I had a follow-up sonogram for a cyst issue last year. I had written about it in a journal so I have the details.  Normally I wouldn’t post about health issues on the internet but this was too funny to pass up.  This really happened.

I went to my gynecologist office for a sonogram. I follow the technician into the dark room as she asked me if my bladder was full. “No one told me I needed a full bladder for this procedure. I just went to the bathroom.”  She looked at me and said, “Yes, you’re right.  I think I should do a vaginal sono like you suggested.”   What?  When did I suggest that? I simply said my bladder wasn’t full.

She then hands me the dreaded naked dress of paper and a lovely paper blanket”. That’s right men folk, women get to be naked in front of stranger in a beautiful paper gown!  I undress quickly and walk out with the paper blanket wrapped around me.  I laid down while she pulled out The Wand of Plenty.  What is The Wand of Plenty you may ask yourself. Let me show you.

Lovely huh?!

Then the lovely technician lubed The Wand of Plenty up and shoved that sucker in.  I said  ”Well…this is usually more fun.  In general, I like having a little more foreplay.   You should  let her know for next time.”   She laughed. Then I said, “The last time I had such an intimate relationship with The Wand of Plenty I was having a baby.”

She looked at me and her mouth opened. I knew then and there I had said too much.  She had that look in her eye.  The look I call full confessional mode.  I wanted to reach out and take my words back.  I just made myself completely relatable.  Crap!

With her hand on The Wand of Plenty, moving it around, she starts confessional time:

1. She wants another baby.

2. Her husband doesn’t.

3. Her husband travels a lot.

4. The ages of her kids.

5. Her baby brother died.

6. Her husband was 1 of 4 children.

7. The lining of my uterus looked good.

8. Her husband thought that there were too many siblings growing up.

9. She was always lonely.

10. She has 3 sisters-in-law.

11. She doesn’t like her sister-in-laws.

12. The younger one wants to be her best friend.

13. She is too different from his family.

14. She has one boy and girl.

15. My ovaries are clean

She added much more about her personal life. I just can’t list or remember it all.

I wonder what a man would do if someone was probing him, then decided to chat with him in this way.  I can picture it now.

Yes please. It would be a pleasure to hear how your kid pooped in the potty and did the potty dance.

Lady or Not…Here I Come!