Fifty Shades of Grey—Lady or Not Editorial (Satire)

We all know that Fifty Shades of Grey is the breakout hit of the year (I murmur).  Many of my loyal readers are likely to have read this cringeworthy series (you blush). I was challenged, by Juliana Lee, to write a satirical editorial of the book (down there).  I decided to share my thoughts having not read the entire book or series.

First, for those who haven’t read it, a video from the author E.L. James giving you a peek into her book. (parody)

Honestly, the romance aspect of the book wasn’t bad.  Really, how could E.L. James go wrong using Twilight as her outline?  (unquestionably wrong, but that is not what we are here to talk about). In addition to the exceptional use of adjectives, James is a phenomenal wordsmith.  The romance takes you to places you have never been before.  There is something strangely alluring about being beaten up by a hot billionaire.  Especially when he uses a riding crop down there to make your body flush.

With quotes like, “My inner goddess is beside herself, hopping foot to foot. Anticipation hangs heavy over my head like a dark tropical storm cloud.  Butterflies flood my belly as well as a darker, carnal, captivating ache as I try to imagine what he will do to me,” I can only bow to her literary prowess. Maybe one day, I too can write such a creative book.  I was lucky enough to find this Fifty Shades of Grey Generator. With this website, I will strive to be the writer that I should be.  I am not sure I will ever be able to reach her level of writing brilliance.

Ana, a super-hot twentysomething virgin is totally believable.  The young woman has two men that are begging to date her as well as the smoldering dominant billionaire.  Her innocence is such that she refers to her girl parts as “naughty bits” and “down there,” even in self-dialogue. She has never kissed, nor has she played the taco tango.

Christian, a “hot,” I mean “freaking hot,” billionaire has a playroom that everyone desires. Every girl wants to be cuffed and beaten to a pulp by him.  Every man wants to be like him.  Every man should give helicopter balloons to the woman he hurts for his sexual pleasure.  He is a good guy. He gave Ana a lot of warnings; she chose not to listen.  Don’t judge him too harshly.

Over the course of this National Book Critics Award worthy publication, our poor heroine seems to be repeating some behaviors. I thought she might be having some health issues. In order to help sweet Ana Steele, I tried my best to diagnose her ailments. I am no doctor, but I feel I would be remiss if I didn’t help.

  • She blushes or flushes 125 times, poor woman.  This sounds like early menopause.  I can’t imagine going through the change that young.  I’ve heard hot flashes are a bitch.  Maybe she should rethink those sweatpants she wore 14 times.
  • She bites her lips 35 times. She might be turning into a vampire or wolf.  Only time will tell.  If that is the case, maybe she has to bite her own lip until the fangs are fully developed.
  • Her orgasms are , “delicious”, “all-consuming”, “turbulent”,”violent”, ”agonizing”,”body-shattering”, ”exhausting”, and “intense”…. agonizing and exhausting.  This could be an STD.
Next comes our lovely sadist, Christian Grey. He seems to have health issues himself.
  • He has a really long index finger.  So long in fact that she can’t help but refer to it seven times.  He just might have Foam Finger Syndrome. Maybe he went to a college football game in is youth and didn’t take it off. One day the thing just became part of his person.
  • He cocks his head to one side 17 times.   He could possibly have a crick in his neck.
  • 10 times his mouth presses into a “hard line”.  Now, this one was puzzling me for a while. Then it dawned on me that he was using glue sticks for chap stick. (I might use this idea for stocking stuffers for my kids at Christmas)
  • His eyes are “hooded” 7 times.  He has Hood Eye, which is closely related to the disease Ghetto Eye. I hope they find a new zip code soon. I would really hate for them to become a victim of gunfire.

There were instances where I think they may have passed illnesses back and forth.   They seemed to have some serious issues.

