Gentleman or Not… Here I Stay #4: Crafty Christmas Carols

Christmas music always puts you in the mood for the season. But after hearing these same songs year after year, I started to pay attention to the lyrics. I think there’s some very subversive things going on in Christmas songs, even the most traditional carols. Always being one to expose a good conspiracy, here are my top ten most questionable Christmas song lyrics:

10. “Deck the Halls” & “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”:
This pair of gaychristmastrees 300x199 Gentleman or Not... Here I Stay #4: Crafty Christmas Carolssongs feature the lines “don we now our gay apparel” & “make the yuletide gay.” I don’t know who this Don is, but he can keep his gay apparel. “How typical of the gay community to hijack songs so closely tied to the birth of Jesus. Obviously these songs are tools of the gay agenda to make us all turn gay,” remarked Focus on the Family.

9. “We Wish You a Merry Christmas”: OK, no explicit gay agenda in this one, but there is that one line, “We won’t go until we get some.” Actually, I think I can go for that line of thinking… I’m never getting off the naughty list. Haha, I said getting off. OK, moving on…

8. “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”: We know there are thousands of bored suburban moms out there who made Fifty Shades of Grey a phenomenon, but I’ll bet there are plenty who fantasize of making Santa Fifty Shades Redder Than His Suit when they whisper the things they’d like to do to him in his jolly old ear. But the weird part here is not this kid being a kinky voyeur, or Mommy tickling Santa under his snowy white beard (we can only assume the carpet matches the curtains), but then this naughty kid adds:

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This is what Santa thinks of you, when he’s not thinking of your Mom.

Oh, what a laugh it would have been,
If Daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night!
Oh yeah, maybe you would be laughing kid, but I don’t know if Daddy will be. Daddy might be a tad upset at Mommy getting it on with a 2000-year-old overgrown elf. Maybe if after stuffing Mommy’s stocking, he stuffs Daddy’s with $1,000,000… Now we have a mix of Bad Santa and Indecent Proposal. Weird. Moving on…

7. “Winter Wonderland”: Something about building a snowman, pretending he is Parson Brown who asks “Are you married?” and they reply, “No man, but you can do the job when you’re in town.” First of all, what was in these kids’ eggnog that they can pretend a snowman is a parson? And why would their hypothetical snowman parson asking if they’re married? Is this song endorsing premarital sex? Just say no, kids! Not to mention that “you can do the job when you’re in town” sounds like a mob hit to me. “Parson” indeed, nice cover there.

6. “Baby It’s Cold Outside”: The entire song is a man trying to persuade a woman to spend the night with him and features the line “Say what’s in this drink?” Draw your own conclusions.

5. “Frosty the Snowman”: While we’re on the subject of snowmen, this one willfully defied the direct order of a police officer. And the TV version gives a bad name to hardworking magicians everywhere. Becca should take his snowman arms away and sell them to the highest bidder.

4. “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”: A triumphant tale of celebrating diversity. Still, ever since I was five, I’ve been wondering what “reindeer games” are. Do they get medals? Another song best remembered for its TV special– which taught kids that it’s OK to be different. Even if you’re a Misfit Toy, someone will love you. Exactly what you would expect from some 1960s liberals. Damn hippies.

3. “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch”: Again, we’re supposed to appreciate that everyone is different and special in his or her own way. If those Who’s down in Whoville hadn’t bullied the green guy, a whole lot of trouble could have been avoided, and that poor dog could have relaxed on Christmas Eve.

2. “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas”: We do not tolerate racism on this blog!

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1. “The Twelve Days of Christmas”: And we wonder why this holiday has become so commercialized. For centuries, this 42-minute long song has been telling people that in order to show “true love,” you must lavish gifts for not one day, but almost two weeks. Let’s add up this extravagance… $25,431.18! For that price, I’d rather have a new Swagger Wagon than all those birds and people leaping and dancing.
[Source: The Cost of The 12 Days of Christmas by]

Honorable mention: “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer”: What makes you think you can just get away with vehicular homicide  Rudolph? And with Grandma gone, who’s going to make that figgy pudding so that our annoying relatives WILL go home already?

