This is cold, flu, and allergy season (Groan, Becca is actually talking about this crap). No one likes to deal with the ugly, snotty mess of people that comes with this time of year. Everyone acts as though their lack of health is new, and they could possibly be dying.
I have a friend that is currently in the throes of sinus issues. There is nothing more fun than hearing the snorting and heavy breathing that comes with a cold. At first, I thought he was coming on to me. I said, “Back off bucco, I am flattered but spoken for.” Then he told me that he couldn’t breathe, and to give him a break. We all know he was just using it as an excuse to heavy breathe into the phone.
He had called because he wanted to know how to use the Neti-pot. I am a huge proponent of the device. It is a genie bottle that you fill with saline to wash out the nasty Gremlins that have made so many boogers they are backlogged.
I told him I was concerned about him using it, and he laughed. I told him the reason I had not suggested it was… well I was afraid he would die.
Me: Well… You’re a bit clumsy.
Him: What does that have to do with the Neti-pot?
Me: (whispers) I’m afraid you’re going to drown.
Him: What the hell?!
Me: You can’t walk and chew gum. How the heck are you going to pour water into your sinus cavities without breathing in? I have a vision of you pouring the solution into your nose and dying because you take it into your lungs. Then I would feel responsible at your funeral. Everyone would be pointing at me and blaming me. They would think that I should have known better.
Me: Of course they would. Especially those listed in your will.
Him: Wait. Didn’t you tell me your hypothetical spawn have been using a Neti-pot since the age of three?
Me: Yes, but they are different than you. I tell them not to breathe through their nose and they don’t. You, on the other hand, like to make points and end up hurting yourself.
Him: That isn’t fair. I only do that with my ex-wife, and mom, and boss… oh, you might have a point.
Me: Tell you what, say your goodbyes. Make sure to list your never professed undying love, and where you stashed your family treasures. Then I will allow you to use the device.
Him: Okay, okay. My family treasures are hidden in my love for you. Now how the hell do I use this thing?
Me: You bend over and have a friend pour it into your bum.
Him: (Sigh) I am never going to get a straight answer am I?
Me: Umm… Hi, I am Becca. It is a pleasure to meet you.
Him: Okay, let me consult YouTube.
So let this be a lesson to you: I won’t help you unless I know that I get something when you die.
Lady or Not… Here I Come!