Due to the large number of complaints about my Saturday posts being humorous, I have put in a tremendous amount of energy to make sure this one isn’t. It is a Festivus miracle!
According to the Seinfeld model, Festivus is celebrated each year on December 23rd. However, many people celebrate it other times in December, and even at other times throughout the year.
Festivus is “A Festivus for the rest of us!” Of course, most of us know this holiday from Seinfeld. Get out your aluminum pole and participate in the “Airing of Grievances”, which is an opportunity to tell others how they have disappointed you this year. You should follow this by a Festivus dinner because, well, men like women to slave in the kitchen, no matter how anti-Christmas they are. Then it is time for the “Feats of Strength”, where the head of the household must be pinned down.
Because you’re reading this online, I can’t cook a feast or pin you all down. I have decided to give an airing of grievances on I forgot to be funny Saturday.
- Broken cookies. I want my cookies whole, darn it.
- I hate the plastic packaging on things. I swear I cut into them and I still can’t get to the actual product. I keep feeling like I am going to cut myself.
- The bottom of a peanut butter container. I hate getting food or sticky things on me unintentionally. When I go to scrape and I get peanut butter on my hand… total freak out. So I keep several jars of fresh peanut butter on hand. I let my hypothetical children scrape for the leftovers in the old container.
- You all that drop a piece of ice on the floor and leave it there. Then after it is melted, I step on it in my sock. Then I have that second where I am afraid I have stepped in dog pee.
- I hate when I wake up to pee 30 minutes before I have to get up for the day. I look at the clock. I know if I go back to sleep, it will be more difficult to wake up. I feel cheated the whole day.
- You douches that take up two parking spaces. I do this too, but when I do (by accident), it is because I am a princess. If there are no parking spaces left, of course I see friggin’ 15 cars taking up two spaces. Beccarage happens and I consider keying cars and slashing tires… then I remember the superglued screw and I move on.
- Lady that licked my leg at the pool. Gross, I don’t know you. Never lick a person’s leg without permission. I think all the men in my life are mad at you too because you didn’t do it in front of them.
- Mother Nature, you’re a bitch. I hate you several days of the month.
- Elf on the shelf, I saw you watching me in the shower. Go away.
- Teacher at the school, when I have never talked to you before, I don’t want to hear about your vagina troubles.
- I hate when tape sticks to itself and you can’t find the end.
- People who are obsessed with themselves on Facebook. “OMG my ass looks big in these pantz! Look at this picture and tell me my ass looks big!” Then they post a picture you can tell they think looks hot. Gag me with a spoon. (rolls eyes)
- People that type things with lots of extra letters. “Heyyyyyyy!”
- Men that say, “How married are you?” to women.
- All of you who don’t listen to my advice and then complain later when things work out like I said they would.
When I go to a restaurant and I accidently touch someone’s gum under the table.
- Anyone that doesn’t find me funny.
Happy Festivus Everyone!
Lady or Not… Here I Come