If you’re a man, and lost your virginity, you know this phrase. It translates to: No win situation. “It’s too late now. It won’t count.” This is the phrase uttered by every female in existence. I am sure even female dolphins say it, it is so ingrained in our DNA.
I will have been married for 13 years in April. This, of course, means I don’t even have to say the phrase. My husband knows that if I have to tell him I want him to do something… no win. Last week I asked him why he hadn’t asked me out to lunch but asked guy friends out for lunch (I asked permission to write about this). Sunday he walked up to me and said, “Lunch, Tuesday.” When we had lunch yesterday, we had a good laugh about his verbalizing it in that way.
When you’re new to a relationship, it goes a little different. Lady or Not… Here I Come! feels we should help relationship newbies, with the following conversation:
Her: Honey, Kelli got roses today from her boyfriend for her promotion.
Him: Cool. (continues watching ESPN)
Her: You know, the same promotion I got.
Him: Yeah, good job babe. (pats her on the shoulder without looking at her)
Her: That wasn’t my shoulder, that was my boob.
Him: (looks at her because she said “boob”) Ohhh you want some of this? Come here baby. (Grabs her boob and leans in for a kiss)
Her: What the hell? Don’t you understand women at all?!
Him: What did I do?
Her: Kelli got flowers and I didn’t. You know how embarrassing that was? Do you even love me?
Him: Flowers equals love? I didn’t know.
Her: Whatever! (storms off and slams bedroom door)
Him: (eyes lotion and tissues)
The next day he comes home from work with flowers. He is proud of himself for remembering.
Him: Honey, look I got you flowers.
Her: It’s too late. It doesn’t count. Plus they are not at work. No one sees them.
Him: What the hell? I got you flowers.
Her: Too late!
The next day he shows up with flowers at her job. He is proud again. The receptionist is impressed. He knows this will make her happy.
Her: Hey hon, what ya doing here?
Him: I brought you flowers! (beams with pride)
Her: OMG are you trying to embarrass me? There is no vase and it’s two days later! AND THE PRICE TAG FROM THE $9.99 BARREL AT THE GROCERY STORE IS STILL ON IT!
Him: (blushed red) Flowers are expensive and I got you these yesterday and you didn’t complain about the cost.
Her: Do you even know me?
Him: I am sorry, I tried. Here, just take them.
Her: Honey, I am not trying to be mean. I can’t take them. I have no where to put them. They will just fall over in the styrofoam cup and spill water on my desk.
The next day rolls around. He shows up with a new diamond ring.
Her: OMG I love you baby. See, now you’ve learned.
Him: Yes, the moral of the story is your promotion means a lot more work for me and costs me more than your raise was worth.
Her: As long as I have bling. ;)
x,
Becca
Lady or Not… Here I Come!
*Lady or Not… Here I Come! does not condone or endorse bitchiness from women nor laziness from men. We do, however, endorse masturbation, aka Starbucking©.
Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe………….STILL Laughing…Hehehehehehehehehehehehe……
OMG….You’re killin’ me girl…….Hehehehehehehe…….
xx
Sooz
I am glad you laughed so hard. I have seen it happen one too many times.
INTERESTING, AS USUAL OF COURSE.
Thanks Neel.
Lol, nothing could be closer to the truth!!
LOL I know. I have seen it. If it isn’t the flowers, it is something that sets it off. Diamonds fix everything.
HA! Diamonds my butt… all I get are gold stars, LOL!
Poor you and your gold stars. You deserve diamonds.
That’s what I keep saying…I just get “The Look”.
Awesome I laughed my tits off, thank you for sharing
Keep those tits darling but keep on laughing. The world would be a sad place without boobs.
Ain’t that the truth.
This was so funny and I know it’s true for a lot of women but I have to confess, I am the colleague who got the flowers on the first day
My husband has always bought me flowers, gifts and surprises. He’s ahead of the game.
Awww then he is a keeper. Do you secretly think that you win when they show up for you and not others?
No, but I am a little smug
I bet that makes him feel nice too. I am happy you have that.
Yup! That sounds about right. Sadly, I’m one of those who simply requires a word of recognition. Anything more is bonus. Fortunately for me, I have one of those guys who does the nice gestures for no reason at all.
Awww that is sweet. I am glad you have that. It really is the smallest gestures that mean the most.
“Him: Flowers equals love? I didn’t know.” … I’ve got to write that one down. Thanks!
Score 2 Points for Mr. Becca! Hooray for the Good Guys!
~kp
Score because he took me out to lunch? Our conversation was funny but this made up one was funnier.
It is smart to take notes when it comes to my post are here for your education.
