Pretty Please

tumblr mbau9ok3ea1qc61coo1 500 Pretty PleaseY’all know I am a real writer. I’m not one of those crazy people that call myself a writer but show up to write without pants.  I’m so classy that I put on pants and a bra just to write this post. It ‘s a Monday, my hypothetical kids are asleep, my husband is tucked away neatly in the movie room playing fantasy something sports, and it is way past bra o’clock.  Yet, here I am fully clothed typing something, so that somewhere in the world someone can giggle.

 Pretty PleaseYou may ask yourself, why should Becca care if she is fully clothed to write?  Because I have to care. I have editors to talk with who may not want me clothed while Skyping, but I like to keep them guessing. Could you imagine the look of horror on my husband’s face if he walked in here with me undressed talking to the fellas? Yeah… it would be bad.

So what am I bitching about today?  The fact that these puppies… these giant assets, are having to be bound up for you to laugh.  So you guys and gals better be grateful for this post that I got dressed to write.  Please?  Pretty please?

IMG0017 3 Pretty Please

Pretty Please?!

Wait… I just thought of a way that you can show me your gratitude for my sacrifice in allowing this bra wire to stick into my boobs and putting on pants (stupid pants).  You can show your gratefulness by going to Circle of Moms and casting your vote for me as the funniest mom blogger.  I offer you nothing but a picture of me in my red whore lipstick.  Granted – since Alexia says that my site is “visited more frequently by females who are in the age range 45-54, received some college education and browse this site from home.”- you gals are itching to get a peek at my boobs.  So here you go:

My boobs Pretty Please

Ladyornot.com is anti-animal cruelty. Please do not spank your monkey while viewing this picture.

The way you vote is by clicking the logo.   You can vote every 24 hours.  You can now vote for me on the front page.  As of this moment I am #94.  Why do I care?  Because, I do… so please?

link badge Pretty Please

There are two other bloggers in the Lady or Not… Here I Come community that participate; if you see them please give them a vote as well:

  • http://sadderbutwiser.wordpress.com/2013/01/28/i-broke-into-a-building-with-milo-ventimiglia/
  • http://thefurfiles.com/2013/01/28/circle-of-moms-top-25-please-vote-for-me/

If I missed anyone please let me know.  We can help one another out.  Also, let me know when you vote so that I can thank you.

 

x,

Becca

Lady or Not… Here I Come!

Valenmance Ideas

As Valentine’s day approaches, everyone is quaking in fear. Most of you probably haven’t even realized it is two weeks and three days from now.  Have you ordered her gift?  Did you get him a card yet?  Do you pretend to be happy?  Do you fake true love?

Lady or Not… Here I Come wants to offer you a new idea: Valenmance© him/her.  Don’t give fake messages to the one you love.  Everyone knows that the secret to a good relationship is truth.

Why get your significant other a card full of lies like, ”I am thankful everyday that we are married” when you can give this card:

twoheartsbanner Valenmance Ideas

You know you laughed!

Or what about that new gal you’re dating.  She is beautiful. You heard she put out, but she didn’t.  You’re not really in love with her.  What do you do?  You give her this card:

val banner Valenmance Ideas

This one too far?

Did s/he sleep around before you met?  You’re a bit bummed about it, huh?  Well give him/her this card:

cherries Valenmance Ideas

okay, maybe this one went a bit far.

But this is the best one yet.  I would give this one:

honeybadger Valenmance Ideas

See. I can be sweet sometimes.

 

x,

Becca

Lady or Not… Here I Come!

Gentleman or Not… Here I Stay #10: Tips on Wooing Women
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As you no doubt picked up from last week’s Gentleman or Not installment, I have quite the way with women. My recent singularity has led me to rediscover  what I do best. So as a public service, I am presenting my best tips on wooing women. Most have actually occurred in my personal interactions; of course, around here we never let the truth get in the way of a good story.

1) Of course, you should always offer to help a woman with whatever she may 33564427 Gentleman or Not... Here I Stay #10: Tips on Wooing Womenneed help with. You may find she’s really particular about how she wants something done, though.  If you’re thinking her standards are so high that she qualifies as a obvious control freak, do this: Tell her that sometimes she can be a “stone cold bitch“. Any woman with an ounce of self-respect will love you for ascribing such power and control to her. If by some small chance she doesn’t respond favorably, you can make up for it by telling her she has a hot ass, which is all the better to hang on to.

