Gentleman or Not… Here I Stay #9: The Dating Chronicles
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In my guest posts here I’ve written several times about seeking out a Bro Date. I haven’t yet discussed dates with women, but I’ve had a few of those in my time.

twizzler bro Gentleman or Not... Here I Stay #9: The Dating Chronicles

Not the way to do it, bro.

My first date was in 7th grade– the same age I teach now. We saw Beetlejuice in the theater and used a Twizzler the same way Lady and the Tramp did a strand of spaghetti. That was as smooth as I could get back then– alright, it never got much better.

I had one more girlfriend in 8th grade and then bypassed dating through the rest of high school. When the same hot cheerleader wrote her number in my yearbook two years in a row, obviously that meant she wasn’t interested in me. That’s how much common sense I had about girls. My best friend and I were quite sexually mature at that age. He would grab girls’ butts in the Lazy River at White Water, then play it off when they looked back. I greatly admired his ballsiness. Once we had jobs and could drive, we dined at Hooters every chance we got.

It took graduating high school to get myself a real girlfriend. She was Vietnamese, short, and wore entirely too much makeup. Oh, and she was 17 Maury Povich 300x225 Gentleman or Not... Here I Stay #9: The Dating Chroniclesand had a baby of dubious origin– from what I eventually learned of her, she would’ve had to go on Maury Povich to figure out that baby’s daddy. But that wasn’t enough of a red light for me. I still took her on a high-class date to a local state park, where I found a secluded parking spot. There, under the shade of Georgia pines, I lost my virginity in the back of my dad’s 1988 Custom Cruiser station wagon. You might have a swagger wagon, but I had a shaggin’ wagon.

Oh, did I mention that she showed me some implants in her arm that meant we didn’t need protection? Yeah, why would I have thought twice about STD’s in the early 90s? Anyhow… ahh, to be 18 again, when you can go five times a day, even if they all add up to less than 10 minutes. When you try to find dark, remote places to park… or the parking lot of the Target where you work after closing… or a $39/night a hotel. Of course, we couldn’t actually spend the night there, as we both had to return to our respective parents’ houses. So, after showering off the bedbugs, it was always my duty to drive back to the hotel in the morning to return the key.

dying 300x298 Gentleman or Not... Here I Stay #9: The Dating ChroniclesIt was all fun and games until one night when a cop tapped on my window. Most people who joke about “being caught with their pants down” haven’t actually lived it. Later, she said she was dying of a brain tumor. Then she died in my arms. Or so she said– said death lasted about two seconds. Then she went to have outpatient brain surgery which magically cured it. They didn’t even have to cut her hair! Lasers, she said.

Suffice to say that relationship ended soon enough, as even someone as naïve as my 18-year-old self can only drink so much crazy sauce. Turns out she was an epitome of sanity and honesty compared to the girl I would first propose marriage to, but I’ll save that for the next installment.

banner manly Gentleman or Not... Here I Stay #9: The Dating Chronicles

Never let the truth get in the way of a good story… 

~Jason

Moist and Smooth

Today is Becca forgot to be funny Saturday.  This means, of course, I can’t be funny.  I usually take this day to tell you a little about my personal life.

So first you should know my real age.  Now here is the thing: I know I look great for my age, but I don’t want to make anyone feel bad. If they hear how old I am and then look at my photo, they won’t feel so good about themselves.  While we know they can’t possibly be as youthful-looking and beautiful as me, we want to save their feelings.  Ready? Okay I am… 72.

most Moist and SmoothShhhh, now make sure not to tell anyone. This is just between you and me.  My beauty secret is semen mixed into my moisturizer. Also, a daily martini.  These two tricks have led to a lifetime of beauty and people volunteering to be my friend, or at least my… bartender.

Speaking of that, I am puzzled as to why I have so many male friends.  It seems they keep me young.  They’re always telling me how sexy I am with lipstick on my teeth and messy hair.  Really, I am still trying to figure out the male to female ratios.  I guess I am a bit of a cougar, but they don’t know my age; what they don’t know doesn’t hurt them.

I do have plenty of girlfriends, but they are always asking me the secret to my youthfulness.  I tell them to lie about your age, but always go up, not down.  Then tell people you use semen in your moisturizer.

award Moist and Smooth

 

x,

Becca

Lady or Not… Here I Come!