  • They murmur 199 times, mutter 49 times, and whisper 195 times.  This means a whopping 443 times they had trouble speaking.  They probably have Marble Mouth.  This is when someone walks around with a mouth full of marbles. They just need to stop putting them in their mouth.
  • They gasp 46 times.  Do they have Sleep Walking Apnea?  I would suggest the use of the CPAP machine.  The only draw back is dragging it around with you.  I think it’s worth it though; breathing is a good thing.
  • Breath hitches only happen 18 times.  Now, if they are already using the machine above, I suggest the Heimlich Maneuver.  Then, possibly, take classes on how to chew food properly.
  • They clamber 21 times.  I am still trying to understand this one.  Maybe they just need a chiropractor.
  • The smirking 34 times isn’t so much a problem.  It just shows that they really need to learn to full on belly laugh.  I suppose they haven’t learned what lol means.
  • Pursing lips 15 times means they were eating too many lemons.
  • Rolling their eyes 41 times could be caused by Googly Eye Disease.
They both also share some mental disorders. Tragic as it is, they really need to be admitted to a mental ward soon.
  • They exchange 124 grins and 124 frowns.  Unless they are auditioning for the comedy and tragedy masks, it sounds like Multiple Personality Disorder.
  • Ana talks to herself a lot! Her 24 references to Christian being hot doesn’t bother me. What worries me is her “inner goddess” personality, whom she refers to 58 times. Her dirty whore of a subconscious wouldn’t butt out 80 times.
In conclusion, this book is a literary gem.  Once you read this series you will be ruined for all other books.  I implore you buy as many copies as possible because one day it might be worth its weight in gold.  If you’re a good wife, mother, husband, father, or friend…you will buy it for all the people you love.  However, be alert to any of the symptoms described above; should they appear in you or your loved ones, seek medical attention immediately.
 Fifty Shades of Grey   Lady or Not Editorial (Satire)My Guest writer, Jasonwrites, and I had a challenge to each write a review of this book on the same day.  If you thought my review was funny, you should read his!  Click here
 Fifty Shades of Grey   Lady or Not Editorial (Satire)

Pure Gold!

 

Lady or Not…Here I Come  In memory of Helen Gurley Brown.



Comments

Fifty Shades of Grey—Lady or Not Editorial (Satire) — 238 Comments

  1. I have the read the series three time. I decided to re-read it because I read it so fast the first time that I felt like I might have missed some details and of course I DID!!! I absolutely love your review of the book! But I do recommend reading the series! It is awesome!

  2. Wow, I heard the book was good, but I didn’t know it was THIS good. I’m going to order 2 copies. One is to read. For the other I’m getting a hardback copy so I can use it to spank my casual sex partner until her inner goddess gets to hopping. Thanks so much!

  3. Awesome! The book has been sitting on my shelf for a while now. It’s time to read it now after reading this. Well done!!

  4. Loved it! How is it reading the same words over and over again every three pages makes me keep reading this jewel? Loved the parody video, classic. Thanks for the comment on my blog!

  5. What a hilarious review. (gasp). I was not at all offended (rolling eyes). But I would like to clamber into my sweat pants now, and I hope my husband’s mouth does not go into a hard line. I also hope he will not smirk at me or my inner goddess will be sad. Laters baby.

  6. Funny stuff :D I wish people would forward this kind of stuff to her publisher to embarrass them for doing such a shitty job editing the repetitiveness and seriously, how can anyone refer to it as porn when no one ever says penis, cock, vagina or pussy? Seriously…

  7. glad i checked your blog out..hilarious! i thought many a time to write an actual review for this crap book, but didn’t feel right considering i didn’t even finish the first book in it’s entirety. everything you made fun of was right on point, especially the inner goddess nonsense. how do people fall for this book, really, how?! her poor writing is motivating in a sense, though. if she can make it on ny times best sellers who can’t?? best of luck, i’ll be following!

  8. I’m impressed by your diagnosis. I think you could have a career working with Dr. Flynn. Fabulous or as Ana would say “Double crap, this was great. And now I’m going to salsa with my inner goddess.”

  9. I’ve heard enough about this book to know it is NOT for me. But I couldn’t resist clicking on your satirical review. This book sounds utterly ridiculous, and I’ll try not be bitter that this makes the NY Times best seller list and I couldn’t find an agent for my first novel (okay, I didn’t try that hard, but still :))

    The glue sticks as chap stick was great…the suggestion to get them as stocking-stuffers for the kids was brilliant.

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  11. Very nice editorial. My subconscious and inner goddess give it two thumbs up. You were smart not to read the whole thing. I’m still recapping book two and I just really should have read this editorial. I’d be much saner. Maybe.

