Hacking It Up

 Hacking It UpThis week I received an email from a friend and I was dumb enough to click the link. I thought it was a link to pictures to an event we both attended.  The second I clicked it I thought… nooooooooooo! I was immediately locked out of my personal email for 2 days. The main problem was my internet condom broke. (thanks Norton)  I now had a virtual STD.

The internet is full of spammers and scammers all looking to get me.  I know it’s because I am so awesome.  They just want the opportunity to be me for a day.  Who doesn’t want to be a practically perfect BBEU award winner with a rack like mine?

virus protection virus protection flash drive condom funny c demotivational poster 1258894778 Hacking It UpThese spammers like me so much that they wanted to make friends with my friends.   Some would call this behavior “stalking”, I call it being a great fan.  I bet these spammers saw that I had clicked the link and thought, wow that is the one and only Becca of Ladyornot.com!  It’s a crying shame that they don’t know me in the way y’all know me.  Even on this blog, I clear out a crap load of spam comments a day. This virtual herpes has got to stop!

So, I have a short message for spammers:

Dear Spammers,

 Hacking It Up

x,

Becca

Lady or Not… Here I Come!

Lady or Not… Here I Come’s Tips for Being Interviewed

As most of you know, my husband was laid off the week after Thanksgiving.  This, of course, means it is interview time.  I know everyone loves interviews, but for some strange reason, he doesn’t like them. I can’t figure it out.  Who doesn’t want to be scrutinized and questioned?  This post is dedicated to him.

Lady or Not… Here I Come‘s tips for being interviewed:

  • Be late – This tip is imperative to the entire interview process.  If you show up early or on time, it tells your future boss that you have no other job prospects.  Stumble in late and say something about the plethora of offers you have waiting for you.
  •  Lady or Not... Here I Comes Tips for Being Interviewed

    I think his pinky was bigger!

    Stand out – Make sure to be noticed in the reception area.  I suggest making a cell phone call that talks about the guy you slept with last night.  Complain about his really small dick.  Employers love this.  This means you expect the best and so you will give your best.

  • Dress in clothes from your last night out - Nothing says loser more than showing up in crisp, clean church clothes.  Everyone wants to work with the fun guy.  It might be good to have a bit of lipstick on your collar.  Splash a little whisky behind your ears and take a shot before leaving the house.  You want them to know that you will get s*&t faced drunk on any company trips.
  •  Lady or Not... Here I Comes Tips for Being InterviewedCompliment the person giving the interview - If you are a man, be sure to tell the woman what a great rack she has.  Wink and then tell her that you’re looking for an opportunity to motorboat them.  If you are a woman, tell the man you would love to take him right there on the table.  If he is married, tell him his wife can watch.  If you are the same gender as the person giving the interview, make sure to let him/her know you find him/her attractive and that you are willing to try swinging both ways.
  • Make a personal connection - Interviewers want to know that you are going to be open and honest.  This means sometimes talking about things that make you feel uncomfortable.  You should tell them about your morning dump or your latest yeast infection.  These topics of conversation will insure your spot on their team.
  •  Lady or Not... Here I Comes Tips for Being InterviewedReveal your growth - We all have had times in our careers when we were not at our best. Make sure to reveal all of your past mistakes.  Let’s say you stole money from the cash drawer while working though high school: tell him what you spent it on.  Weed and/or beer is the best way to have spent it.  If it was weed, tell him that you can introduce him to your dealer.  If you were tempted to embezzle money, share your secrets.  Your future boss wants to know the secrets to your financial success.
  • Ask for what you want -  When she asks you about how much you’re looking to be paid, be sure to list a figure about two times what you made doing that job the last time.  Employers think of your salary as a gamble.  They want to haggle.  Better yet, ask for millions of dollars.  That is the only way they will take you seriously.
  • Share your goals – When she asks you your career goals, tell her you plan to be her boss.  Tell her that you are ambitious and will only be satisfied when she reports to you.  Then grab your crotch and say that a man needs to be in charge.
  •  Lady or Not... Here I Comes Tips for Being InterviewedEnd on a high note – When exiting the interview, scoff at the drug testing.  Tell him that when you’re in charge, you won’t have mandatory drug testing. Instead of health insurance you will hand out medicinal marijuana to every employee.  Explain that is how you have stayed healthy.  Then give him a firm handshake and grab his ass.

These tips are just a few I have to offer.  They are powerful and will land you the job.  Use them wisely.

x,

Becca

Lady or Not… Here I Come!

