WTF Friday #20

Hey it’s the weekend before the new year.  The Mayans were right and we are all dead. But keeping with the spirit of pretending to be alive, I decided to continue to post.

Real products:

51J%2Byffe9qL. SL500 AA300  WTF Friday #20 Ever know that lady that loves cats?  Here is the perfect gift for her. The description says, “Every town has a Crazy Cat Lady. She’s the one who lives in a tiny house full of feral felines. This hard vinyl Crazy Cat Lady Action Figure has a wild look in her eye and comes with six cats.5 1/4″

Seeing as the gift-giving season is over, I suggest this as a Valentine’s present for the lonely people in your life.

 

41K5IsU0nbL. SL500 AA300  WTF Friday #20 LadyorNot.com crack news team reported that the North Korean government said they had discovered a unicorn lair.  I was unsure if this was true, until I found this product.

I heard it was magically delicious. There are no clovers or red balloons, but there might be a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

 

 

In the News:

car2 WTF Friday #20 Prostitution is legal in Nevada.   You may think these bunnies have it easy, but in fact, they’re getting shafted (pun sorta intended). While they only have to pay $25/day for room and board, they also have to supply their own sex toys, and their own lube.  They also have to pay for their own STD testing.  Oh yeah, and the Ranch gets 50% of their earnings – I think I’d make sure they got half the contents of every condom.  Read more here: http://www.tmz.com/2012/12/23/bunny-ranch-prostitute-jimi-lynn-lawsuit-brothel-contract-lube/

 WTF Friday #20

Rejection never tasted soooo good Man!

Ever wonder why men drink after being turned down for sex? Scientists think they have found a link to alcoholism in males by watching the behavior of sexually rejected flies. ”One by one, these eager Lotharios were put into a container with a female that had just mated. So she was really, really not interested in doing it again anytime soon. She would run away. She would kick the male. She would stick out her egg-laying organ to hold him at bay.

The male flies went through three hourlong sessions of this every day for four days, enough rejection to discourage them from trying any more.

After that experience, rejected flies were put in vials and given a choice of regular food or alcohol-laced food. They consistently went for the alcohol more than did the male flies that had just mated. In fact, they evidently got plastered.”  Interestingly enough, when exposed to females that would mate, they would make other choices.  http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/46749854#.UN06Jm9X2UQ

Video of the week:

x,

Becca and Rodney A. Worthington

Jason Classic

 Jason ClassicI was going to make the Beccaism, “Nice to meet  your boyfriend.  I see my new heels are higher than your standards for who you date.” I read this quote to Jason and he sat there and blinked.  He said, “I don’t get it.” I said, “I would think someone as bright as you would have gotten it quicker.  I guess I need to scrap it.”

bless your heart demotivational poster Jason ClassicHe laughed and said, “That’s a classic Southern compliment.”

Then I showed him this to make sure I edited it properly and he wanted you all to know exactly how long it took him to get the joke and his exact words.  I told him he was a girl.  He pouted.

He comes to visit in a few days.  Please list the ways I should torture him in the comments.

 

x,

Becca

Lady or Not… Here I Come!

Wrapping with a White Girl

ACBWPkqHyHVTcEo 556x313 noPad Wrapping with a White GirlThe other night I was chatting with Jason and I introduced him to the song “Thrift Shop” by Macklemore.  He loved it and said it was way too funny.  I told him I was going to learn to rap like him.  I shouted the lyric, “Damn that’s a cold ass honkey!” This line was followed by laughter from he and my husband.  My husband said that I rapped like a white person and Jason said I rapped like a girl.  What the heck? I sounded street darn it!  I think it was insinuated that Betty White raps better than me. (frown face)

Untitled 1 Wrapping with a White Girl

Not very punny

When I finished pretending to be offended, I waited for Jason to finish what he was doing so I could edit his post.  He looked up to see me wrapping a gift for one of my girlfriends.  He started laughing and said, “You do rap like a white girl.”  Yes it was a bad pun.

If you don’t celebrate Christmas, just think of me getting really frustrated wrapping these gifts. Every year I buy paper that is all glitter (the big red package).  Tape won’t stick to it.  So after attempting to make beautiful packages, I give up. Then I use giant ribbons and bows to keep the paper in place.  One pull on the ribbon of the package and the entire thing will come undone.

DDWK2L.activity21 Wrapping with a White Girl

I swear, I was wrapping your gift!