Too Funny!
Thank you so much. I was really worried about it, but it seems it speak to others like I hoped it would. (Hugs)
This voices the argument I have in my head but pretend I am too not-girly to have in real life when I don’t get flowers at my job. When I had a job. Now I don’t get flowers at home and there is nobody there to compare myself to. Moral of the story: quit your job.
–Julie
LOL I don’t work either. I am with you.
Wow, that chap has so much to learn! Women are a different specie…
indeed we are. Time teaches.
I guessed it : women and men are a bad match. Great post – that’s the reality ;o)
Aww thanks. Yes they make horrible matches.
Women be crazy!! We men can’t win. If we do something original, we’re ostracized by our man friends for making them look like dicks, but if we don’t do anything original to please our ladies, we’re having the above interaction and left talking with the dog about what the hell just happened. 17 years with my wife and this is still reality! Love the post!
LOL thanks. Well the answer to whom you should worry about their response is… who do you sleep with?
This is so true, it’s almost not funny. The Neolithic revolution may have subdued men’s inner urges to hunt mammoth, a little, but our inner Neanderthal is alive and well!
Ahh but you know… most women like a little caveman in their men. It’s a thing.
That’s what I tell the women who complain about their sensitive, girly guys. I tell them to look for men who are “caveman simple” (should be easy, right?), and they will be much happier.
hahahahhah
Becca, I loved it!
I’m still laughing.
I gotta share this, I forgot my anniversary, well I remembered it but the wrong date, 7 instead of 15, but I was convinced I had forgotten it (confusing I know). So I bought flowers and the most expensive desserts my money can buy (read 2 Take Five), brought it to work, guess what I got “Where did you steal those flowers?!”, take them away, I don’t want those on my desk, you stole them and are playing jokes on me (I usually do). I felt torn, so I confessed, I said I was sorry that I had forgotten our anniversary, he started to laugh and told me he would kill me, cuz our anniversary was not until a week from that day. The 15th arrived, and guess what? Yeah, I forgot it, but so did he. Straight or not, men are a mess.
LMAO It is good that you two have that kind of relationship. I try to not set my hubby up and give him fair warning. Straight or not, people are a mess. lol
Lose your virginity? That just sounds weird. Who would do that? I never have to buy diamonds for my cats.
Are you saying you lost your virginity to your cats?
They’ll never get it.
who won’t?
Oh, this is funny! Years ago, I’d made a comment to my husband how other women at work got flowers for their anniversaries and birthdays. Well, one year he finally did it – and he got the same types of flowers we had at our wedding. By the end of the day, I had sneezed so much I couldn’t breathe and had a raging sinus headache – I was allergic to them! So I went from cooing about how sweet he was to wondering why he hated me….then he got yelled at again when I saw the credit card bill with how much he spent on the flowers! Poor guy can’t win!
Poor man. You should show this to him. I bet he would get a giggle.
YOUR HUMOR…is a girl’s best friend. Well, maybe second best. Diamonds still win.
Diamonds always win. Thanks so much ((hugs))
Wait, go back to that bit about boobs…
are you motor boating in your head?
Hahaha! I can SO relate to this. Hubby forgot my birthday one time and showed up with flowers the next day!! BOO HISS! Why don’t men get that it’s much worse to do this? Love your posts. Cheers!
Thanks so much for sharing this Debbie. Ohhh I bet he was in the dog house for a while!
You know it!
So true and so funny.
Thanks
YOU… Are quite funny. Good stuff. Thanks for visiting my blog.
Thanks so much. I hope to see you around here again.
So… I should invest in a TARDIS. It’s the way Doctor Who gets around: a time machine that’s bigger on the inside. I can stuff all sorts of random gifts in it and when she complains about a friend getting a gift, I can zap myself to just before it happened. Then I can give her a kayak or a stuffed animal or a buffet. I’ll never be too late because I’ll always be there before the moment exists. Unless it’s a fixed point in time. Then I’ll have to go to another planet to avoid her rage for me not being a good time-traveler. Stupid bitch.
LOL You angry? Well personally I would like the machine, just for fun… forget gift giving.
Yeah, it’s fun until you do things like stop Lincoln from being assassinated (which would cause World War III in 1899) or tell the people of Troy to burn that wooden horse the Greeks gave ‘em (which would cause the Intergalactic Battle for Jupiter next week). No good can come from time-travel. Except “Doctor Who”. And “Back to the Future”. And “Back to the Future Part II”. And “Back to the Future Part III”.
Great Scott!
Giga-what?!