2) If she is so misguided as to interpret your “all the better to hang on to” comment as implying that she has a big ass, whatever you do, don’t try to reverse it into a compliment. Simply assert that you had good intentions all along, but humor her misunderstanding by saying, “oops, my bad.”

129086505565951725 Gentleman or Not... Here I Stay #10: Tips on Wooing Women3) On that note, make sure you take every opportunity to tell her she’s not fat– especially when she didn’t bring it up. Nothing will make a woman feel better than being told she’s not fat when she never thought about it in the first place.

4) When you reach the point of getting lucky, play it cool. After you show how much you really care by going one hundred seconds instead of your usual thirty, be sure to make as many comparisons as possible to your previous conquests. For example, if you make a deposit on her chest, make sure you mention how your last girlfriend liked to rub it into her skin, and tell her you want her to do the same. Not only are you taking control, but you’re making her feel so very special that she gets to have you now.

5) Learn how to correctly interpret remarks from her that you may initially think Gentleman or Not... Here I Stay #10: Tips on Wooing Women are insults. If she says “last time I couldn’t really feel if it was in,” she means that she was so totally enraptured in the full body and mind experience that is the result of your lovemaking prowess that she was oblivious to the sensation of just one little part. But if you strongly suspect that she is, well, belittling you, you can easily come back by saying that it must be because of her big vagina (courtesy of Larry David).

5) If, God forbid, you should lose your, well, enthusiasm in the middle of a vigorous horizontal tango, blame it on the loss of friction. Say, “It’s just that you’re too wet. I know you just can’t help getting this turned on by me.” You’re doing her a favor by teaching her to not be so selfish.

You’re welcome.

banner manly Gentleman or Not... Here I Stay #10: Tips on Wooing Women

Never let the truth get in the way of a good story… 

~Jason

Football Sucks

Today is Becca forgot to be funny day… yep, again. Today we will talk about football.  I am currently in the process of smiling and nodding as a friend prattles on about fantasy football. I haven’t heard from my husband in months. He recently surfaced to say something about basketball or hockey or baseball… I don’t remember.

detroit blows Football Sucks

Football sucks

If y’all remember, I wrote a post about football in the fall as a challenge.  I think I was more concerned about consuming alcohol and chick-flicks than I was about the game, but hey my mission was accomplished… so I thought.  Nope! Recently, every friggin’ person and his brother wants to talk sports to me. I am great at faking it (enthusiasm for sports, that is) with an “uh-huh” and a “I hear you,” but they catch on sooner or later as my eyes glaze over.

416923 449407795101101 1415833058 n Football SucksWhat’s worse are those fantasy football nuts, like my husband.  Now I will tell you, fantasy football has been nice to me.  He played a free online game one year and we ended up with $25,000. That said, the picture on the left says it all.

When they talk about their fantasies as applied to football, they talk as if they could play better than Peyton Aikman or Michael Jordan or any other pro-football players.  ”What?  He should have caught that!”  They growl, fart, and stuff their faces with whatever crap that can get their hands on.  Usually it has some sort of partially hydrogenated powder crap mixed in.

81448672 Football Sucks

Sorry you were too busy looking at some dudes ass.

Let me tell you something fellas.  What you don’t know is that when you’re playing fantasy sports and scratching your balls (yes we see you do that and feel visually assaulted by you and your buddies), we women are having naked tickle fights.  We get dressed really quick, and check on you and if you don’t notice us you don’t get invited.

So remember that… sorry I forgot to be funny.

 

x,

Becca

Lady or Not…Here I Come!

award Football Sucks

WTF Friday #24

Real products:

 WTF Friday #24Ever want to play Russian Roulette but chickened out? Now you can test how good you are at this game with a one of a kind Japanese toy. Instead of a bullet, you get kicked in the head! Who doesn’t need a kick in the head? (source)

 

11 strange products gallery b WTF Friday #24Ever want to watch porn, but were afraid that others might see you?  Now you can watch it in the same room as your family.  Make sure to turn down the volume though.   It could be embarrassing if the fake moaning gets too loud!

 

 

tumblr mc7mkskmar1qg4sq6o1 250 WTF Friday #24Women have taken wearing heels to new heights.  Today’s designers are just trying to see how much pain we will endure to let our freak flag fly. I am a woman that loves my pretty shoes, but yuck.  They can keep these!

