlfriendsYou know that I love you like a pig loves bacon; I love you like a hemorrhoid, because you’re a part of me. I look forward to the day when we are old and our children have grown.  We will sit on the front porch drinking sweet tea and scratching our coochies.  If you fall out of your chair laughing, I will help you up. I might laugh at you first, but eventually I will… I promise.

 

x,

Becca

Lady or Not… Here I Come!


Comments

Dear Girlfriends — 77 Comments

    • LOL we can be quite the silly ones. I remember this one time my girlfriend and I went out. We returned and there was a giant opossum right in front of my door. It had big snarly fangs and I didn’t want to get out of the car. We started giggle fits because she wanted me to go in. I didn’t want to. She started fussing at me because he wasn’t budging. We were laughing so hard we were afraid we would wet ourselves. I called animal control with my cell and they just laughed at me. She popped out of the car with her umbrella started opening and closing it while yelling at me to run bitch run. I still laugh about that night.

  1. You… you wait ’til you’re old to scratch your cootchie? Some gals couldn’t wait ’til they came home from school to do that. ::drumroll:: And the concept of tampons with fuses is horrifying and intriguing.

  2. Best girlfriends are the best,,,I remember having to clean up a whole woman’s bathroom at a wedding because my bf,,,got sooo hammered with red wine that she puked all over the washroom, and it was a legion kind of place so we were responsible for the clean up. I wasn’t mad at all, cause that’s what we do.
    We also have BIG plans to have matching “pimped” out scooters,,,,I guess we could have some lemonade in the cup holders and scratch the ‘ol cooch with the other hand!

  3. Love your work Becca. However, I am ready and waiting with the lighter because frankly, we just aren’t that close. Any time you want to drink Long Island Iced Tea until you vomit, dance on the table, hide under the same table calling ex-boyfriends and then declare undying love – then I’m your girl and will put the lighter away.

  4. I broke down and cried over this one…it brought back memories of the night I stood watch
    outside the men’s room while my bestie avoided the line to the little girls room by dashing in to hover over the urinal. Unfortunately I got flustered and forgot the code word for “someone’s coming”. I miss the hell out of her.

  5. Ay, now that’s true friendship. I mean, you could go the extra mile and have her wait so you can get your camera and take a photo of how she has fallen from grace to the porch, but you can only ask for so much. Nice.

  6. I’ve always wondered what the Black Cat corporation does in the winter when fireworks aren’t in high demand. Now I know: they make tampons.

  7. I think that you have a wicked sense of humor! I know your friends understand it! I would never get away with it… they have the mistaken impression that I am sometimes not so nice!

  8. Does that mean I can be an honorary female…like I was in my early days as a Home Health Aide? :) My mother-in-law used to say…she’s gone, now…”I love you like my liver, but if I find you by the river I’ll surely throw you in!” Cindy Lauper all over again—you girl’s just having fun! Thanks for visiting my place!

  9. this post made me miss my girl friends…when they do fall, before I give them my hand…i laugh at them first and sometimes i even pretend that i don’t know them…haha! and we’d all burst out laughing…

Oh you know you want to give verbal ejaculation a try. Spit it out!