Dating Disasters

36erbh Dating DisastersThe spring of my 19th year was interesting to say the least.  I was going to meet my future husband that summer, but I had no idea.  I would go out with friends and meet all types of people.  I enjoyed the fact that I was a woman, and that meant power.  I would date and dump as quickly as I started.  I was THAT GIRL who wouldn’t return phone calls (hangs head in shame). There is a whole host of stories I can tell you about that time, but today we are going to talk about my worst date ever.

I was 19 and went out with a guy that was older than me.  Being the typical gal, I always liked to date older, because I was too mature for guys my age.  One night I met (lets call him Kevin).  Kevin told me he was attracted to me.  He asked for my number.  I gave it to him, though to this day I don’t know why. I wasn’t attracted to him in any way.  He was sweet though.  He set up a date and said he would plan it.  That is when the adventure started.

When he arrived, the first words out of his mouth were about his new car.  Apparently he had just bought a new Chevy Cavalier.  Kevin informed me it was better than mine, because it was the newer body style.  Then we walked to the car.  I have always expected my dates to be gentlemen, so I waited to see if he would open my door.  No.  I thought to myself: It’s okay.  He was a nice guy the other day. A door doesn’t define him. 

Kevin drove, showing off his car, until we pulled up to Arby’s.  I hesitated, because no man had ever taken me to a fast food restaurant for dinner.  I went ahead and followed him in.  He walked up to the counter and ordered two Arby’s sandwiches, two orders of curly fries, and the biggest Coke they had.  I was puzzled, but assumed he was trying to show off by ordering for me.  He pulled out his wallet to pay and then turned to me and said, “Oh, did you want something?”  I was mad at this point.  I had always been treated like a lady. I was young enough that I didn’t say anything.  If it were me now, I would have totally called a cab. I just said, “No thank you” and sat down.

 Dating Disasters

It’s all for me!

My internal dialogue was going haywire.  Well, you will show him.  He will never ever get a second date with you. Well… you know very well that he wouldn’t have. It doesn’t matter, he doesn’t know that. You’re a lady and he is not treating you as such.  I looked up and saw that he had Arby’s sauce dripping down both arms.  I pushed the napkins toward him and he stuck his tongue out and licked his arms.  I threw-up in my mouth a little. Did I mention he was about 100 lbs soaking wet?

I said something about needing to get home, and he said he had a movie planned for the date.  I said I wasn’t sure I had time.  He said we did if we rushed and shoved the entire half of the second sandwich in his mouth and ran to the car. I followed reluctantly and we drove to the theater.  We got out of the car and he ran in front of me.  The only possible reason to try to get in front of me for the movie tickets would be to pay, right? No.  He just wanted to be first.  He got a ticket to George of the Jungle.  I wasn’t interested in seeing it, but at the point, I gave up. I just got my ticket and went in.

 Dating Disasters

I don’t know why I am single

He pointed to the video games and suggested we go play until the movie started.  I told him I didn’t want to play.  He ran over to play by himself. I sat on the bench far away.  I heard my name and looked up.  He was calling me.  He begged me to come play.  Told me it was a two player game.  Had stacks and stacks of quarters lined up.  I told him no thank you.  He asked me again.  He said it was part of the date.  I gave in, reluctantly, and walked up to the game.  I held out my hand for a quarter.  He said, “Put your quarter in.” I informed him that I didn’t have any quarters.  He sighed loudly and said, “Well you can use one of mine and pay me back later.”  To which I replied, “No. You can take me home.”

He drove me home talking incessantly while I said nothing.  You see, had he known I wasn’t going to stay for the movie, he would have taken me home earlier.  When we pulled into the driveway, I jumped out as quickly as possible and raced toward the door.  Much to my chagrin, he followed in hot pursuit   He put his arm around me and said, “Why the hurry?”  Then leaned in for a kiss. I told him I respected myself more than that.  He said he understood and when could we schedule our next date.  I said, “Yeah… never.” And went inside.

My date later that night was much more generous.  ;)

x,

Becca

Lady or Not… Here I Come!

 

Burn Baby Burn

The Lady or Not news team has discovered that there has been a rash of ugly sweaters invading the United States.  We fear that the sweaters are targeting newly single men between the ages of 35 and 50.  It is sad, but true.  I am unsure if it’s that their ex-wives stole all their decent clothing, or cast some sort of magic spell with settings to hideous.