Pro-tip for you lovely gentlemen.  If you ever come home covered in glitter, just tell you wife you were wrapping her gift.  Even if you went to a gentlemens club, she won’t know in the month of December.  It worked for my husband.  Well… he didn’t go to a strip club.  That’s his story and he’s stickin’ to it.

Merry Christmas from my family to yours.  I am going to take Christmas day off from posting.  Blessings to you and yours.  Squeeze any love ones a little bit tighter and remember those that are not with us anymore.

8301982089 f8c43bb794 c Wrapping with a White Girl

My back hurts!

 

x,

Becca

Lady or Not… Here I Come!

Gentleman or Not… Here I Stay #5: Bro Date
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An epic event is set to occur in the Beccaverse, one that could alter the course of history. Lady or Not… Here I Come‘s most dedicated editors and guest writers, the esteemed Rodney A. Worthington and Yours Truly, are scheduled to meet up in Denver tonight. Rod being a gentleman of refined taste, he insisted on forgoing the quick but boring route of flying from Oregon to Missouri, and instead is taking the time to smell the wintry roses, rolling across  the American heartland on a Greyhound bus.

He’ll know he’s in Colorado when he takes in the gorgeous sight of the Rockies’ peaks rising 14,000 feet above sea level, and a few hundred above the haze of legal marijuana smoke. I kind of suspected that he looked for a route through our magnificent state after Oregon defeated a similar measure in last month’s election. I don’t know if he does like to partake, but just in case, I want to treat him to a fine meal while he’s laying over here. Because I would never want to be thought of as that guy who lets his dates go hungry.

 Gentleman or Not... Here I Stay #5: Bro Date

I’m buying… just don’t get extra cheese, that’s a quarter more.

I’m really nervous though. It may be Sunday, but I’m not a churchgoer and I fear I may not have anything formal enough to wear to the Denver Greyhound Station. I mean, these people look like they’ve got higher standards than I can live up to.

DenverBusStation60210 Gentleman or Not... Here I Stay #5: Bro Date

Hey, there’s my homie in the Braves cap!

Seriously, though, what should I wear? I want to make a good first impression. Rod is 13 years my senior and I’m sure he already has certain well-deserved prejudices about the slackdaiscal© attitudes of Becca & I’s generation. If it were Jeremy, I know I’d wear flannel. But with Rod, I just don’t know what he’ll like. I think they like green a lot in Oregon, so I’ll wear green. It brings out my eyes, and will match some of the stains on the floor of the bus station.

I’m really looking forward to this. If you’ve read my previous posts you know I’ve been seeking out a Bro Date for a long time and of all the Bros I could meet, he is definitely the Rod-est of them. Totally Rodical. Of course, we know the conversation will be 5% politics, 4% religion, 3% teaching (our mutual profession), and 88% Becca, who is actively worrying about our conspiring. Truly, though, she set us up. She prodded Rod to email me as follows…

Jason,
As our mutual friend has told you, I will be at the luxurious Denver Greyhound bus terminal on December 23rd from 5:35 to 7:05 PM (assuming no delays).  It would be awesome to meet you in person and gossip about said friend.  Please don’t wear the kilt; I might not be able to control myself.
 -Rod 
To which I replied:
Ha, yes I heard you’d be passing through town. That is right before I go to the airport myself in the morning, so I’m not sure how everything is going to shake out yet schedule-wise, but I’d like to make it happen. Don’t worry, I never wear the kilt on a first date.
 ~Jason (who is awesome to meet in person)
And he in turn:

Jason,
Well let’s see how your schedule shakes out, and whether or not I get stuck in a snowbank in Utah (modern-day Donner party?).  My cell # is (976) 1-HOT-ROD.  We’ll stay in touch, and hopefully the stars will line up.
-Rod (who sounds smarter on the Internet)

But she could be setting herself up. Find out next week…

Snootchie Bootchies,
~Jason 

banner manly 300x105 Gentleman or Not... Here I Stay #5: Bro Date

~”Never let the facts get in the way of a good story” (Mark Twain)~
New posts every Monday at jasonwrites.com

Happy Festivus

Due to the large number of complaints about my Saturday posts being humorous, I have put in a tremendous amount of energy to make sure this one isn’t.  It is a Festivus miracle!

award Happy Festivus

According to the Seinfeld model, Festivus is celebrated each year on December 23rd. However, many people celebrate it other times in December, and even at other times throughout the year.

