We all know that Fifty Shades of Grey is the breakout hit of the year (I murmur). Many of my loyal readers are likely to have read this cringeworthy series (you blush). I was challenged, by Juliana Lee, to write a satirical editorial of the book (down there). I decided to share my thoughts having not read the entire book or series.
First, for those who haven’t read it, a video from the author E.L. James giving you a peek into her book. (parody)
Honestly, the romance aspect of the book wasn’t bad. Really, how could E.L. James go wrong using Twilight as her outline? (unquestionably wrong, but that is not what we are here to talk about). In addition to the exceptional use of adjectives, James is a phenomenal wordsmith. The romance takes you to places you have never been before. There is something strangely alluring about being beaten up by a hot billionaire. Especially when he uses a riding crop down there to make your body flush.
With quotes like, “My inner goddess is beside herself, hopping foot to foot. Anticipation hangs heavy over my head like a dark tropical storm cloud. Butterflies flood my belly as well as a darker, carnal, captivating ache as I try to imagine what he will do to me,” I can only bow to her literary prowess. Maybe one day, I too can write such a creative book. I was lucky enough to find this Fifty Shades of Grey Generator. With this website, I will strive to be the writer that I should be. I am not sure I will ever be able to reach her level of writing brilliance.
Ana, a super-hot twentysomething virgin is totally believable. The young woman has two men that are begging to date her as well as the smoldering dominant billionaire. Her innocence is such that she refers to her girl parts as “naughty bits” and “down there,” even in self-dialogue. She has never kissed, nor has she played the taco tango.
Christian, a “hot,” I mean “freaking hot,” billionaire has a playroom that everyone desires. Every girl wants to be cuffed and beaten to a pulp by him. Every man wants to be like him. Every man should give helicopter balloons to the woman he hurts for his sexual pleasure. He is a good guy. He gave Ana a lot of warnings; she chose not to listen. Don’t judge him too harshly.
Over the course of this National Book Critics Award worthy publication, our poor heroine seems to be repeating some behaviors. I thought she might be having some health issues. In order to help sweet Ana Steele, I tried my best to diagnose her ailments. I am no doctor, but I feel I would be remiss if I didn’t help.
- She blushes or flushes 125 times, poor woman. This sounds like early menopause. I can’t imagine going through the change that young. I’ve heard hot flashes are a bitch. Maybe she should rethink those sweatpants she wore 14 times.
- She bites her lips 35 times. She might be turning into a vampire or wolf. Only time will tell. If that is the case, maybe she has to bite her own lip until the fangs are fully developed.
- Her orgasms are , “delicious”, “all-consuming”, “turbulent”,”violent”, “agonizing”,”body-shattering”, “exhausting”, and “intense”…. agonizing and exhausting. This could be an STD.
- He has a really long index finger. So long in fact that she can’t help but refer to it seven times. He just might have Foam Finger Syndrome. Maybe he went to a college football game in is youth and didn’t take it off. One day the thing just became part of his person.
- He cocks his head to one side 17 times. He could possibly have a crick in his neck.
- 10 times his mouth presses into a “hard line”. Now, this one was puzzling me for a while. Then it dawned on me that he was using glue sticks for chap stick. (I might use this idea for stocking stuffers for my kids at Christmas)
- His eyes are “hooded” 7 times. He has Hood Eye, which is closely related to the disease Ghetto Eye. I hope they find a new zip code soon. I would really hate for them to become a victim of gunfire.
There were instances where I think they may have passed illnesses back and forth. They seemed to have some serious issues.
- They murmur 199 times, mutter 49 times, and whisper 195 times. This means a whopping 443 times they had trouble speaking. They probably have Marble Mouth. This is when someone walks around with a mouth full of marbles. They just need to stop putting them in their mouth.
- They gasp 46 times. Do they have
SleepWalking Apnea? I would suggest the use of the CPAP machine. The only draw back is dragging it around with you. I think it’s worth it though; breathing is a good thing.
- Breath hitches only happen 18 times. Now, if they are already using the machine above, I suggest the Heimlich Maneuver. Then, possibly, take classes on how to chew food properly.
- They clamber 21 times. I am still trying to understand this one. Maybe they just need a chiropractor.
- The smirking 34 times isn’t so much a problem. It just shows that they really need to learn to full on belly laugh. I suppose they haven’t learned what lol means.
- Pursing lips 15 times means they were eating too many lemons.
- Rolling their eyes 41 times could be caused by Googly Eye Disease.
- They exchange 124 grins and 124 frowns. Unless they are auditioning for the comedy and tragedy masks, it sounds like Multiple Personality Disorder.
- Ana talks to herself a lot! Her 24 references to Christian being hot doesn’t bother me. What worries me is her “inner goddess” personality, whom she refers to 58 times. Her dirty whore of a subconscious wouldn’t butt out 80 times.
Lady or Not…Here I Come In memory of Helen Gurley Brown.