Honey, just eat a burger. Your skeleton is scaring the children. Better yet, have some of my steak, it gave me an orgasm. I know my size eight butt is gross to you but then again, which one of us is smiling?
x,
Becca
Lady or Not…Here I Come
I know parenting is a difficult task. Many of you are single parents or working parents… or just lazy parents. There is no judgment here. We at LadyorNot.com choose to only support those that have chosen a life of caring for these sweet demon spawn. We felt that in a show of support, we would give you some clear and concise advice on how to properly care for a child.
When children ask you to play hide and seek, cover your eyes and tell them to hide. When they are well hidden yell out, “Are you in the dinning room? Are you behind the couch?” etc. until the children say you found them. When it is your turn to hide, hide behind your hand again. They will find you quickly and their reward is making you a martini.
The other day, I commented on how I fell asleep on my keyboard and wrote a better book than Fifty Shades of Grey… then I realized Twilight was involved too. I was asked to share that book I wrote with my drool, so today you will be honored to read this story. (If you haven’t yet also check out my Fifty Shades Editorial. Trust me, you don’t need to have read the book to get my take on it http://ladyornot.com/fifty-shades-satire/)
Title of the Book: 49 Shades of Not Quite Dark
Author: Becca LadyorNot.com
Published 11/12/12
Preface: Annabella walks into the room and sees a guy that sparkles in the sun. She realizes that Edchrist is just really Prince Harry covered in sparkles. She walks over and slaps him. All the glitter falls off and she informs him the glitter is just girl poo. He is grossed out. He starts a girly dance of ewwwww. He then says an armless snowman told him that Annabella told him that her inner Goddess told her to tell him to roll in the sparkles outside. They move away from Sporks, Nowhere: the town known for their spanking vampire monkeys.
Chapter one through the end: She blushes and he flushes Then he points his long finger at her in accusation and tries to run away. His dog leash holds him there. All of this happens. Once.
wojfofdjfiojoidfjaodjf sdfjojfoa diojdklfmkld
The End.
x,
Becca
Lady or Not… Here I Come!
It is two o’clock in the afternoon on a Sunday and your phone rings. You look at your caller ID and see that friend. We all have those friends who only call us when they need something. The last time this particular friend called she wanted you to install insulation in her attic when it was 105 degrees.
You avoid answering the phone, but one minute later the it vibrates alerting you to a message. You listen for curiosity’s sake. The message says she wants to invite you over for a party. You breathe a sigh of relief and call her back.
She chit-chats with you about some mundane task and then asks if you’re available next Saturday for a party. You ask, “what sort of party?” She tells you it’s a “painting party.” She will have food and Long Island Iced Tea after painting is over. You ask if there is going to be an instructor. She tells you no. You may not know this, but she “is an experienced painter and will help everyone improve their brush stroke.” She tells you to wear something that you don’t mind getting a little paint on. You disconnect.
Surely not!
The following Saturday you show up in your sitting shoes (heels) and artzy shirt. There are not very many cars there. You feel bad for your girlfriend but you’re going to make the party extra fun by your presence. You know it must be tough not having that many friends because you ask for so much help. You can tell she is making an effort to change. Then it crosses your mind… what if she was planning on the kinky type of painting party. Naaaa. She mentioned dressing appropriately.
You walk into the house and you see tarps and you know you have been ensnared into another house project. You have a visceral reaction and you consider throwing paint on her.
Lady or Not…Here I Come friend trap rule number one: Answer all questions with a question. You will not be trapped into painting someone else’s house for booze. If you find yourself in this situation, we suggest you look at her and tell her to suck it as you walk out. Then buy your own Long Island Iced Tea as you fantasize about body painting with (fill in the blank). Then head over to Starbucks.
x,
Becca
Lady or Not..Here I Come!
I asked my friend Jason, a teacher, to come up with one word to help me decide what to write about on Becca forgot to be funny Saturday. The problem was, he came up with three. Not only does he not understand the definition of one but they were nerdy ideas at that. Alien, banana, and cauliflower. He thought he was being clever but is there anything less clever than not being able to count? I think maybe he is celebrating the fact that Colorado passed the marijuana law.