 

 

In the News:

Betrayed by DrAvatar WTF Friday #24Parents, ever get tired of your child playing video games?  Will they not get off their lazy asses and get a job? One father hired better players to be hit men and kill his 23-year-old son’s avatar.  Read more here… 

xlarge WTF Friday #24

 

 

There has been an epidemic of female teachers sleeping with their students.  One of those accused teachers decided to actually exercise her rights.  She married the poor boy, with the parents permission (gag), so that he couldn’t testify against her.  Read more here…

 

Videos of the week:

This week there are two videos, both emailed to me by Tim Price.

This first one is just funny.

The second one is a film trailer that Tim helped to make.  I thought some of you might have a laugh. Enjoy.


Lady or Not… Here I Come!

x,

Becca

The Judgmental Waiter

As many of you know, my waiters tend to fall in love with me. They jump at my every whim, bring me water all the time, and ask if they can take my order.  If you’re unfamiliar, you can read more about it here.

I mentioned having lunch with my hubby, earlier this week.   We went to a little wine bar in the downtown area of the suburb we live in.  The trendy restaurant was filled to capacity for lunch that day.  We sat down at the last available table and started chatting.

Blog Snobby waiter The Judgmental Waiter

I will not look at you, Madame.

Our usual waiter came to serve us.  He is madly in love with me, though I am pretty sure he is gay.  (What? Gay men can be in love with me too!)  I smiled as I usually do, and he turned away.  He looked at my hubby and said, “You should try this new wine.  Let me get you a sample.”  He hurried back with a tiny wine glass filled with a sample for my hubby to try.  He didn’t acknowledge me or even look in my direction. I smelled my arm pits to make sure that my missed shower hadn’t made itself known.

When the waiter returned, hubby took a sip and mumbled something about it being good and asked me if I wanted to try.  I took a sip and I said something about it and the waiter still didn’t look at me. I then picked up my knife to make sure my lipstick was applied properly on my teeth.  Then I adjusted my tiara, and decided I was practically perfect.

After we had placed our drink orders, we started talking about how odd his behavior was.  This man had waited on us many times before and never ignored me. He was always friendly and open and gave us free stuff. I have always assumed it is was because of my fame as the writer of this blog.  As the lunch progressed, it became more evident that my fame could not charm him.  I couldn’t figure it out.  Was it because I wasn’t drinking wine?  Was it because I am in my season of fat?  Was it because he was jealous that Prince Harry is in love with me?

Then finally it struck me.  This was one of my go-to places to bring friends.  I have been there with most of my friends, as a matter of fact.  This means that sometimes I have been there with (dun dun duuuuun) men.  He thought I was screwing around on my husband, when in fact, every time I had been there with guy friends.  He was jealous!  He had totally planned to turn straight for me, and I had crushed his dreams.

The last time I was there I went with Jason, that writes the Gentlemen or Not… Here I Stay post on Sundays.  I went with him, another guy friend, and a girlfriend.  I had forgotten that the four of us sat down to the table and the hostess had said our waiter would be with us in a minute.  At that point, she turned around to tell the usual waiter that we were there.   Moments later, she turned back around to us and said, “I guess I’m waiting on you.”  I remember it gave me pause, but then I forgot about it.

 The Judgmental Waiter

My wine glass brings all the boys to the yard.

My husband started laughing.  He said I am the wine bar hussy.  Ho’Becca is my name.   We then started running down things we could say when he was in earshot to screw with the waiter.  ”How many men did you sleep with this week?…” “The doctor says the STD testing came back negative, but they are pretty sure I have…” and let my voice trail off to a whisper.  Then say something like, “No, you ask him if he wants to join us!” while we point at him.

We did have a good laugh and tipped him well, as always.

x,

Becca

Lady or Not… Here I Come!

It’s Too Late Now! It Won’t Count.

If you’re a man, and lost your virginity, you know this phrase.  It translates to: No win situation. “It’s too late now.  It won’t count.” This is the phrase uttered by every female in existence.  I am sure even female dolphins say it, it is so ingrained in our DNA.

