It’s Too Late Now! It Won’t Count.

If you’re a man, and lost your virginity, you know this phrase.  It translates to: No win situation. “It’s too late now.  It won’t count.” This is the phrase uttered by every female in existence.  I am sure even female dolphins say it, it is so ingrained in our DNA.

 Its  Too Late Now! It Wont Count.I will have been married for 13 years in April.  This, of course, means I don’t even have to say the phrase.  My husband knows that if I have to tell him I want him to do something… no win.  Last week I asked him why he hadn’t asked me out to lunch but asked guy friends out for lunch (I asked permission to write about this).  Sunday he walked up to me and said, “Lunch, Tuesday.”  When we had lunch yesterday, we had a good laugh about his verbalizing it in that way.

When you’re new to a relationship, it goes a little different.  Lady or Not… Here I Come! feels we should help relationship newbies, with the following conversation:

Her: Honey, Kelli got roses today from her boyfriend for her promotion.

Him: Cool. (continues watching ESPN)

Her: You know, the same promotion I got.

Him: Yeah, good job babe. (pats her on the shoulder without looking at her)

Her: That wasn’t my shoulder, that was my boob.

Him: (looks at her because she said “boob”)  Ohhh you want some of this?  Come here baby. (Grabs her boob and leans in for a kiss)

Her: What the hell?  Don’t you understand women at all?!

Him:  What did I do?

Her: Kelli got flowers and I didn’t.  You know how embarrassing that was?  Do you even love me?

Him: Flowers equals love?  I didn’t know.

Her: Whatever!  (storms off and slams bedroom door)

Him: (eyes lotion and tissues)

The next day he comes home from work with flowers.  He is proud of himself for remembering.

Him: Honey, look I got you flowers.

Her: It’s too late.  It doesn’t count.  Plus they are not at work.  No one sees them.

Him:  What the hell? I got you flowers.

Her: Too late!

The next day he shows up with flowers at her job.  He is proud again.  The receptionist is impressed. He knows this will make her happy.

Her: Hey hon, what ya doing here?

Him: I brought you flowers! (beams with pride)

Her:  Its  Too Late Now! It Wont Count.OMG are you trying to embarrass me?  There is no vase and it’s two days later! AND THE PRICE TAG FROM THE $9.99 BARREL AT THE GROCERY STORE IS STILL ON IT!

Him: (blushed red) Flowers are expensive and I got you these yesterday and you didn’t complain about the cost.

Her: Do you even know me?

Him: I am sorry, I tried.  Here, just take them.

Her:  Honey, I am not trying to be mean.  I can’t take them.  I have no where to put them.  They will just fall over in the styrofoam cup and spill water on my desk.

The next day rolls around.  He shows up with a new diamond ring.

Her: OMG I love you baby.  See, now you’ve learned.

Him: Yes, the moral of the story is your promotion means a lot more work for me and costs me more than your raise was worth.

Her: As long as I have bling.  ;)

celebrity pictures marilyn monroe diamonds whatever Its  Too Late Now! It Wont Count.

x,

Becca

Lady or Not… Here I Come!

*Lady or Not… Here I Come! does not condone or endorse bitchiness from women nor laziness from men. We do, however, endorse masturbation, aka Starbucking©.

 


Comments

It’s Too Late Now! It Won’t Count. — 107 Comments

  1. Yup! That sounds about right. Sadly, I’m one of those who simply requires a word of recognition. Anything more is bonus. Fortunately for me, I have one of those guys who does the nice gestures for no reason at all. :-)

    • Score because he took me out to lunch? Our conversation was funny but this made up one was funnier.

      It is smart to take notes when it comes to my post are here for your education. ;)

  2. This voices the argument I have in my head but pretend I am too not-girly to have in real life when I don’t get flowers at my job. When I had a job. Now I don’t get flowers at home and there is nobody there to compare myself to. Moral of the story: quit your job.

