If you’re a man, and lost your virginity, you know this phrase. It translates to: No win situation. “It’s too late now. It won’t count.” This is the phrase uttered by every female in existence. I am sure even female dolphins say it, it is so ingrained in our DNA.
I will have been married for 13 years in April. This, of course, means I don’t even have to say the phrase. My husband knows that if I have to tell him I want him to do something… no win. Last week I asked him why he hadn’t asked me out to lunch but asked guy friends out for lunch (I asked permission to write about this). Sunday he walked up to me and said, “Lunch, Tuesday.” When we had lunch yesterday, we had a good laugh about his verbalizing it in that way.
When you’re new to a relationship, it goes a little different. Lady or Not… Here I Come! feels we should help relationship newbies, with the following conversation:
Her: Honey, Kelli got roses today from her boyfriend for her promotion.
Him: Cool. (continues watching ESPN)
Her: You know, the same promotion I got.
Him: Yeah, good job babe. (pats her on the shoulder without looking at her)
Her: That wasn’t my shoulder, that was my boob.
Him: (looks at her because she said “boob”) Ohhh you want some of this? Come here baby. (Grabs her boob and leans in for a kiss)
Her: What the hell? Don’t you understand women at all?!
Him: What did I do?
Her: Kelli got flowers and I didn’t. You know how embarrassing that was? Do you even love me?
Him: Flowers equals love? I didn’t know.
Her: Whatever! (storms off and slams bedroom door)
Him: (eyes lotion and tissues)
The next day he comes home from work with flowers. He is proud of himself for remembering.
Him: Honey, look I got you flowers.
Her: It’s too late. It doesn’t count. Plus they are not at work. No one sees them.
Him: What the hell? I got you flowers.
Her: Too late!
The next day he shows up with flowers at her job. He is proud again. The receptionist is impressed. He knows this will make her happy.
Her: Hey hon, what ya doing here?
Him: I brought you flowers! (beams with pride)
Her: OMG are you trying to embarrass me? There is no vase and it’s two days later! AND THE PRICE TAG FROM THE $9.99 BARREL AT THE GROCERY STORE IS STILL ON IT!
Him: (blushed red) Flowers are expensive and I got you these yesterday and you didn’t complain about the cost.
Her: Do you even know me?
Him: I am sorry, I tried. Here, just take them.
Her: Honey, I am not trying to be mean. I can’t take them. I have no where to put them. They will just fall over in the styrofoam cup and spill water on my desk.
The next day rolls around. He shows up with a new diamond ring.
Her: OMG I love you baby. See, now you’ve learned.
Him: Yes, the moral of the story is your promotion means a lot more work for me and costs me more than your raise was worth.
Her: As long as I have bling. ;)
Lady or Not… Here I Come!
*Lady or Not… Here I Come! does not condone or endorse bitchiness from women nor laziness from men. We do, however, endorse masturbation, aka Starbucking©.