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~”Never let the facts get in the way of a good story” (Mark Twain)~
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Gentleman or Not… Here I Stay #4: Crafty Christmas Carols — 73 Comments

  1. Snowmen give me the creeps, kinda like some people with clowns. There was something far more sinister going on in that “Winter Wonderland” with that poser preacher and Frosty was just a snow-covered “It”. Look at that 12 day poster!!! ~shudder~

    Your best yet Jason ;-)

  2. Two of my personal favorites include: ‘I’m dreaming of a tight mistress’ and ‘Chipmunks roasting on an open fire’. I am drawn to writing my own Christmas ditty this year, something for the whole family to sing, along the lines of Winter Plunderland or a new interpretation of Peckerball’s Canon.

  3. You ever notice that line in Granda Got Run Over By A Reindeer about “She’d been drinking too much eggnog, and we begged her not to go”? Way to blame the victim, you miserable ungrateful grandson! I hope Grandpa cuts you out on the inheritance!

  4. I have to admit an affinity for the movie “White Christmas”. It’s one of my all-time favorites and I could watch it over and over again. I am a sucker for most musicals though.

    Jason, quite and wry and altogether comical, like a fine glass of boxed wine, you surprise every time! ;)

    • I saw a small/intimate theater production of “White Christmas” this time last year and it was quite enjoyable. Like many movies, it’s one I’ve seen large parts of at different times but never sat all the way through from beginning to end. It took me until 2-3 years ago to sit and watch all of “A Christmas Story.” I blame the ADD.

      I’ll accept being compared to boxed wine so long as it’s being served with aged cheese. Tillamook Extra Sharp Cheddar please. And crackers not made by Nabisco.

      • Jason is getting all uppity and saying he’ll only drink the box ‘o wine unless he has some special ass cheese. WTH is that all about?? :)

        Oh, and since I know he’s supposed to come visit you soon, you better get something better than Nabisco crackers, because he seemed to think he’s too good for a Ritz!! hahaha

  5. Jason: Very clever idea…Wish I would have thought of that.Good King Wenceslas is
    another one. First of all, why is this even a Christmas Carol??? It has absolutely NOTHING to do with Xmas. Secondly, check out THESE words in the Carol,,,

    “Bring me flesh and bring me wine
    Bring me pine logs hither
    Thou and I will see him dine
    When we bear him thither.”

    WTF???? Now were talking about canabolism and Drunkeness. The Pine logs, I’m Clueless.

    Anyway…Great write…I’m Jealous…

    • Aww thanks Sooz but I’m no more talented than you, and you’ll always have talents I never can.

      OK, I admit I had to look it up. Good King Wenceslas went out on the Feast of Stephen. St. Stephen’s Day is celebrated by Catholics on December 26 and Eastern Orthodox on December 27, so right after Christmas, and the 26th is also Boxing Day in all the British Empire countries. St. Stephen is considered to be the first martyr, whose story is told in Acts 6:11. Because you wanted to know, of course :D

    • Well it sorta does (see now you have the nerd in me coming out) but I will spare you the explanation about his journey. But the cannibalism is yuck. I told him this one was good!

  6. Wha . . . why am I on the naughty list?! Just for that, no Tillamook cheese for you (Tillamook is in Oregon, you know), and none of my butter toffee for you either – I’m going to tell Becca’s hypothical kids to save one piece each and eat it right in front of you. If I’m going to be on the naughty list, I damned well want to deserve it.

    Oh yeah, you should hear my version of Santa Claus is Coming to Town. It’s rated NC-17.

  7. homophobic, irreverent, iconoclastic…funny shite. however, you went too far with boxing day, that’s canadian code for a good hockey fight which of course won’t happen this year so you made me sad (der), to the point of likely not making mary this xmas. jasonbites.

          • Nice one! Well, nice several. This reminds me of the humour merchants who took a number of much-loved family fare songs and beeped bits out (sample: “Two little boys had two little BEEP”; and “Just BEEPg me tight, I’ll be all right.”

            Also of the occasion I took my mother to a Christmas night church service, the church organist was called Michael, the church organ had recently been replaced and a woman church official of some kind with a high, posh voice announced, “And our special thanks are due to Michael, who’s been struggling for years with a worn-out organ.” My mother later accused me of having made her struggle with giggles right through the service. I think I made some sort of suppressed “mnk…” type noise at the announcement.

Oh you know you want to give verbal ejaculation a try. Spit it out!