Now first is Rod, sweet Rod.  His bicycle built for two rejected him because of his sweater status.   I told him that when a shirt/sweater fits properly, the seams should touch your shoulders.  His defense was that his soon to be ex-wife’s dead uncle gave it to him.  He liked it.  Let me give you a little taste of the sweater:

rattysweater1 zps29efb1fc Burn Baby Burn

I got you babe

Notice the beautiful doo doo brown color. The shedding threads only make the sweater more appealing to the ladies.  He is walking down the road, and the women swoon when they see him in this sweater. He is only allowed to wear it when he has smelling salts in his pocket.  I’ll let you in on a little secret ladies: pull on the string and the whole thing unravels.  Then you can see his pasty washboard abs.  And by washboard, I mean boney. icon wink Burn Baby Burn

Jason was here this weekend.  He came out in a sweater that I am sure he purchased at a thrift shop.  I told him 1980 called and wanted its sweater back.  He said that it was his favorite sweater and that I didn’t know what I was talking about.  When I posted the picture of he and the sock monkey, I felt vindicated because Stephanie (click her blog here) asked him if Bill Cosby knew he had his sweater.  I love that gal, great minds… Then it dawned on me, that is why his favorite song is Thrift Shop.

When I took him out to lunch to meet a girlfriend of mine, he wore that sweater. She later told me he was really nice, but I needed to get him to burn the sweater. He laughed and said, “I like it.  Yes the sweater is bad, but I am hot enough to pull it off.” So without further ado:

8357050966 b0c31e4de4 Burn Baby Burn

I’m too sexy for my sweater

 

So I beg of you my dear readers… I implore you… to please ask these well meaning but fashion-challenged men to burn these hideous monstrosities.  Thanks.

x,

Becca

Lady or Not… Here I Come!

 

 

Gentleman or Not… Here I Stay! #7: Becca the Bad Hostess
avatar

So, I spent Christmas back home in Georgia with my family and then flew to Texas to spend the week of New Year’s with Becca and her (hypothetical) family. Becca is staring at me on webcam and says I can’t write about anything that she already has or wants to on here, so I guess I’ll just talk about what a terrible hostess she is. Really, it’s a good thing that hypothetical family has her back or else Social Services would be stepping in on behalf of her neglected house guests.

First of all, the place was a pig sty. Obviously Becca did not wake up by 10 am  Gentleman or Not... Here I Stay! #7: Becca the Bad Hostessthe last time the cleaning ladies tried to come in. The place was littered everywhere with gifts for me. Also there was a coffeemaker out with a new bag of coffee, even though no one else there but me drinks coffee. This was a profound disappointment because I was really expecting that new Keurig be set up for just me. To make matters worse, I was practically starving to death because even though she went to great effort to make full fried chicken and turkey dinners my first two nights there, she inexplicably failed to make dessert.

To add insult to injury, Becca refused to indulge my introverted homebody tendencies by dragging me out almost every night and forcing me to have fun. In fact, despite her own rule that “there will be no fun in this house!” there constantly is which shows you the great lack of discipline there. She made me dance on New Year’s Eve and listen to live music while drinking in the bars on 2012 09 09+21.17.36 Gentleman or Not... Here I Stay! #7: Becca the Bad HostessSixth Street in downtown Austin. She compelled me to accompany her family to a restaurant on a clifftop with a stunning view of sunset over a sprawling lake and to see The Hobbit as well and furthermore wrecked my fragile male ego by insisting they pay for everything.

You just obviously cannot trust this woman, especially if she tells you there are no laughs or fun to be had. So beware if you should ever find yourself made a “guest” in her beautiful home. She may just force you to relax in a recliner while watching a 100″ TV and some of us just aren’t built to be coddled like that.

banner manly Gentleman or Not... Here I Stay! #7: Becca the Bad Hostess

Snootchie bootchies!

~Jason

 

 

WTF Friday #21

Real Products:

freedom flask liquor bladder 4309 WTF Friday #21Ever want to sneak alcohol into a game, concert, or movie?  Now you can, in your pants.  This new product makes the wine bra look like it is for pansies. Personally, I find nothing hotter on a man than him pouring booze out like he is peeing. You can own this item for $24.95.  (source) 

 

pow3lj7r401b30k WTF Friday #21If you’re one of the few people who like to use a fork while eating pizza, this is the product for you.  You can eat and cut your pizza with this invention. Who wouldn’t find this super easy to use? (source)

In the News:

130102 Gary Robert Haines 945a.380;380;7;70;0 WTF Friday #21

Man… I thought the plane was following me because I am so hot!

Ever try to see your house while flying on an airplane? Well recently a pilot was flying a plane over his home and he spotted a truck in his driveway. He hovered over his home and watched the guy try to break in. When the thief left he followed him in the air while calling the police. (Source)

 

 

Video of the week:

Sort It Out

Is there anything in the world less fun than sorting socks?  Well sure there is, but for today’s blogging purpose, there isn’t?