See this is the thing about blogging. You can’t be funny everyday, and people expect you to be funny about things like cauliflower. Seriously? Even I, the renowned Becca, proud recipient of the only BBEU award, can only be funny six days a week. Still, in my tireless mission to humor you, I am sprinkling, like sparkling Becca dust, this unfunny post with links to much funnier ones. Make sure to mouse over each link and click to understand the reference.
Once upon a time… there was a giant named Jason. He had a problem with starbucking©. His problem was he was so tall and no pants would fit him so he started having to wear a kilt. Parts of him would fall out when he stood so he had to sit with his legs crossed. Inevitably, it would happen in front of a woman he was attracted to and it would scare her away. This is why starbucking© seemed to be his only option.
He tried everything to quit. He went on an all bananas and cauliflower diet. He was going to the jungle and spanking monkeys (click here to read about the epidemic). He stayed away from the creamers but nothing was working. His wanker was worn out. He was going to go blind.
So let this be a warning to those near and far, bigger isn’t always better. It also doesn’t mean you can count. This concludes Becca forgot to be funny Saturday.
Lady or Not…Here I Come!
Okay folks today is a special edition because it is the unlucky number 13. But you see I hate social norms so for today the number 13 will be about getting lucky.
Real Products:
This doll may or may not have been purchased by a family member for a male child. When I was asked if I was to help redress the doll I was shocked that he had genitalia, but not really. I labeled his parts as the spork of doll genitalia kingdom. It wasn’t quite a penis but wasn’t quite not one either. You judge for yourself. Yes I felt like a creep taking this photo.
In the News:
Spanish Prostitutes are now being asked to wear bright safety vests to reduce the chances of someone running their car into them. From all the Halloween costumes I saw this year, I think someone needs to patent the street-walker vest. Personally, I don’t think there is anything more sexy than reflective gear. You can read more about it here: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/spain/8086050/Spanish-prostitutes-ordered-to-wear-reflective-vests-for-their-own-safety.html
The next story is near and dear to my heart. LoN is adding this to her vocabulary. The new word for rubbing one out is: Starbucksing©. That’s right apparently a woman got caught “Starbucksing©” while high on cocaine. Read more here http://articles.nydailynews.com/2012-11-03/news/34896743_1_cops-coffee-house-purse . What I found more funny was that when googling the story I found out this is a big thing going around. There is a man named “Mister Peepee” has vowed to masturbate (starbucking©) in every Starbucks in New York City. So LoN suggests caffeine might be just the right aphrodisiac for self love. http://gothamist.com/2011/10/27/man_vows_to_masturbate_in_every_sta.php
Video of the week:
No great story starts with salad….The End.
x,
Becca
Lady or Not…Here I Come!
By the time you all read this you will know who won the election for President of the US. The problem is I always pre-write my posts, so let’s just pretend that we know who won and I am acknowledging that they won. YAY for those who are cheering. Boo for those who are not. Okay, now that is over.
Today (yesterday), with all the voting going on in this country, I was told I am not a real Murican (translated from redneck to English = American). You see, I said you can’t judge a book by its cover. Apparently (gasp) one of the presidential hopefuls read a book that was written by a guy from India. The writer, a respected journalist in America, was writing about what the world would be like if other nations became more powerful than the US. Now this is very anti-American because the rest of the world doesn’t exist and it can’t happen. By reading books like this, we might believe it could happen. I’m not a proper Murican if I support either candidate reading the book or read it myself. (Shh, dude. Did you know that Canada and Mexico are considered American countries too? This only includes North America, of course.)
If I’m not a real Murican, I have to consider which other country I could move to instead. I couldn’t decide which countries would want me the most. Then I considered moving to where I had the greatest number of fans.
Actual graphic of Ladyornot.com readership.
The biggest group of you that love me are from the UK. I considered this, but I was sad. You see, Prince Harry is still stalking me and the Queen played footsie with me that one time (oh wait, I still need to tell you all about that). So I am worried about sexual harassment from the royal family.
Canadians are right under those in the UK for reading my blog, but sorry guys, I don’t qualify for a Murican, so I can’t move up there. I love you all, you cutie patooty Canucks.