WTF Friday #23

Real Products:

 WTF Friday #23Ever get tired of taking care of your toddler so you let your ipad babysit them?  Then the day comes when you have to choose between allowing them to use the ipad or learning to use the potty? In the past, parents just tied their kids to the potty, but there is no need for that anymore with the new iPotty. The kicker… the potty has a splash gaurd to save your truly valuable ipad. You can get this for the convenient price of $39.99 (source)

colin furze worlds fastest carriage thumb 550xauto 109743 WTF Friday #23Ever been on a stroll with your baby and wondered if you could go faster?  Then you run with your baby, but that still isn’t fast enough.  You are probably wishing the stroller could go over 50 mph. Your wish has come true. Collin Fruze built the “Mad Max Stroller” that goes up to 53 mph. He said it only took $750 dollars to build.  I know that is faster than some bicycles. (source)

convertible sosia sofa seat 6 WTF Friday #23I found this sofa and now think I have a lazy couch.  I swear mine does nothing. It sits there and looks the same all the time.  An Italian company called Campeggi srl makes this sofa and it speaks for itself. The prices are only available by request. I didn’t request.

In the News:

 WTF Friday #23

Can’t breathe…can’t….b..

Ever get annoyed with your significant other and couldn’t decide the right way to get rid of them? Then you think, hmmm what is a creative way to kill them?  I know I want to use one of my sexual parts.  It is pretty hard to use genitals but how about… MY BOOBS! THAT’S IT! And then you try to smother them with your boobs.  If you haven’t done this, then you can live vicariously though Donna Lange who is accused of trying to smother her boyfriend and kill him through mammary attack.  Read more here…

 WTF Friday #23Ever wonder if porn is really addictive?  According to Gina, the chimp, it is.  She was given a chance to watch several channels and she choose to watch porn.   Why?  Who the heck knows?  I saw an article about a porn-addicted chimp and I ran with it. That little beyotch is a ho. Read more here…

 

Video of the Week:

 

x,

Becca

Lady or Not… Here I Come!

Death by Neti-pot

This is cold, flu, and allergy season (Groan, Becca is actually talking about this crap).  No one likes to deal with the ugly, snotty mess of people that comes with this time of year.  Everyone acts as though their lack of health is new, and they could possibly be dying.

I have a friend that is currently in the throes of sinus issues.  There is nothing more fun than hearing the snorting and heavy breathing that comes with a cold. At first, I thought he was coming on to me.  I said, “Back off bucco, I am flattered but spoken for.” Then he told me that he couldn’t breathe, and to give him a break. We all know he was just using it as an excuse to heavy breathe into the phone.

 Death by Neti pot

Sexy and I know it!

He had called because he wanted to know how to use the Neti-pot.  I am a huge proponent of the device.  It is a genie bottle that you fill with saline to wash out the nasty Gremlins that have made so many boogers they are backlogged.

I told him I was concerned about him using it, and he laughed.  I told him the reason I had not suggested it was… well I was afraid he would die.

Him: What?!

Me: Well… You’re a bit clumsy.

Him: What does that have to do with the Neti-pot?

Me: (whispers) I’m afraid you’re going to drown.

Him: What the hell?!

Me: You can’t walk and chew gum. How the heck are you going to pour water into your sinus cavities without breathing in? I have a vision of you pouring the solution into your nose and dying because you take it into your lungs. Then I would feel responsible at your funeral. Everyone would be pointing at me and blaming me.  They would think that I should have known better.

will Death by Neti potHim: They might thank you.

Me: Of course they would.  Especially those listed in your will.

Him:  Wait.  Didn’t you tell me your hypothetical spawn have been using a Neti-pot since the age of three?

Me: Yes, but they are different than you.  I tell them not to breathe through their nose and they don’t.  You, on the other hand, like to make points and end up hurting yourself.

Him: That isn’t fair.  I only do that with my ex-wife, and mom, and boss… oh, you might have a point.

Me: Tell you what, say your goodbyes.  Make sure to list your never professed undying love, and where you stashed your family treasures. Then I will allow you to use the device.