When I was a little girl my sister and had to do the laundry and we would sit there forever trying to sort whose of the four girls was whose. I would just pretend to be sorting and let my sisters do it and then take the leftovers and put them loose into my drawers.

may 2012 01410 Sort It Out

Not my family

Then, I grew up and finagled to get my husband to do the laundry.  So still, no sorting socks.  We have a system.  Buy all the socks in the house exactly the same brand and type.  Then put a tiny basket between the washer and dryer and dump all the socks in it.  Then make the hypothetical kids go laundry basket diving every day.  Of course, they are welcome to sort socks if they dislike this method of laundry.  This does lead to a lot of missing mom and dad socks, but it is pretty cute to see my eight-year-old trying to put his shoes on with giant socks on.  They both wear the same size socks as me.

734764 459975630716836 1642715997 n Sort It Out

Really, I think sock-sorting is a metaphor for the way I live my life. Reach your hand in and take what ya get.  Embrace them, don’t keep searching for the right match. I challenge you to have a socky adventure. Today, I am going introduce you to Ms. Socksy.  I tried to get her picture but she wouldn’t quit humping Jason’s neck.

8341707979 5ca6fa5162 Sort It Out

 

x,

Becca

Lady or Not… Here I Come!

Don’t Read This Post, You Don’t Care

Today I write this post from my breakfast room table while sitting next to Jason.  He and I, coincidentally, are wearing matching t-shirts.  Well, mine has the logo written across my boobs in sparkles, his doesn’t.  I think he is a little jealous. I have no idea what to write about, so I will write about him being here to visit.

First, he got in Friday afternoon with a HUGE bag.  I swear, he packed like a girl.  The bag was heavy, plus he had his computer bag.  I brought him back to the house, where my little man (who has a man crush on him) proceeded to say, “Where are my presents and when are you going to open yours?”  Jason stared off into space while I told my kid it was rude. Then we showed him around the house.  His bag was so heavy he had a difficult time getting it up the stairs.

8336838890 f90efd16ca h Dont Read This Post, You Dont CareHe came downstairs and made friends with the doggies.  My evil dog, Bella, fell madly in love with him and I think proposed marriage.  For her honor, I challenged him to a duel of arm wrestlin’ where he hardly beat me.  I think he cheated but that is a story for another day.   I did tell him he would have to sleep outside and not get to visit if he didn’t relinquish the betrothal.  He stared off into space and then gave in to my demands.

Later, I force fed him gruel and slop.  He complained the entire time because he is a super picky eater.  I swear, never invite the guy to your house.  He demanded a Christmas stocking full of stuff and presents: shoes, three shirts, jeans, and a dog toy. Then he insisted that I hand out gifts for us.  He was so rude by giving me a freaking crap load of gifts: Coke Santa Dont Read This Post, You Dont CareA shirt, a collectors edition of one of my favorite books, a cup, a daily journal, the family a collectors soda, my hypothetical son his special baseball cards from childhood, and my hypothetical daughter an MP3 player.  I thought it was very rude that he didn’t get me any diamonds.  Plus he didn’t buy my husband that Porsche he wanted. You would think with the all the big bucks in taxes I pay for teachers, he would at least try to be generous.

More stories to come!

 

x,

Becca

Lady or Not… Here I Come!

Lady or Not… Here I Come’s Rules for Resolutions

LadyorNot.com feels obligated to give you advice for setting your resolutions for 2013.  While we strongly advise you to take this advice, we will not force our will on you.

 

Lady or Not… Here I Come’s Rules for Resolutions:

1.  Don’t set resolutions.

15017738 cute card on new year 2013 with funny numbers Lady or Not... Here I Comes Rules for Resolutions

 

Happy New Year,

Becca

Lady or Not… Here I Come!

Dear Jeremy

dear jeremy Dear Jeremy

 

Dear Jeremy,
I needed to go shopping so I asked my crush to give me a ride. I was so nervous that when he asked me where I was I spurted out the first thing I saw, which came out like “I’m at the Super Lube”. I was so embarrassed I hung up the phone and called a cab. How do I make things right? ~ Not Too Slick

 

Dear Slick,

You have an incredible opportunity here that you shouldn’t pass up. Do this right and you will know for sure whether your crush likes you. Since you were in the middle of talking to him on the phone, asking him to pick you up, and then the phone suddenly cut off and he didn’t hear from you again, there’s a good chance he thinks you were kidnapped. To sell this, go to your house, break a window, and throw your furniture all over of the place to indicate a struggle. You will need to go into hiding for a while just in case he called the police. After a day, get a man to call him and say that if he ever wants to see you again, he must pay a ransom. Be sure not to go overboard with the ransom. If you ask for $1 million and he works at K-Mart, he’s going to realize that he can’t help you. As a general rule of thumb, the ransom should be 5 years’ salary of the person making the payment. If he agrees to pay the ransom, it’s true love. Ask him out after you are “set free.” As a bonus, you have some extra spending money! If he scoffs at the ransom, it was never meant to be. Forget about him and move on. Before you do, though, fire a gun once before hanging up so he has to live with the guilt of your “murder.”

