Christmas music always puts you in the mood for the season. But after hearing these same songs year after year, I started to pay attention to the lyrics. I think there’s some very subversive things going on in Christmas songs, even the most traditional carols. Always being one to expose a good conspiracy, here are my top ten most questionable Christmas song lyrics:

10. “Deck the Halls” & “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”:
This pair of songs feature the lines ”don we now our gay apparel” & “make the yuletide gay.” I don’t know who this Don is, but he can keep his gay apparel. “How typical of the gay community to hijack songs so closely tied to the birth of Jesus. Obviously these songs are tools of the gay agenda to make us all turn gay,” remarked Focus on the Family.

9. “We Wish You a Merry Christmas”: OK, no explicit gay agenda in this one, but there is that one line, “We won’t go until we get some.” Actually, I think I can go for that line of thinking… I’m never getting off the naughty list. Haha, I said getting off. OK, moving on…

8. “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”: We know there are thousands of bored suburban moms out there who made Fifty Shades of Grey a phenomenon, but I’ll bet there are plenty who fantasize of making Santa Fifty Shades Redder Than His Suit when they whisper the things they’d like to do to him in his jolly old ear. But the weird part here is not this kid being a kinky voyeur, or Mommy tickling Santa under his snowy white beard (we can only assume the carpet matches the curtains), but then this naughty kid adds:

This is what Santa thinks of you, when he’s not thinking of your Mom.

Oh, what a laugh it would have been,
If Daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night!
Oh yeah, maybe you would be laughing kid, but I don’t know if Daddy will be. Daddy might be a tad upset at Mommy getting it on with a 2000-year-old overgrown elf. Maybe if after stuffing Mommy’s stocking, he stuffs Daddy’s with $1,000,000… Now we have a mix of Bad Santa and Indecent Proposal. Weird. Moving on…

7. “Winter Wonderland”: Something about building a snowman, pretending he is Parson Brown who asks “Are you married?” and they reply, “No man, but you can do the job when you’re in town.” First of all, what was in these kids’ eggnog that they can pretend a snowman is a parson? And why would their hypothetical snowman parson asking if they’re married? Is this song endorsing premarital sex? Just say no, kids! Not to mention that “you can do the job when you’re in town” sounds like a mob hit to me. “Parson” indeed, nice cover there.

6. “Baby It’s Cold Outside”: The entire song is a man trying to persuade a woman to spend the night with him and features the line “Say what’s in this drink?” Draw your own conclusions.

5. “Frosty the Snowman”: While we’re on the subject of snowmen, this one willfully defied the direct order of a police officer. And the TV version gives a bad name to hardworking magicians everywhere. Becca should take his snowman arms away and sell them to the highest bidder.

4. “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”: A triumphant tale of celebrating diversity. Still, ever since I was five, I’ve been wondering what “reindeer games” are. Do they get medals? Another song best remembered for its TV special– which taught kids that it’s OK to be different. Even if you’re a Misfit Toy, someone will love you. Exactly what you would expect from some 1960s liberals. Damn hippies.

3. “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch”: Again, we’re supposed to appreciate that everyone is different and special in his or her own way. If those Who’s down in Whoville hadn’t bullied the green guy, a whole lot of trouble could have been avoided, and that poor dog could have relaxed on Christmas Eve.

2. “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas”: We do not tolerate racism on this blog!

1. “The Twelve Days of Christmas”: And we wonder why this holiday has become so commercialized. For centuries, this 42-minute long song has been telling people that in order to show “true love,” you must lavish gifts for not one day, but almost two weeks. Let’s add up this extravagance… $25,431.18! For that price, I’d rather have a new Swagger Wagon than all those birds and people leaping and dancing.
[Source: The Cost of The 12 Days of Christmas by PaydayLoan.co.uk]

Honorable mention: “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer”: What makes you think you can just get away with vehicular homicide  Rudolph? And with Grandma gone, who’s going to make that figgy pudding so that our annoying relatives WILL go home already?

~”Never let the facts get in the way of a good story” (Mark Twain)~
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