What is Christmas without family dysfunction? Although I am famous (as my daughter and Jason think I am), I am not exempt from this trying behavior. While I am undeniably kind and generous to accept gifts from others, they all want a little something from me.
First is that aunt, you know, the one with boundary issues. You know, the one that bounds in your master bedroom while you’re in a state of undress. She just wanted to know where the blankets were. While she pauses enough to take a long look at you undressed, she doesn’t apologize for interrupting. Oh did I mention she brought your son in with her? Well, why would you be surprised she did that when she let your 11-year-old dig through all your stuff in your closet the last time you were away? When you talked to her about it she said, “Well she was helping you out. Too bad you didn’t like it.”
Then you have your beautiful sibling and her crew. She loves her husband so very much but they are much like Lucy and Desi. They bicker and are silly. But then the aforementioned aunt thought it would be great to bad mouth their parenting in the hallway… at the top of her voice… on Christmas Eve. Apparently, they were not being the parents she thought they should be to the youngest. She was an expert,of course, having never been married or having children. She did take care of a few in her lifetime for a few hours. I mean, I have great memories of doing crafts with her where she yelled at me because I didn’t glue something in the right place. Now that is great parenting! Side note, she is also an expert at marriage. All of us do it wrong. What do my sister and I know about having kids (her 3 and me 2) and being married (her 14 years me 12 1/2) compared to what she has observed.
In the cutest Mr. Rogers Neighborhood voice she could muster she shouted, “THAT WASN’T VERY NICE!” I would have given her a star on her star chart if she had one. I did tell her she was a good girl for standing up for herself and gave her a cookie. This led to an early bedtime for said aunt and a strange Christmas Eve.
Then Christmas Day, I made ham. The ham was supposed to take an hour and a half but cooked in 30 minutes. Who knew that hams could have quick triggers? I probably needed to get Numb-IT and a C ring to slow down its… embarrassing problem. This meant none of the sides were ready. We all know this can be a problem when one is done and the other isn’t. This led to me rushing around the kitchen in a Beccapanic. So, wine was poured in order to calm me down. My lovely 106 lb sister got drunk from a small glass. The poor woman was laying on the stairs watching the imaginary birds by the time dinner was served. I asked her if dinner was very nice. She said it was.
Everyone demolished dinner. Being practically perfect, of course I was told it was super delicious. Then, my sister and her husband packed up to leave as they were getting snow at home. I bagged up some fish tank fish for them to have. As they were leaving one of their dogs puked. We said goodbye and my hypothetical son said he was very cold… fever.
So as Jason’s favorite phrase goes– all in all– an eventful day.
Lady or Not… Here I Come!