Him: Okay, okay.  My family treasures are hidden in my love for you.  Now how the hell do I use this thing?

Me: You bend over and have a friend pour it into your bum.

Him: (Sigh) I am never going to get a straight answer am I?

Me: Umm… Hi, I am Becca.  It is a pleasure to meet you.

Him: Okay, let me consult YouTube.

So let this be a lesson to you: I won’t help you unless I know that I get something when you die.

 

x,

Becca

Lady or Not… Here I Come!

 

LoN Advice for Writing

I am often asked where my blogging ideas come from. They come from my head, genius!  Really though, I have a knack for writing.  I am practically perfect at it.  So, I know you want to know my secret to having a successful writing life.

LoN Advice for Writing:

  • funny facebook stolen crops1 LoN Advice for Writing

    SAY IT AIN’T SO, JOE!

    Be Productive –The key to writing is to find a productivity training ground. I suggest going to Facebook and wasting hours playing games such as Farmville, Bingo, Bejeweled, and one of the bubble popping games.  These time sucking games are wonderful for teaching you productivity.

  • Involve Friends — Another key component is, asking your friends for help. I ask Rod, Jason, and Hubby to help me with content and editing.  Often we get on webcam to be able to have the correct understanding of one another.  They are so supportive: they spend hours of time talking to me about life, dreams, girls, and their strange affinity for ugly sweaters.
  •  LoN Advice for WritingAlways be Truthful — It is paramount that you always tell the truth to your readers.  Never lie, or your audience learns not to trust you.  Sometimes this doesn’t work well with the story you’re posting about.  This is why it is important to make your lies true in your head… which leads to the next point.
  • Mental awareness — It is important that you become aware of the fact that you are insane.  It is okay; embrace the fact and use it to better yourself.  For example, if people want to read about Prince Harry, convince yourself and your audience that he is obsessed with you.
  •  LoN Advice for Writing

    It really sucks being bad at this writing thing!

    Be aware of your environment – It has been said that the author Stephen King goes off to write in hotels or cabins for months at a time.  This seclusion helps him sit down to write without distraction   We all know what a hack the man is.  No one respects his writing, so do the opposite.  Find a place with as much noise and distraction as possible.  Teach the kids to make you your alcoholic beverage of choice and just write down everything you hear around you. If you do this, you will be able to write better than him… better yet, you will be able to write better than E L James.  This is the only way you can top her genius.

  • Be prepared — Nothing is worse than being on a roll in your writing, when suddenly your humanity hits.  You have to go to the dreaded room of doom; the bathroom. Instead, wear a diaper.  This works best in combo with a beverage hat and a fanny pack full of m&ms.

winners LoN Advice for WritingOf course, this isn’t all the advice I have for you on writing, but this is a starting point. I hope you take this advice seriously, because it might be the difference between success and failure   I only interact with winners.

x,

Becca

Lady or Not… Here I Come!

Becca-ism #15123

If your boss is a bitch, and your mother-in-law is a bitch, and your sister is a bitch, and your best friend is a bitch… maybe they aren’t. Just look at the common denominator.  Maybe it isn’t them.  Why don’t you try to crack a smile and see if ya like it?  Bless your heart, frowning like that all the time is giving you frown lines.  Smiling is cheaper than Botox.

*actually something I have said aloud to more than one person.

celebrity pictures jack nicholson botox smile Becca ism #15123

x,

Becca

Lady or Not… Here I Come!

Dear Deer Readers

Dear Deer Reader,

Yesterday, I was listening to the following sound clip on Doggystyle’s blog. For those of you that can’t listen, which is a shame because it is greatness, it is a call into a radio station from a woman named Donna.  She is very concerned about the deer population crossing the street.  She is trying to raise awareness in the community so they will move the deer crossing signs to safer places for the deer to cross.  She suggested maybe asking the deer to cross in school zones.

I think she has a point.  We do need to change the crossing signs so that they are not near the highway.  I suggest maybe we move them to the middle of the woods, or maybe even to Middle Earth. Personally, I don’t know why deer hunters didn’t think of this years ago.

animials Dear Deer ReadersWe, the citizens of the world, need to take heed of this real life issue.  It is no laughing matter.  Then I started thinking there is a plethora of animals that are crossing in the wrong places. Those pesky armadillos are always in my way.  Those squirrels are beyotches.

