I needed to go shopping so I asked my crush to give me a ride. I was so nervous that when he asked me where I was I spurted out the first thing I saw, which came out like “I’m at the Super Lube”. I was so embarrassed I hung up the phone and called a cab. How do I make things right? ~ Not Too Slick
You have an incredible opportunity here that you shouldn’t pass up. Do this right and you will know for sure whether your crush likes you. Since you were in the middle of talking to him on the phone, asking him to pick you up, and then the phone suddenly cut off and he didn’t hear from you again, there’s a good chance he thinks you were kidnapped. To sell this, go to your house, break a window, and throw your furniture all over of the place to indicate a struggle. You will need to go into hiding for a while just in case he called the police. After a day, get a man to call him and say that if he ever wants to see you again, he must pay a ransom. Be sure not to go overboard with the ransom. If you ask for $1 million and he works at K-Mart, he’s going to realize that he can’t help you. As a general rule of thumb, the ransom should be 5 years’ salary of the person making the payment. If he agrees to pay the ransom, it’s true love. Ask him out after you are “set free.” As a bonus, you have some extra spending money! If he scoffs at the ransom, it was never meant to be. Forget about him and move on. Before you do, though, fire a gun once before hanging up so he has to live with the guilt of your “murder.”
My cleaning lady keeps insisting on coming at 10 am when I am sleeping. Plus my kids’ school wants me to go on drug free walks in the morning. Why the hell is everyone trying to mess with my sleep? ~ Lazy Texan
The school clearly doesn’t really care about being drug free. If you are going to go on walks in the morning, you’re going to have to load up on espresso, lattes, or whatever your caffeinated beverage of choice. Doing so repeatedly leads to chemical dependence few are able to break. So tell them they’re hypocrites and drug pushers and skip the walks. As for the cleaning lady, if you make her live-in help, you won’t have to let her in. The same goes for any maids with good burglary skills.
My best friend and I are madly in love with each other. I don’t think my wife would be okay with that. What should I do? ~ Conflicted Lover
A lot of people miss out on the joys of life simply because they’re afraid to ask questions. You don’t “think” your wife would be okay with that? Well, find out. The easiest way is to broach the subject casually. The next time you’re watching the threesome scene in Wild Things, just casually say “that’s so weird, because those two were like, really good friends. Wouldn’t it be weird to have a threesome with your best friend, you know, like if you and I had sex with (insert friend name here)?” Then wait for the response. If she slaps you or gags, it’s time to cut your losses. Instead of hooking up with your friend, just settle for texting her pictures of your penis like the rest of us. If she does anything other than get angry or act repulsed, you have a chance to convince her. When trying to persuade her, remember that subtlety is key and that the Jedi Mind Trick isn’t real (that misconception has led to many divorces).
When my husband chews his teeth hit together like a horse chomping. He chews with his mouth closed but I can still hear it. Do you have any advice on how to make his chewing more quiet? ~ Cringing at the Table
I believe the word you’re looking for is “quieter.”
Fine, quieter – whatever. Can you answer the damn question? ~ Cringing at the Table
Eliminate solid food from his diet and only feed him liquids. Tell him that because of your colectomy, you can no longer eat solid food, and it would pain you to see him enjoying food you can’t eat. If he is remotely sensitive, he will agree to share your new diet. The hardest part is convincing him you had a colectomy. If you have a friend who’s a surgeon, get fake prescriptions and post-op medical supplies. Be sure to act like you’re in constant pain, especially when you walk or sit. As a last resort, consider getting a colectomy. Surgeons on the black market will do it no questions asked, but few accept health insurance.
I have a crush on this guy. He is sorta shy and I am not. Should I ask him out? ~ Pushy Pam
No. You’ll just scare him. Shy guys are intimidated by aggressive girls; also by family-style restaurants, but that’s a different topic. Instead, do everything in your power to make him like you. Learn his interests and pretend to be interested in the same things. Laugh at his jokes, but make sure you don’t mistake brooding with deadpan humor. Stalk him and randomly show up at the same places. Pretend you like his friends, even if they’re annoying. If none of that works, show a lot of cleavage, “catch” him staring, and instead of getting upset, smile at him. If that doesn’t work, set him up with your friend Javier at the coffee shop instead.
I hate my job. I shouldn’t complain because I have a job but it sucks. I have to work sometimes 80 hour weeks and don’t know what I am doing half the time. The funny thing is that my boss loves me. She thinks I hung the moon. I want to quit but I haven’t found another job yet. Any advice on how to get a better job? ~ Job Seeker
You hate your job? Wow. I’m sorry, I just don’t have any advice for that. This is the first time I’ve heard of such a problem.
If you have any questions for Jeremy that you would like his advice on, please feel free to email them to Becca. Title the email “Dear Jeremy” and sent to Rebecca@ladyornot.com