Happy Festivus

Due to the large number of complaints about my Saturday posts being humorous, I have put in a tremendous amount of energy to make sure this one isn’t.  It is a Festivus miracle!

award Happy Festivus

According to the Seinfeld model, Festivus is celebrated each year on December 23rd. However, many people celebrate it other times in December, and even at other times throughout the year.

FrankFestivusPole1 Happy FestivusFestivus is “A Festivus for the rest of us!”  Of course, most of us know this holiday from Seinfeld. Get out your aluminum pole and participate in the ”Airing of Grievances”, which is an opportunity to tell others how they have disappointed you this year. You should follow this by a Festivus dinner because, well, men like women to slave in the kitchen, no matter how anti-Christmas they are. Then it is time for the “Feats of Strength”, where the head of the household must be pinned down.

festivus 7113951 Happy Festivus

My gift to you in honor of the upcoming holiday.

 

Because you’re reading this online, I can’t cook a feast or pin you all down.  I have decided to give an airing of grievances on I forgot to be funny Saturday.

  • Broken cookies.  I want my cookies whole, darn it.
  • clamshell packaging Happy FestivusI hate the plastic packaging on things.  I swear I cut into them and I still can’t get to the actual product.  I keep feeling like I am going to cut myself.
  • The bottom of a peanut butter container.  I hate getting food or sticky things on me unintentionally.  When I go to scrape and I get peanut butter on my hand… total freak out.  So I keep several jars of fresh peanut butter on hand.  I let my hypothetical children scrape for the leftovers in the old container.
  • You all that drop a piece of ice on the floor and leave it there. Then after it is melted, I step on it in my sock.  Then I have that second where I am afraid I have stepped in dog pee.
  • I hate when I wake up to pee 30 minutes before I have to get up for the day. I look at the clock. I know if I go back to sleep, it will be more difficult to wake up.  I feel cheated the whole day.
  • You douches that take up two parking spaces.  I do this too, but when I do (by accident), it is because I am a princess.  If there are no parking spaces left, of course I see friggin’ 15 cars taking up two spaces. Beccarage happens and I consider keying cars and slashing tires… then I remember the superglued screw and I move on.
  • Lady that licked my leg at the pool.  Gross, I don’t know you.  Never lick a person’s leg without permission.  I think all the men in my life are mad at you too because you didn’t do it in front of them.
  • Mother Nature, you’re a bitch.  I hate you several days of the month.
  • Elf on the shelf, I saw you watching me in the shower.  Go away.
  • Teacher at the school, when I have never talked to you before, I don’t want to hear about your vagina troubles.
  • I hate when tape sticks to itself and you can’t find the end.
  • 129073648614951573 Happy FestivusPeople who are obsessed with themselves on Facebook. “OMG my ass looks big in these pantz!  Look at this picture and tell me my ass looks big!” Then they post a picture you can tell they think looks hot. Gag me with a spoon.  (rolls eyes)
  • People that type things with lots of extra letters.  ”Heyyyyyyy!”
  • Men that say, “How married are you?” to women.
  • All of you who don’t listen to my advice and then complain later when things work out like I said they would.
  • tumblr me4prsMGRS1ryi9g2 Happy Festivus

    Did I just touch someone else’s gum?!

    When I go to a restaurant and I accidently touch someone’s gum under the table.

  • Anyone that doesn’t find me funny.

Happy Festivus Everyone!

x,

Becca

Lady or Not… Here I Come

 


Comments

Happy Festivus — 126 Comments

  1. “How married are you?”
    “That depends; how little is your di–?”

    Lol, if I wore an outfit like that I damn sure wouldn’t be worried about my butt looking big. I don’t think I would be worried about much of anything. I think I would be walking around in a pair of stillettos too with a wicked smirk on my face and a come-hither look in my eyes…
    ;-)

  2. For those FB pictures, you could reply “OMG! Your butt looks ENOURMOUS! It’s so big it could provide shelter for an entire country during the Armageddon! Get out of those pants! Not that I think it’ll help.”

  3. Great posting Becca and you are right, I do like Slave women in my kitchen, actually I like them all over, especially at night when I can feed on their… Never mind ;) BTW – Thank you for viewing my nutty video and for your fine observations :) Are you being good today, like me I mean? ;) lmao

    Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year 2013 Becca :) :)

    Andro xxx

  4. Ok, airing of the grievances, hmmm…people who use you for a follow on Twitter, it makes me feel so violated :( That’s my on line rant. Real life…people who think they own my road, (any road I’m driving on is my road). Maintenance workers at my complex who throw their lunch wrappers and discarded building materials all over the property, so yeah the roof is fixed but now this place is filled with trash. Maintenance workers: Please grow up and have some respect, people live here. Oh that was a true complaint, didn’t mean to get so negative lol Happy Festivus!!!