  12. Loved this! Haha I’d heard the book was so awesome, so I bought it. I read about half of it and quit… haven’t touched it since. It is, by far, the dumbest book I’ve ever read. The storyline isn’t even believable. Great way to sum it up! :)

      • “The foam finger syndrome…” Love it! :D LOL! You are very clever and I remember now how I called my daughter “Becca” when she was little but it (the nickname) slipped away – we moved south where others (classmates & teachers) called her “Becky,” (it still hurts, like a toothache where you already had the tooth pulled). She is Rebecca now, I love that. Anyway, I also wanted to say thank you! for liking my poem “Authentic, Like Me.” It’s taken me too long to get back to you. Oh god, I keep reading your reply above re: foam finger syndrome! Help! I gotta Skype my girl (she’s in Japan) and tell her about this! Love your blog!

  13. I’m going to be honest here, I really enjoyed the Fifty Shades series. Just finished the third one today. But I cannot tell you how many times I skipped over several paragraphs because I was sick of reading about the lip biting, long fingers, bare feet, and orgasmic descriptions. I mean, come on! There were so many things that E.L. James overused. I liked the storyline (though I thought the third book was too predictable), but the writing was rough.

  14. Bahahahaha! Thank you for making me feel better about reading The Golden Compass, Canning and Preserving for Dummies, and damn near anything else before the other two books in the series. :)

  15. Had tears coming out of my eyes while reading this! I read the first book because I had to see what all the hype was about. I was extremely disappointed and wanted to send her the gift of a thesaurus. If women want to read erotica written by a woman, they should check out Anne Rice’s “Beauty” series!

  16. Lol! You are hilarious! I bought the book because of all the hype, and I was disappointed as well, that it did not live up to its expectations! Fifty Shades of Grey, must have a hell of a Marketing Team, to get so much hype about this book!

  17. Haha this is so funny…ok I confess I just finished reading the second book cause I though it must have huge twists in order for it to be really awesome and live up to it’s hype. I love this …you can always multiply the amount of blushes, lip biting and so on times three to sum up the entire trilogy. lol this really made me laugh

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  19. This book is…I refuse to read it. :P I’ve considered it multiple times, but keep telling myself no. I’m rather familiar with the lifestyle the writer is trying to portray, and it’s brutally honest from all the reviews that she is very wrong with how she’s making it out to be. I’m so very glad there are other people in the world that can (hilariously!!) call this series out as the crap it really is! :P
    You are a very funny lady, thanks for liking my post, it’s led me over here and oh goodness I’ll definitely be back! :D

  20. On LinkedIn I’m in a discussion about the glut of e-published books and the standard of writing in them. 50 Shades of Gray has been the poster child to hold up as representative of poorly written sagas gone wild, lol. I’ll give them a link to your review (which, btw, is spot on!) :D

      • OMG, this was hilarious. I have heard so much from my writer (and also BDSM) friends about this book, I can’t bring myself to read it. I’m flabbergasted at it’s popularity. Your diagnosing their aliments almost had me falling off of my chair.

        I wrote a blog about the difference between my real life and the smut books I read, and a lot of this would have been perfect in there… lol

        I’m actually a voracious reader and romance/smut are some of my favorites, but the level of writing on the majority of the self-pubs is appalling. Even the BDSM sux, from what I hear from experts…

        Anyway, thanks for the like!! I’ll be checking you out regularly, we seem to both be smart-aleck-y and I love that.

        xo

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  22. This made me giggle. Excellent review! We clearly think the same of this marvellous piece of sh*t that is “Fifty Shades…” When it got to the point where he asked, “Don’t you have a gag reflex?” I nearly said, “Oh come ON!” out loud. I mean, Jeez, like any other virgin she seems to be able to take his bottle-sized dong in her mouth and take it from there without any guidance. I got to about page 200 when I’d had more than enough. My brain had gone to sleep long ago and the promise of “hot sex” was about as sizzling as banging Barbie and Ken together. I wanna know who does the marketing for this bollocks, because whoever it is, I want to hire them.

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  24. Girl, you had me at…”riding crop down there to make your body flush”. Haven’t read the books. But your review made me laugh so hard, my boss came out of his office and asked me if I’m ok. I could only nod, too flushed (without a riding crop, mind you) from laughing too much. Have you considered a career in medicine? You seem to know your way around all those diseases Ana and the King of Spanking suffer from.
    Thanks for the laugh, it’s the best I had today.