We need to take a stand. Every comment on this blog is a signature on the petition.  This petition’s goal: to entice the deer to cross at crosswalks that are also for humans.

302816 384572424964379 2022880815 n Dear Deer Readers

 

x,

Becca

Lady or Not…Here I Come!

Gentleman or Not… Here I Stay #8: In the Middle
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Y’all just don’t know what pressure it is to contribute to the comic genius that is Lady or Not… Here I Come, even only once a week. Problem is, the longer a leash Becca gives me, the more time I spend tracking down every available fire hydrant to lift my leg on rather than writing. Today, she wanted to back off, give me the whole day, no pressure, maintain the utmost confidence in me. funnyquote30 Gentleman or Not... Here I Stay #8: In the MiddleThe result was, of course, that it’s now well past midnight in Beccaland, and she is staring at me on webcam while I struggle to come up with something decently funny. This is already Attempt #2 tonight. Y’all just don’t know what it takes ’round here.

To paraphrase Forrest Gump, funny is as funny does… and I have to find my funny in everyday life, and that means the people I spend my days with. However, the people I spend my day with have an average age of 13. Then again, some days when I walk into the teachers’ lounge, the maturity level is lower than in my classroom.

Anytime I’m asked what I do and respond that I’m a teacher, the next question is, what do you teach? And when I say “middle school,” the blood drains out of the asker’s face. The next word is then “wow,” or “I’m sorry,” and then they start to go into exhaustive detail about what a bundle of hormones, zits, and immaturity they were in middle school, to which I smile and nod. Just imagine the joy of being a male middle school teacher who one moment is wiping blood img wVGyo0 Gentleman or Not... Here I Stay #8: In the Middleoff my desk from a boy losing his baby tooth but the next minute has to help a young lady experiencing a different kind of bleeding problem. (That’s why I keep  a box of pads in my desk drawer, right next to the flask. KIDDING people. I’d never drink less than 200 feet from campus. Although I’ve been tempted to spike my coffee on nonstudent days filled with staff meetings).

I survive by letting out my inner 13-year-old. I find myself skipping with my students in  the hall, and then they (and by extension, me) get yelled at for it. However, since we experience as much, if not more, collective stress as the average office, we do the same as any workplace– circulate funny videos through email. Friday’s staff video of choice was about “Dance Walking.”  It wasn’t okay for my class to skip, but now everyone wants to jump on the bandwagon of leading the students in Dance Walking, which is a whole other level beyond simple skipping.


I think the reason people feel sorry for middle school teachers is, secretly, that they realize they’ve never grown past middle school mentality. Kids grow into adults, but the drama, the cliques, and the angst live on. At 37, I’m no PS 0049W CLEVERLY RK Gentleman or Not... Here I Stay #8: In the Middleexception. I whine when an assignment is too hard. I’ll say you didn’t give me enough time… and still do it all at literally the last minute. I’ll complain, “Why can’t I just write whatever I want to write?” I want to give a C- effort with a nagging blog owner teacher who doesn’t accept less than the best. I pine away for the popular girl and write either sappy love poems or

My heart is stone
Darkness swallows me whole
All I am is alone
Bury me in this deep dark hole.

I want to impress the older kids who I think are smarter and cooler than me, vintage honey badger dont care brown mug p168794798641749213en84e 325 Gentleman or Not... Here I Stay #8: In the Middleand be the role model of coolness for the younger ones. I’ve been known to pass notes in staff meetings and snicker all day at catch phrases from viral videos. I even made myself a Honey Badger cup and start humming “Thrift Shop” in the middle of class.

So, to all those who pity me for teaching middle school, I say, I’ve got the jump on all of you. I willingly embrace that inner tweenager everyone else tries to repress. Try it out sometime icon smile Gentleman or Not... Here I Stay #8: In the Middle

banner manly Gentleman or Not... Here I Stay #8: In the Middle

Snootchie bootchies!