FrankFestivusPole1 Happy FestivusFestivus is “A Festivus for the rest of us!”  Of course, most of us know this holiday from Seinfeld. Get out your aluminum pole and participate in the ”Airing of Grievances”, which is an opportunity to tell others how they have disappointed you this year. You should follow this by a Festivus dinner because, well, men like women to slave in the kitchen, no matter how anti-Christmas they are. Then it is time for the “Feats of Strength”, where the head of the household must be pinned down.

festivus 7113951 Happy Festivus

My gift to you in honor of the upcoming holiday.

 

Because you’re reading this online, I can’t cook a feast or pin you all down.  I have decided to give an airing of grievances on I forgot to be funny Saturday.

  • Broken cookies.  I want my cookies whole, darn it.
  • clamshell packaging Happy FestivusI hate the plastic packaging on things.  I swear I cut into them and I still can’t get to the actual product.  I keep feeling like I am going to cut myself.
  • The bottom of a peanut butter container.  I hate getting food or sticky things on me unintentionally.  When I go to scrape and I get peanut butter on my hand… total freak out.  So I keep several jars of fresh peanut butter on hand.  I let my hypothetical children scrape for the leftovers in the old container.
  • You all that drop a piece of ice on the floor and leave it there. Then after it is melted, I step on it in my sock.  Then I have that second where I am afraid I have stepped in dog pee.
  • I hate when I wake up to pee 30 minutes before I have to get up for the day. I look at the clock. I know if I go back to sleep, it will be more difficult to wake up.  I feel cheated the whole day.
  • You douches that take up two parking spaces.  I do this too, but when I do (by accident), it is because I am a princess.  If there are no parking spaces left, of course I see friggin’ 15 cars taking up two spaces. Beccarage happens and I consider keying cars and slashing tires… then I remember the superglued screw and I move on.
  • Lady that licked my leg at the pool.  Gross, I don’t know you.  Never lick a person’s leg without permission.  I think all the men in my life are mad at you too because you didn’t do it in front of them.
  • Mother Nature, you’re a bitch.  I hate you several days of the month.
  • Elf on the shelf, I saw you watching me in the shower.  Go away.
  • Teacher at the school, when I have never talked to you before, I don’t want to hear about your vagina troubles.
  • I hate when tape sticks to itself and you can’t find the end.
  • 129073648614951573 Happy FestivusPeople who are obsessed with themselves on Facebook. “OMG my ass looks big in these pantz!  Look at this picture and tell me my ass looks big!” Then they post a picture you can tell they think looks hot. Gag me with a spoon.  (rolls eyes)
  • People that type things with lots of extra letters.  ”Heyyyyyyy!”
  • Men that say, “How married are you?” to women.
  • All of you who don’t listen to my advice and then complain later when things work out like I said they would.
  • tumblr me4prsMGRS1ryi9g2 Happy Festivus

    Did I just touch someone else’s gum?!

    When I go to a restaurant and I accidently touch someone’s gum under the table.

  • Anyone that doesn’t find me funny.

Happy Festivus Everyone!

x,

Becca

Lady or Not… Here I Come

 

Becca-ism #76424

I think push up pops were invented by someone with left over sherbet they didn’t know how to use up.  Frustrated, they gave up, went to the toilet and saw their kids had left the cardboard on the toilet paper roller.  There were also about five of the cardboard rolls laying on the ground and they thought… I’ll show them!

Think about it.

cardboard Becca ism #76424

x,

Becca

Lady or Not… Here I Come!

The Sins of Becca

You may not know it, but Becca is a walking confessional: it seems that no matter where she is, people feel compelled to tell her their secrets and unburden themselves.  She engenders a kind of automatic trust that way.  I am no exception: she’s listened to my troubles on many an occasion, and helped me forgive myself.  It goes something like this: “Forgive me, Becca, for I have sinned.”  Her reply: “Oh get over it and make me laugh.”

Becca The Sins of Becca

No she didn’t!

So imagine my surprise when the tables were turned.  Last night we were chatting, and we got on to the topic of houses – as in buying and selling and fixing them up.  At first Becca was her usual happy-go-lucky self, but as we continued talking, she became visibly nervous, even agitated.  When I asked what was wrong, she said, “Nothing!” with a crazy little laugh.  Her eyes were darting around like moths circling a bug zapper: a sure sign that something was up.