  25. Hi Becca! I have so much for which to thank you! Thank you so much for stopping by at Creative Spark Studio. My email-inbox-thingie tells me my blog has had 3 ‘likes’ and a follower already even though I just started the blog and have only written two posts (technically, I’ve only actually written one). Even though my little email-inbox-thingie often goes above and beyond the call of duty – you can’t imagine how busy it is dealing with the execution of the estates of so many of my distant, recently-deceased relatives or the pleas of other hitherto-unknown relatives who need life-saving operations – I think it has truly excelled itself this time as I have absolutely no idea how you could have found me in the blogosphere? Do you think I should now get me some ‘people’ because it seems that I am following in your glamourous footsteps toward a ‘Blog of the Universe Award of my own? ;)

    Your review is hilarious. Thank you for the smiles and for reading (or not) these works of literary genius so that I don’t have to. Like so many literaturary dilettantes before me, I can feel confident in my grasp of the works because I’ve read ‘the summary’. I cannot thank you enough for the hours (or minutes) of my life that you have spared me reading these books.

    Your literary synopsis demonstrates your reading and editing genius. Publishers, take a number. I hope you have a great agent, Becca. :)

    Also, your astute medical observations and innate gorgeousness are worthy of your very own TV program. I think House better watch his back. :)

    • Awww thanks so much. No editor here. I just write for the fun of writing. I would LOVE to find someone that wants to publish me but I am guessing that is a pretty big longshot. BBEU award is difficult to win, but I have faith you can go for it next year ;) I love your response here ((hugs)).

      x,
      Becca

  26. Very funny – this editorial was superb! I very much enjoyed the tallying up of the various conditions of the characters; it’s only when it’s spelled out in front of you sometimes that the penny truly drops, like it did for me here. Your comment on how Ana describes her orgasms particularly struck my funny bone. I admit that I was concerned that the ‘hard line’ bit came up multiple times in the novel, I begin to imagine Christian pursing his lips like a goldfish. I’m reading the entire series and am on the 2nd book. Why you may ask? Because like you I enjoy comedy/parody and I am parodying the 50 Shades of Grey series with a cake related parody 50 Shapes of Cakes (@50Cakes on Twitter).

    I love your site and am really enjoying the posts – can’t wait to read more!

    David

  27. In the spirit of Post Modernism, I’d like to see a paradigm shift in the “Fifty Shades” narrative; an altogether more inclusive and democratic approach. Multiple Choice naughty scenes. That’s right! You heard it here first ….
    “Is that you?” She 1) whistled 2) said in sign language 3) whispered
    Reaching down, she felt for his 1) wallet 2) belt 3) lovely bunch of coconuts.
    She bit 1) her lip 2) her tongue: Ow! F@£k 3) his neck.
    “Take me” 1) she gasped 2) to Akron, Ohio 3) shopping
    Whaddaya think? It’s gotta be the way forward..

  28. LOL! All I can say is WOW somebody read this book obsessively! right down to how many times the head cocked. Hmmm….Was it Sigmund Freud who suggested that homophobia might be caused by a repressed desire to be a homosexual? I’m just sayin’ perhaps this subject matter has created some repressed sexual tension in the person that did all this counting
    So much fun visiting here.
    Gotta read that book before some woman desides to go 50 shades of Grey on me! Can’t be to careful! The last thing I want is to blink my eyes, wind up naked in hand cuffs, with some strange woman whipping my jewels with a riding crop because she thinks that they should look “flush” ! Just sayin’ there are some crazy women out here these days and a lil’ knowledge might give me at least some warning.
    …And to all you 50 shades of crazy women that read this, just know
    I’M ON TO YOU!

    • Ha! Well either I read so much I was able to get a perfect count or I have a great word counter on my e-reader…which ever floats your boat. ;)

      As for whipping your kiwis, just remember that in this story the girl likes to take it.

  29. Pingback: Don’t Take It Too Seriously « A Tribute to Fifty Shades of Grey

  30. Funny review! Something unique! I myself have tried reading the entire series and wasted precious time on that. I would like to think of it as a personal challenge, which I completed with eyes bleeding from the words of those brilliant books. I even made a review, but it’s nothing compared to yours. :)

  31. Bless you for mocking this terrible series, which I feel does nothing more than confirm what P.T. Barnum said. “No one went broke underestimating public taste”. I can’t believe there are women out there who find the idea of abusive sex with an emotionally unavailable man, written so poorly by a woman who’s afraid to say the word “vagina”, erotic or tantalizing!