~Jason

Thank You, Thank You Very Much

Thank you Thank You, Thank You Very MuchAfter the holidays comes the thank you’s.  I grew up writing thank you notes. It was just my mom, my sister, my pseudo aunt, and me.  My mom had a step-mom and a step-aunt that we would see once a year.  They would always send gifts for Christmas. Mom would have us sit down and write our notes.  A few weeks later, the notes came back with corrections on them.

This, of course, did not endear me to thank you notes.  I learned very quickly to write with large script to fill up the thank you note.  I said as little as possible so they would not be criticized.  Best gift ever?  A bong from an elderly aunt with plastic poinsettias hot-glued to it. She was a prude, so I don’t think she realized that is what she gave me.  I am guessing she re-gifted, from a white elephant, and glued the plastic flowers to it (she has been known to re-gift used gift cards).

wtf Thank You, Thank You Very Much

I learned, after my wedding, that Ms. Manners says that you don’t have to give thank you notes if you gave a verbal thank you and/or they saw you open it.  Yay!  So, this meant only shipped gifts.  After the nuptials, our agreement was that he sent to his side, and I sent to mine.  This made life easier as my side of the family exploded when the birth family joined the picture.  I have seven siblings (two half), my birth mom (who is wonderfully generous), 10 nieces and nephews, and two great nieces. My husband’s family is just as large, so it doesn’t make sense for me to be responsible for it all.

But the thing about being born with a vagina is, you are.  No matter how you cut it, when you have the birthing hips you are responsible for gifts and thank you notes.  I am the person that receives the inquiries. I feel so bad if there is no notice of gift giving.  I even check up about it: “Did you let them know you received the gifts?”  “Oh… I forgot.” Don’t misunderstand me, I am very grateful for every gift we receive; I shouldn’t be in charge of 100 thank you’s.

Apparently, only vaginas can send thanks.  Women only ask women if the gift was received. This includes if the gift was received by spawn that is six times removed from the closest vagina in the family.   I would totally get it if the spawn had just exited my vagina a few moments before.  As they were attached to my breast, I could write thank you notes for the beautiful booties sewn from the foreskins of our ancestors. Other than that, I don’t get it.

So what is the answer?  How do women and men coexistent with thank you notes hovering? I believe US mail, Fed-ex, and UPS should send them for us. Then we don’t have the guilt; otherwise it is my vagina’s fault, and that sucks…

award Thank You, Thank You Very Much

 

x,

Becca,

Lady or Not… Here I Come!

WTF Friday #22

Real Products:

carpet alarm2 WTF Friday #22Are you the type that sets your alarm but then turns it off?  You fall back to sleep and you’re late for work. OH NO!  There is now an alarm clock for you. This mat alarm makes you stand up on it to turn it off.

 

 

sandwich holder WTF Friday #22Ever feel so lazy that holding your sandwich is too much work? I know. Me too!  It is so much work, and sandwiches are soooo heavy. Or worse yet, you could be a one-armed paint scraper who is working through lunch!

All I know is I must have one of these.  I never want to touch a sandwich with my bare hands again!

 

 

51CcLx eeBL. SL500 AA300  WTF Friday #22Ever worry about pesky bugs climbing in your ears while you sleep?  If you haven’t before you will now!  So go out and buy these handy dandy ear covers so roaches won’t lay eggs in your ears.  Or maybe you want them too.  Who am I to assume?

 

 

In the news:

 WTF Friday #22Two brat teens decided to drug their parents to use their wireless internet.  Apparently they didn’t allow usage of it after 10pm.  The young lady and her friend decided to put some sleeping pills into their milkshakes to get away with surfing the net.  The brats were lucky they didn’t overdose the adults.  (source)

 WTF Friday #22I know it is really shocking to you all but Lindsay Lohan is in the news again.  Apparently, according to one of the writers on a movie she is working on (Rodrick), she got in to her car and drove off inebriated. “Rodrick says Lohan showed up to the director’s hotel room, pounded on the door while hysterically crying and begging for her job back.”  TMZ continues the story, “Rodrick says Lohan stayed in the hallway sobbing for 90 minutes before finally leaving.  Eventually, she was hired back to the production — and things got worse … with Lohan constantly criticizing producers and her co-stars. ” (source)

Video of the week:

x,

Becca
Lady or Not… Here I Come!