Hmm, I don’t play this game with my husband. Maybe I better start. I don’t want his life to be too easy…
LOL naaa I have a feeling your marriage will last longer if you don’t.
Good point. But if I ever do try it, I’m going to substitute chocolate for flowers.
Eww smart woman.
Good guy, he finally redeemed himself by buying a piece of jewelry. Although there was another way for Him to impress Her – to send flowers to her office with a cheesy Hallmark card and a singing quartet
haha great idea!
This is a test, Rebecca, to see if my comment will be accepted…!
You are accepted
Oh, Rebecca… I’ve been accepted…! Hurray…!
I’ll be back…!
Hahahah…. Yes, that about sums it up, Rebecca…
Ahhhhh; they say ‘true love’ never runs smooth….
LOL sad but true.
Becca, Lord have mercy, no truer words spoken, as long as you got bling and jewels you are happy. LMFAO, that is a bbj smile if I ever saw one. (boobs, bling, jewel). Take care, Bill, btw men get it, we hate that we do, but we get it.
LOL I am glad you get it. Great hearing from you today Bill.
Loved this so much, laughed a bunch, what a hoot! This is the way it should go to keep them off their game. Confuse them, make them come up with bigger and better stuff. I wish for someone to practice this on!
Yeah, that is hard part. I should start a dating service on my blog.
OMG! This was Heeeeeelarious! Thanks for the belly laugh! All sadly accurate too:-)
Thanks so much. I hope to see you around here more.
You have successfully pin pointed why men get gray hair faster than women… =P
LOL that an women use hair dye.
=P Ya, that is where I was going with that “obviously” lol.
Hey! You forgot to say what the dude was watching on ESPN!
lol who cares?
such words of wisdom….too bad guys never learn. sigh……
LOL They do… just takes time
Worked on a show with SuperGeek one year that happened to coincide with my birthday which he forgot. All night on the comms system the tech crew kept asking cryptic quesitons – ‘did he remember’ to which i had to answer no. The more they asked the angrier I got. By the end of the evening my boss thought we were heading for a divorce. Poor SG finally remembered and sent flowers the next day. Too late! Have dined out on that story for years!
LOL For shame. See, if I were on the crew I probably would have whispered something to him to be nice. They must have been mad at him. Well, I am sure you’re taken care of now.
He will NEVER forget again. My work here is done!
So much simpler if they could just read our minds …
lol I think our minds would be a very scary place for them.
Yeah… no. It would really suck if I thought she was smart and then once I heard her thoughts, realized that she’s not so much. Not that that would apply to any present company
hmph We gals be right Smawt
lol! Yes indeed that would suck, the other way around would certainly be easier to take
Let’s just say it’s better for everyone that nobody can read minds.
Ain’t that the truth!
Damn I was following that then I saw the picture of Marilyn and thought, ‘I would definitely buy her diamonds’ and then I forgot what I read. Sorry
LOL buy me diamonds. I know I am not blond but neither is she naturally.
You know what? I prefer brunettes, honestly, and brown eyes. Marilyn’s an exception lol If I was rich, I’d mail you diamonds even if we never met in person
Awww get rich darling
I don’t have brown eyes… they are green. Well Hazel, there are specks of brown.
My second favorite
Geesh, just realized that didn’t sound nice lol. I have tastes but not really favorites, it depends upon the person of course
LOL I love that you’re coming back to qualify. Just tell me I am pretty and send me diamonds and we are good.
You’re very pretty, and the diamonds will come when I strike it rich
lol good job.
Reminds me of a conversation I had frequently with a girlfriend:
“Jeremy, why don’t you ever ask me to go clubbing with you?”
“I don’t go clubbing.”
“I know, but I do.”
“So…You want to know why I don’t ask you to invite me to go to the club with you?”
“Yeah.”
“Because I don’t dance.”
“But I love dancing.”
“…Which is why you go to the club and I don’t.”
“But I want to dance with you.”
“No you don’t. Trust me. You’d change your mind once I started dancing.”
“Come on, you never want to go.”
“Fine! Okay, I’ll go if it makes you happy. Alright?”
“No, you don’t really want to go.”
“I just said I would.”
“Only because I want you to. I want you to want to go.”
“You know what, I’m going to bed. Feel free to smother me with a pillow.”
or with her boobs.
I can’t think of a better way to go.
You lost that battle on your first reply. Always be honest, unless there’s something she really wants to do that you don’t; then apply your best thespian skills.
Thespians rule. I am an honor one. Yep… I got braggin’ rights.
Thespian? That’s illegal in 37 states! (Caleb would say “name the movie”).
I would say Rango but it is seven not 37.