Just as I was launching into an exposition on dry rot, she suddenly blurted, “I did something awful!”

“What . . . do you mean?”

“I’m embarrassed to say.  I feel so guilty.”

“Oh now, I can’t imagine you doing anything really bad.”

“No, you don’t understand.  It’s something awful I did to our old house before we sold it.  If the owners find out they could sue me.  I’ve even done a little snooping; thank God they don’t get on the internet very much.  I worry about it all the time.  I had a dream about that house just last night.”

Now I was really concerned.  What sort of deceptive behavior had my friend been up to?  “Do you want to tell me about it?”

“I don’t know.  I’m afraid you’ll think less of me.”

“Oh now, that’s not possible.”

“What the hell?!  You can’t think any less of me?  Is that it?”

“Uh . . .”

“I have to tell someone.  This has been eating me up for almost a year now.”

“I’m here,” I said, preparing myself for the shock.  I wanted to be there for my dear friend, but what if she confessed to something truly awful, even criminal?

“Well,” she said, hanging her head, “when I repainted the bathroom, I decided to paint the handles on the cabinets too, so it would all look more even.  But there was one of the handles that was loose.”  She looked at me significantly.

I returned her look, nonplused.

“It was a bad screw,” whispered Becca (the fact that she appeared to be on the verge of tears held me back from saying “That’s what she said.”).  “I looked and looked, but I couldn’t find one that was the right size.  There was paint everywhere, and it was almost dinnertime, and I was so tired of working on that stupid house, and this one stupid handle was holding up the whole works, so . . . I superglued it.”

I didn’t say anything because I was waiting for her to get to the really awful part.

“I knew it was wrong just as soon as I did it,” she cried out, clearly in anguish.  “Right then, I knew how Adam felt when he bit the apple.”  She hid her face in her hands.

super glue for cheating men t shirts r7917143800db478aa6761f5ce0b39528 8nhmi 512 The Sins of Becca“Wait . . . you feel bad because you superglued a cabinet handle?”

“Yes!  I know you must think I’m a horrible person, but I couldn’t keep it inside any longer.  We underpriced the house by $10,000, but I still didn’t tell the people who bought it what I’d done.   Please don’t tell anyone.”

So of course, I immediately wrote this post.  The funniest thing about it is that I’m not exaggerating very much at all.  This is just how sweet our Lady really is.

A Christmas Letter

Dear Whomever is on my Christmas Card List,

This has been an eventful year full of things that we did and you didn’t.  Na nana boo boo.  Don’t worry, I’m going to brag a lot but do it in a way that seems like I am not. Mostly, I want you to read about my life and wish you were me.

FPI610150358V2 b A Christmas Letter

So much fun! We live the life!

If you’re in the dark ages and haven’t seen my entire life played out on Facebook and Twitter, then you don’t yet realize how much my life is so much better than yours.  I went on a vacation that you have only dreamed of. Don’t you wish you were me? We decided to show the children how our ancestors lived.  We had luxurious accommodations in a beach front tent on the outskirts of our city.  Granted, the other guests of that beach apparently had moved there to live.  Some of their tents were made of cardboard and smelled of urine.

My husband got promoted to head sanitary engineer.  Sorry yours got laid off, but I warned you about his profession as a software engineer.  My husband is just better at his job than yours was.  Plus, I work crazy hard dealing with the cleaning and yard staff. The least they could do is be grateful for the time I spend babysitting them by doing all my housework.  The funny thing is that since they started cleaning for me, my toilets have been spotless.

 A Christmas Letter

The twins are both straight A students with offers from élite colleges that we can’t tell you about.  My husband and I are encouraging them to pass on college as they were given the incredible opportunity to work at the same place he does.  If they work hard, they can be as successful as he is within six months.  Who needs college when you have offers like this one?

meanwhile in colorado 33019 A Christmas Letter

*cough* Jason

Speaking of children, our 25-year-old son, Ted, is doing well.  His slackadaisical© lifestyle is marvelous, though he still lives at home with us. He is now considering moving  to Washington or Colorado.  I asked him why he choose those two states; he said because they were green.  I am so proud of my environmentalist son.  Plus, the other night he cooked dinner for us.  He let us pick whatever variety of Hamburger Helper we wanted! Then he made brownies. Then we ate more Hamburger Helper.

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas even though it won’t be as wonderful as ours.

Not sincerely,

Your annoying friend