 Its  Too Late Now! It Wont Count.I will have been married for 13 years in April.  This, of course, means I don’t even have to say the phrase.  My husband knows that if I have to tell him I want him to do something… no win.  Last week I asked him why he hadn’t asked me out to lunch but asked guy friends out for lunch (I asked permission to write about this).  Sunday he walked up to me and said, “Lunch, Tuesday.”  When we had lunch yesterday, we had a good laugh about his verbalizing it in that way.

When you’re new to a relationship, it goes a little different.  Lady or Not… Here I Come! feels we should help relationship newbies, with the following conversation:

Her: Honey, Kelli got roses today from her boyfriend for her promotion.

Him: Cool. (continues watching ESPN)

Her: You know, the same promotion I got.

Him: Yeah, good job babe. (pats her on the shoulder without looking at her)

Her: That wasn’t my shoulder, that was my boob.

Him: (looks at her because she said “boob”)  Ohhh you want some of this?  Come here baby. (Grabs her boob and leans in for a kiss)

Her: What the hell?  Don’t you understand women at all?!

Him:  What did I do?

Her: Kelli got flowers and I didn’t.  You know how embarrassing that was?  Do you even love me?

Him: Flowers equals love?  I didn’t know.

Her: Whatever!  (storms off and slams bedroom door)

Him: (eyes lotion and tissues)

The next day he comes home from work with flowers.  He is proud of himself for remembering.

Him: Honey, look I got you flowers.

Her: It’s too late.  It doesn’t count.  Plus they are not at work.  No one sees them.

Him:  What the hell? I got you flowers.

Her: Too late!

The next day he shows up with flowers at her job.  He is proud again.  The receptionist is impressed. He knows this will make her happy.

Her: Hey hon, what ya doing here?

Him: I brought you flowers! (beams with pride)

Her:  Its  Too Late Now! It Wont Count.OMG are you trying to embarrass me?  There is no vase and it’s two days later! AND THE PRICE TAG FROM THE $9.99 BARREL AT THE GROCERY STORE IS STILL ON IT!

Him: (blushed red) Flowers are expensive and I got you these yesterday and you didn’t complain about the cost.

Her: Do you even know me?

Him: I am sorry, I tried.  Here, just take them.

Her:  Honey, I am not trying to be mean.  I can’t take them.  I have no where to put them.  They will just fall over in the styrofoam cup and spill water on my desk.

The next day rolls around.  He shows up with a new diamond ring.

Her: OMG I love you baby.  See, now you’ve learned.

Him: Yes, the moral of the story is your promotion means a lot more work for me and costs me more than your raise was worth.

Her: As long as I have bling.  ;)

celebrity pictures marilyn monroe diamonds whatever Its  Too Late Now! It Wont Count.

x,

Becca

Lady or Not… Here I Come!

*Lady or Not… Here I Come! does not condone or endorse bitchiness from women nor laziness from men. We do, however, endorse masturbation, aka Starbucking©.

 

Dear Girlfriends

Dear Girlfriends,

 Dear GirlfriendsWe are joined at the hip, even though yours are smaller than mine; I still adore ya. This means that although we will have our good times and our bad times, we will never light the fuses on each other’s tampons. That is what true friendship is about.

 Dear Girlfriends

Girlfriends like us are rare.  No one else has held hands with you while you peed because you were afraid you were pregnant. Of course, then later I pushed you into the toilet. Remember that time I put spinach in my teeth to be funny, because someone was trying to point out that you had it in your teeth?  It was even funnier when we told that Drama Queen (DQ) that we were really worried about her botched boob job.  We only told her because, bless her heart, we were concerned for her health.

227685 323784527739012 671907059 n Dear GirlfriendsThere is nothing like a real girlfriend that tells you that your ass does look big in the jeans before you buy them.  Later we laughed hysterically when DQ told us how expensive her outfit was– not cheap like ours. Of course, we told her she looked great!  We failed to mention she had her panties tucked into her skirt.  We now have the nickname “Dairy Queen” for her so she won’t know when we are talking about her.

 Dear GirlfriendsYou know that I love you like a pig loves bacon; I love you like a hemorrhoid, because you’re a part of me. I look forward to the day when we are old and our children have grown.  We will sit on the front porch drinking sweet tea and scratching our coochies.  If you fall out of your chair laughing, I will help you up. I might laugh at you first, but eventually I will… I promise.

 

x,

Becca

Lady or Not… Here I Come!

