So, I spent Christmas back home in Georgia with my family and then flew to Texas to spend the week of New Year’s with Becca and her (hypothetical) family. Becca is staring at me on webcam and says I can’t write about anything that she already has or wants to on here, so I guess I’ll just talk about what a terrible hostess she is. Really, it’s a good thing that hypothetical family has her back or else Social Services would be stepping in on behalf of her neglected house guests.

First of all, the place was a pig sty. Obviously Becca did not wake up by 10 am the last time the cleaning ladies tried to come in. The place was littered everywhere with gifts for me. Also there was a coffeemaker out with a new bag of coffee, even though no one else there but me drinks coffee. This was a profound disappointment because I was really expecting that new Keurig be set up for just me. To make matters worse, I was practically starving to death because even though she went to great effort to make full fried chicken and turkey dinners my first two nights there, she inexplicably failed to make dessert.

To add insult to injury, Becca refused to indulge my introverted homebody tendencies by dragging me out almost every night and forcing me to have fun. In fact, despite her own rule that “there will be no fun in this house!” there constantly is which shows you the great lack of discipline there. She made me dance on New Year’s Eve and listen to live music while drinking in the bars on Sixth Street in downtown Austin. She compelled me to accompany her family to a restaurant on a clifftop with a stunning view of sunset over a sprawling lake and to see The Hobbit as well and furthermore wrecked my fragile male ego by insisting they pay for everything.

You just obviously cannot trust this woman, especially if she tells you there are no laughs or fun to be had. So beware if you should ever find yourself made a “guest” in her beautiful home. She may just force you to relax in a recliner while watching a 100″ TV and some of us just aren’t built to be coddled like that.

Snootchie bootchies!

~Jason