    –Julie

  3. Women be crazy!! We men can’t win. If we do something original, we’re ostracized by our man friends for making them look like dicks, but if we don’t do anything original to please our ladies, we’re having the above interaction and left talking with the dog about what the hell just happened. 17 years with my wife and this is still reality! Love the post!

  4. hahahahhah
    Becca, I loved it!
    I’m still laughing.
    I gotta share this, I forgot my anniversary, well I remembered it but the wrong date, 7 instead of 15, but I was convinced I had forgotten it (confusing I know). So I bought flowers and the most expensive desserts my money can buy (read 2 Take Five), brought it to work, guess what I got “Where did you steal those flowers?!”, take them away, I don’t want those on my desk, you stole them and are playing jokes on me (I usually do). I felt torn, so I confessed, I said I was sorry that I had forgotten our anniversary, he started to laugh and told me he would kill me, cuz our anniversary was not until a week from that day. The 15th arrived, and guess what? Yeah, I forgot it, but so did he. Straight or not, men are a mess.

  5. Oh, this is funny! Years ago, I’d made a comment to my husband how other women at work got flowers for their anniversaries and birthdays. Well, one year he finally did it – and he got the same types of flowers we had at our wedding. By the end of the day, I had sneezed so much I couldn’t breathe and had a raging sinus headache – I was allergic to them! So I went from cooing about how sweet he was to wondering why he hated me….then he got yelled at again when I saw the credit card bill with how much he spent on the flowers! Poor guy can’t win!

  6. Hahaha! I can SO relate to this. Hubby forgot my birthday one time and showed up with flowers the next day!! BOO HISS! Why don’t men get that it’s much worse to do this? Love your posts. Cheers!

  7. So… I should invest in a TARDIS. It’s the way Doctor Who gets around: a time machine that’s bigger on the inside. I can stuff all sorts of random gifts in it and when she complains about a friend getting a gift, I can zap myself to just before it happened. Then I can give her a kayak or a stuffed animal or a buffet. I’ll never be too late because I’ll always be there before the moment exists. Unless it’s a fixed point in time. Then I’ll have to go to another planet to avoid her rage for me not being a good time-traveler. Stupid bitch.

  8. Becca, Lord have mercy, no truer words spoken, as long as you got bling and jewels you are happy. LMFAO, that is a bbj smile if I ever saw one. (boobs, bling, jewel). Take care, Bill, btw men get it, we hate that we do, but we get it.

  9. Loved this so much, laughed a bunch, what a hoot! This is the way it should go to keep them off their game. Confuse them, make them come up with bigger and better stuff. I wish for someone to practice this on!

  10. Worked on a show with SuperGeek one year that happened to coincide with my birthday which he forgot. All night on the comms system the tech crew kept asking cryptic quesitons – ‘did he remember’ to which i had to answer no. The more they asked the angrier I got. By the end of the evening my boss thought we were heading for a divorce. Poor SG finally remembered and sent flowers the next day. Too late! Have dined out on that story for years!

  11. Reminds me of a conversation I had frequently with a girlfriend:

    “Jeremy, why don’t you ever ask me to go clubbing with you?”
    “I don’t go clubbing.”
    “I know, but I do.”
    “So…You want to know why I don’t ask you to invite me to go to the club with you?”
    “Yeah.”
    “Because I don’t dance.”
    “But I love dancing.”
    “…Which is why you go to the club and I don’t.”
    “But I want to dance with you.”
    “No you don’t. Trust me. You’d change your mind once I started dancing.”
    “Come on, you never want to go.”
    “Fine! Okay, I’ll go if it makes you happy. Alright?”
    “No, you don’t really want to go.”
    “I just said I would.”
    “Only because I want you to. I want you to want to go.”
    “You know what, I’m going to bed. Feel free to smother me with a pillow.”

Oh you know you want to give verbal ejaculation a try. Spit it out!