Don’t you love it when a croc rides a great white like a horse?
Then I considered Australians. You all have manly rugby players and hot accents. Plus, you turn out some pretty hot actors like Hugh Jackman. Then I remembered you have great white sharks, flying spiders, crocodiles, and the microscopic Irukandji jellyfish that you can’t see but it wants to take you out.
So I guess I will stay here and not read books. I might even try to get my 3000 square foot home onto wheels and make a couch into a porch swing. I will embrace my inner redneck.
Americans are the shit!
Hangs head in shame for reading,
Becca
Lady or Not…Here I Come!
I was playing around the Internet because…well I have no life, and I found an article (source) on Yahoo on 10 places you can meet someone you want to date. As an experienced dater and married person, I wanted to see if they knew what they were talking about. I was too lazy to actually read the article, but I took the bullet points and summarized it for you.
The first rule was “Give back to the community while getting a few numbers“. What could this mean? It means walk around and fish. If you give a thousand people in the community your number, one might be desperate enough to accept it.
The next bullet point was, “Put your best face forward at the women’s cosmetics counter“. This means buy makeup for your feet. Men with foot fetishes would love to see it with a bit of lipstick and some blush. Make sure not to forget the mascara for your toe hair.
Of course there is always the advice to “Get busy cooking up some chemistry“. We all know this means to go to a chemistry class and cook up some sort of drug that makes him pass out until he says “I do.” Then he is trapped and is married to you for life. That is how the cavewomen did it.
Lest we forget, the next piece of advice is to”Stretch your flirting muscle at yoga class.” I am not sure you all know what the flirting muscle is. It is the middle finger. Did you know that every time someone flips their middle finger, it is their way of proposing? Always run to them, and say, “I WILL go to yoga for you” and then kiss them right on the lips. Then embrace them for a 20 second hug.
The author of the article found “Bet on finding love at a poker tournament” very important in the dating world. So here is what you do. Go to Vegas and find the World Series of Poker. Then start walking around to all the players and say, “I am betting love with you!” Show them your mascara toe hair. It is a sure way to find a mate for life.
The next tip you are given is to “Flirt with other literature lovers at a book-signing event“. Lady or Not…Here I Come disagrees with this one. Don’t read books. Books are a waste of your time, and anyone that writes is a loser. Go to a bar instead and fart the alphabet.
I adore the next idea: “Find another fashion-minded person to bond with while you shop“. Take your new man candy out and have him try on your next set of stilettos with the mini. He can model all your clothes for you while you sip martinis and tell him if it makes his ass look big. If it does, then don’t buy it. You don’t want to be walking around with a trashy looking man.
The next one I think they got from Will Ferrell’s character in the movie Wedding Crashers: ”Share a pew with someone who could be perfect for you“. You pick up people at funerals. Then you yell at your mom to get you some meatloaf…so hot.
To “Put a sexy gun owner in your sights“, make sure to show up at work with your lady pistol. Bedazzle it if possible and threaten everyone. Men like this look on a woman and he will probably hump your leg right there.
The very last tip is “Try chasing down dates in a totally different way… by running together“. Okay so when you like a guy chase him. Then tie your shoelaces together. This will make him hot for you.
We all know the dating world is a difficult place. With these tips, you will never be alone. You have LadyorNot.com to thank for making your love bliss happen.
x,
Becca
Lady or Not… Here I Come
We have all been there. The job where your girlfriend got the promotion because she was “friends” with the boss. You tried to be “friends” with the boss too, but you found his boob sweat too gross. So while you were working 50 hour weeks, she was “eating lunch” with him (gag).
The next week you get the call from the company you have always wanted to work for; you’re so excited. You want to tell your boss off, but you’re unsure of what to do because no one has taught you how to burn bridges properly.
Please notice I blurred out the word Fucking to keep this blog wholesome.
Lady or Not…Here I Come is here to rescue you from this dilemma. We leave no bridge unburned. Here is your list of rules for accomplishing the aforementioned task:
There are a plethora of ways to burn your bridges. LoN wants you to take these ideas and make them your own. The most important thing to remember is let no stone be left unthrown.
x,
Becca
Lady or Not… Here I Come