Gentleman or Not… Here I Stay #9: The Dating Chronicles
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In my guest posts here I’ve written several times about seeking out a Bro Date. I haven’t yet discussed dates with women, but I’ve had a few of those in my time.

twizzler bro Gentleman or Not... Here I Stay #9: The Dating Chronicles

Not the way to do it, bro.

My first date was in 7th grade– the same age I teach now. We saw Beetlejuice in the theater and used a Twizzler the same way Lady and the Tramp did a strand of spaghetti. That was as smooth as I could get back then– alright, it never got much better.

I had one more girlfriend in 8th grade and then bypassed dating through the rest of high school. When the same hot cheerleader wrote her number in my yearbook two years in a row, obviously that meant she wasn’t interested in me. That’s how much common sense I had about girls. My best friend and I were quite sexually mature at that age. He would grab girls’ butts in the Lazy River at White Water, then play it off when they looked back. I greatly admired his ballsiness. Once we had jobs and could drive, we dined at Hooters every chance we got.

It took graduating high school to get myself a real girlfriend. She was Vietnamese, short, and wore entirely too much makeup. Oh, and she was 17 Maury Povich 300x225 Gentleman or Not... Here I Stay #9: The Dating Chroniclesand had a baby of dubious origin– from what I eventually learned of her, she would’ve had to go on Maury Povich to figure out that baby’s daddy. But that wasn’t enough of a red light for me. I still took her on a high-class date to a local state park, where I found a secluded parking spot. There, under the shade of Georgia pines, I lost my virginity in the back of my dad’s 1988 Custom Cruiser station wagon. You might have a swagger wagon, but I had a shaggin’ wagon.

Oh, did I mention that she showed me some implants in her arm that meant we didn’t need protection? Yeah, why would I have thought twice about STD’s in the early 90s? Anyhow… ahh, to be 18 again, when you can go five times a day, even if they all add up to less than 10 minutes. When you try to find dark, remote places to park… or the parking lot of the Target where you work after closing… or a $39/night a hotel. Of course, we couldn’t actually spend the night there, as we both had to return to our respective parents’ houses. So, after showering off the bedbugs, it was always my duty to drive back to the hotel in the morning to return the key.

dying 300x298 Gentleman or Not... Here I Stay #9: The Dating ChroniclesIt was all fun and games until one night when a cop tapped on my window. Most people who joke about “being caught with their pants down” haven’t actually lived it. Later, she said she was dying of a brain tumor. Then she died in my arms. Or so she said– said death lasted about two seconds. Then she went to have outpatient brain surgery which magically cured it. They didn’t even have to cut her hair! Lasers, she said.

Suffice to say that relationship ended soon enough, as even someone as naïve as my 18-year-old self can only drink so much crazy sauce. Turns out she was an epitome of sanity and honesty compared to the girl I would first propose marriage to, but I’ll save that for the next installment.

banner manly Gentleman or Not... Here I Stay #9: The Dating Chronicles

Never let the truth get in the way of a good story… 

~Jason

Moist and Smooth

Today is Becca forgot to be funny Saturday.  This means, of course, I can’t be funny.  I usually take this day to tell you a little about my personal life.

So first you should know my real age.  Now here is the thing: I know I look great for my age, but I don’t want to make anyone feel bad. If they hear how old I am and then look at my photo, they won’t feel so good about themselves.  While we know they can’t possibly be as youthful-looking and beautiful as me, we want to save their feelings.  Ready? Okay I am… 72.

most Moist and SmoothShhhh, now make sure not to tell anyone. This is just between you and me.  My beauty secret is semen mixed into my moisturizer. Also, a daily martini.  These two tricks have led to a lifetime of beauty and people volunteering to be my friend, or at least my… bartender.

Speaking of that, I am puzzled as to why I have so many male friends.  It seems they keep me young.  They’re always telling me how sexy I am with lipstick on my teeth and messy hair.  Really, I am still trying to figure out the male to female ratios.  I guess I am a bit of a cougar, but they don’t know my age; what they don’t know doesn’t hurt them.

I do have plenty of girlfriends, but they are always asking me the secret to my youthfulness.  I tell them to lie about your age, but always go up, not down.  Then tell people you use semen in your moisturizer.

award Moist and Smooth

 

x,

Becca

Lady or Not… Here I Come!