  5. Her buns sure look chunky! And that nuke-proof plastic sheathing on certain products ~ lets find the culprit and stone them! No excuse for that crap. How many people have ended up in an ER trying to open those with a dangerous object! All cuz’ some people are crooks. The domino effect…

  6. I have a question. Do you like INTENTIONALLY getting food or sticky things on you? Just curious. I swear. Other that this could be my own Toss it in a Bucket List! Happy New Chrismakwanzafestikah to you as well!

    • LOL I do that all the time. My friend Rod is always fussing at me about it before I post. I try to always correct it. Jason is always fussing because I say they instead of he or she.

    • I was watching Jeopardy and, in the category of “Two-Letter Words,” the clue was “The objective case of ‘we’”… All three contestants declined to ring in. The correct question of course was “What is ‘us’?” There’s only so many two-letter words…

  7. seinfeld was one of the few good things to come out of america…that and that pic of that yankee woman with the too big butt. oh, and women slaves should replace the 2nd amendment. festivus!

  8. It didn’t count there was no Pole…ijs your airing of grievances are nullified unless you restate with pole…The pole dancers and Festivus union committee.. was there a pole in your presences?

  9. Was reading a comment above about “Have a nice day” and yes, agreed. Even worse, in this part of the world is “Have a good one”. A good what, I kept on wondering. Sounds really lewd. And shallow. And meaningless, obviously. Yuck.

    Happy Christmas if we don’t get the chance to exchange!

  10. I can definitely relate when it comes to those couple of days a month. I don’t care if some people think it’s a godly punishment, I think it’s a lousy practical joke “thou shalt hate the fact that thou art a woman several days a month”.
    Confession: I don’t follow back everyone on Twitter anymore… too many people using Tweepi and following a couple of hundreds of people every week to get followers. I hate being seen as a potential audience or customer by every marketing-crazed idiot on the web!
    Last: cleaning the floor then stepping on some unseen crumb… crap. This always happens. It’s a family-with-kids thing I guess.

  11. All valid additions to the hate list I have! Man, are there a lot of pains in the neck, little daily problems and irritations. It made me smile at the list of things you had! I will never “hate” Johnny Depp, no matter how silly or weird he is, but people who lick legs or stick their tongues out in a gross way, yeah.

  12. Who’s Seinfeld? Oh, some American.

    This is an interesting idea (Festivus, not Americans: the latter has been tried rather frequently). I was reading blogs about Thanksgiving, something unknown over here, and gathered it’s a special day to give thanks for all the good things in life. This leaves 364 days to complain about the bad things – or distil that into one Grumbling Day. Same with Christmas, the Season of Goodwill. Either all the rest is the Season of Badwill, or you nominate one day to loathe people and be mean.

    Oh, and I think she looks sexy in that photo and you can tell her that her butt does look big, but that’s fine.

  13. Yeah, those Facebook obsessed people are annoying. If you want a compliment, just be honest. On a related note, when a girl posts a picture on Facebook wearing a bikini, it’s understood that she wants you to masturbate to it, right? Just making sure I’m not wrong about that one.

    I agree with most of your grievances, but I’m wondering where you run across these odd people who do strange things like lick your leg and not think you’re funny.

  14. “The bottom of a peanut butter container.”
    Solutions:
    1. Putty Knife
    2. Fill jar about 1/4 way with hot spring water; close lid tightly; shake vigorously until all remaining PB is unstuck from inner jar walls & mixed with the water; pour contents into broad-mouthed Pyrex or Ceramic flask (or even a smooth-bottomed cup or small bowl); place on coffee warmer or, preferably, a jar-candle warmer; cover opening with cheese cloth or other material that will keep dust & debris out without trapping evaporated water in; hit the ON switch; monitor lightly; when reduced to desired consistency: remove from heat, and ENJOY!

    OPTIONAL: Instead of cheese cloth, seal very tightly with a cover with one small aperture with tube running therefrom into a collection vessel. The tube must run downward to the collection vessel, which should also be situated in an open cooler, packed with ice. Oh, and one last detail: Substitute Wine in place of water. Do this, and you’ll probably be the first ever to try Peanut Butter Brandy. Let me know how it works.

    Stay Cool!
    ~kp

    PS. You ARE Funny.

  15. You omitted people who work like hell to get in front of you and then slow down, for some reasen. Anyway, from adult-proof containers on, you’re on the money right down the list. Well, except no woman has licked my leg in a pool, which must be some sort of violation of my rights. But it has occurred to me too, that these annoyances are only escapable by being dead, or at least most of them. I haven’t tried that yet.

  16. Loved it!!!! I find myself quoting Seinfeld episodes involuntarily. Glad you stopped by my blog so I could find you. So many great bloggers, so little time. “These pretzels are making me thirsty.”

Oh you know you want to give verbal ejaculation a try. Spit it out!