  32. Hey great and really funny review – I haven’t read the books and I don’t really want to, but given what I do I think I need to at least try… I am totally intrigued why women find it so captivating. I don’t think it can be only the juicy stuff, or the writing which seems to be really bad according to multiple sources… I think it’s the Grey-Ana relationship that turns them on… which is a bit worrying really. Either that or it’s the Twilight stardust? Btw I went to a bookshop the other day and there seems to be at least a dozen knock-offs of this series already, all covers are done in the same dark-bondage-mystery style. Amazing.

    • I read it as an experiment and I got a few funny posts out of it. That said, I couldn’t make it though the whole thing. Knock offs are not all that surprising to me. It seems typical today to try to copycat others. Since Fifty Shade of Grey was a Twilight copycat because she wanted more sex, I don’t feel bad for her.

  33. That’s an honest critcism of the book, really.

    Then, am I abnormal if I continue finding it a nice book to read? Or maybe I’m sick… Well, maybe I’m even dead sick, since I bought the two following books of the trilogy yesterday ;-)
    I know, there’s no cure… I’ll have to live with it, now… dammit it! :-)

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  36. Way to damn funny…although I haven’t read the entire book, one thing I have heard is that way to many women have this all confused with real life BDSM. First off its fiction, 2nd how many fing 27 year old billionaires do they think are floating around the planet. 3rd CG sounds more a sadist than a Dominate and Ana, well you hit that one right and a poorly conceived I wanna be a porn star name. Thanks for sharing Becca.

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  39. Stuff like the crazy ladies of the world going bonkers over this book series is why I’ve considered becoming a homosexual more than once. My wife rarely reads and she HAD to go to Walmart (which she hates) at 11pm to get the second book in the series immediately upon finishing book one! I don’t know what’s in it, but it must be good stuff because she put her book down in bed a couple of times to have her way with me! Once I even woke up.

  40. Okay, I have never read the book, but I think everyone knows the general idea. This? Made me laugh so hard, I had tears in my eyes. You are brilliant! Thank you for liking my blog posts, because now I have found your site. :)

  41. Still laughing! At your review AND the book. I only made it halfway through book 1. Wife made it through all 3. I’ve been noticing several symptoms the last few months. Is there any treatment for lip biting, smirking and eye rolling or are the terminal?
    Thanks!

  42. I seriously thought I was the only one who couldn’t finish this book! I tried, I really did but like you mentioned…. the repetitive adjectives… *sigh* I think a 9th grader is REALLY E L James. Good review. I laughed pretty hard. Oh and I love the Fifty Shades generator! lol

  43. I’ve been noticing your 50 Shades of Grey Editorial Satire up on the left side of your blog, ever since I first came here, but I didn’t get around to reading it until this morning. I watched the video first, which was pretty damn funny, but then I read your editorial, and while the video was good for some laughs, your satirical editorial was much funnier! :-D

    “50 Shades of Grey” – the unintentional comic gift that just keeps on giving! Lol :-D

  44. Rebecca … just too funny …I have wondered about the wild popularity of the book…I have never read the book, but after reading your review my heartfelt sympathies for poor Ana … you rock lady :)

  45. HYSTERICAL! Sadly, I read the whole trilogy. I just couldn’t put it down, simply because I wanted to see if he finally let her touch him on the chest, and if he ever got over the abuse from his crack whore mother and her pimp. Otherwise, everything else was sickeningly repetitive. It’s as if she wrote it for the Twilight generation, which, sadly, I also read. “Had to see what the hype was about.” I agree about the Anne Rice “Beauty” trilogy though. She is an accomplished author, and she nailed the genre on the head. Couldn’t get any hotter than Anne Rice’s point of view.

  46. I had to read your post and Jason’s too. I really think you did it Justice! It was deserving of the great writing of Becca making fun of it, the wonderful tallies made me laugh! Thanks for this laugh out loud review and I am surprised that there are still people who liked the books and are commenting! I would not admit that I read them…

  47. This past weekend, while under the influence of alcohol, I was handed a copy of this book and read selections from it aloud for a small crowd. I can’t remember everything, but I remember it being pretty ridiculous.

  48. HAHA! This was awesome, thanks for the laugh! I will admit that I read that books. They were fun to hate and complain about. Kinda like watching a bad movie, or passing by a car crash and being unable to avert your eyes.

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Oh you know you want to give verbal ejaculation a try. Spit it out!