Dear Jeremy,
My cleaning lady keeps insisting on coming at 10 am when I am sleeping.  Plus my kids’ school wants me to go on drug free walks in the morning.  Why the hell is everyone trying to mess with my sleep? ~ Lazy Texan

 

Dear Texan,

The school clearly doesn’t really care about being drug free. If you are going to go on walks in the morning, you’re going to have to load up on espresso, lattes, or whatever your caffeinated beverage of choice. Doing so repeatedly leads to chemical dependence few are able to break. So tell them they’re hypocrites and drug pushers and skip the walks. As for the cleaning lady, if you make her live-in help, you won’t have to let her in. The same goes for any maids with good burglary skills.


Dear Jeremy,

 My best friend and I are madly in love with each other.  I don’t think my wife would be okay with that. What should I do? ~ Conflicted Lover

 

Dear Lover,

starwarsblog614788 Dear Jeremy

This isn’t the threesome I had in mind.

A lot of people miss out on the joys of life simply because they’re afraid to ask questions. You don’t “think” your wife would be okay with that? Well, find out. The easiest way is to broach the subject casually. The next time you’re watching the threesome scene in Wild Things, just casually say “that’s so weird, because those two were like, really good friends. Wouldn’t it be weird to have a threesome with your best friend, you know, like if you and I had sex with (insert friend name here)?” Then wait for the response. If she slaps you or gags, it’s time to cut your losses. Instead of hooking up with your friend, just settle for texting her pictures of your penis like the rest of us. If she does anything other than get angry or act repulsed, you have a chance to convince her. When trying to persuade her, remember that subtlety is key and that the Jedi Mind Trick isn’t real (that misconception has led to many divorces).

Dear Jeremy,
When my husband chews his teeth hit together like a horse chomping.  He chews with his mouth closed but I can still hear it. Do you have any advice on how to make his chewing more quiet? ~ Cringing at the Table

 

Dear Cringing,

I believe the word you’re looking for is “quieter.”

 

Dear Jeremy,

Fine, quieter – whatever. Can you answer the damn question? ~ Cringing at the Table

 

Dear Cringing,

Eliminate solid food from his diet and only feed him liquids. Tell him that because of your colectomy, you can no longer eat solid food, and it would pain you to see him enjoying food you can’t eat. If he is remotely sensitive, he will agree to share your new diet. The hardest part is convincing him you had a colectomy. If you have a friend who’s a surgeon, get fake prescriptions and post-op medical supplies. Be sure to act like you’re in constant pain, especially when you walk or sit. As a last resort, consider getting a colectomy. Surgeons on the black market will do it no questions asked, but few accept health insurance.

Dear Jeremy,
I have a crush on this guy. He is sorta shy and I am not. Should I ask him out? ~ Pushy Pam

 

Dear Pam,

No. You’ll just scare him. Shy guys are intimidated by aggressive girls; also by family-style restaurants, but that’s a different topic. Instead, do everything in your power to make him like you. Learn his interests and pretend to be interested in the same things. Laugh at his jokes, but make sure you don’t mistake brooding with deadpan humor. Stalk him and randomly show up at the same places. Pretend you like his friends, even if they’re annoying. If none of that works, show a lot of cleavage, “catch” him staring, and instead of getting upset, smile at him. If that doesn’t work, set him up with your friend Javier at the coffee shop instead.


you know who you are alone forever engineer hate my job 1354406113 Dear JeremyDear Jeremy,
I hate my job.  I shouldn’t complain because I have a job but it sucks.  I have to work sometimes 80 hour weeks and don’t know what I am doing half the time.  The funny thing is that my boss loves me.  She thinks I hung the moon. I want to quit but I haven’t found another job yet.  Any advice on how to get a better job? ~ Job Seeker

 

Dear Seeker,

You hate your job? Wow. I’m sorry, I just don’t have any advice for that. This is the first time I’ve heard of such a problem.

 

If you have any questions for Jeremy that you would like his advice on, please feel free to email them to Becca. Title the email “Dear Jeremy” and sent to Rebecca@ladyornot.com