Lady or Not...Here I Come

Blogtoberfest: When fashion tries to kill you

Posted on October 16, 2012 by Rebecca

Thanks to Ellen for participating in Blogtoberfest. Please take a minute to check out her post! https://elleturner4.wordpress.com/2012/10/09/oooohhhh-its-so-scary-in-my-house/

Growing up as a kid dressed in hand-me-downs and whatever was on clearance at Whatever-mart, I couldn’t help to grow up wanting to care about fashion. I am the middle of the road person. I don’t want to be the last one in high-waisted pants. I also don’t want to be so far in front of the fashion curve that most people think I look ridiculous. I really think the people of Whatever-mart resent that I chose a life without them and they have talked my clothes into trying to kill me. Then of course the fact that I tend to trip over my own feet when standing still….but that is a story for another day.

bra Blogtoberfest: When fashion tries to kill you First my over the shoulder boulder holders can’t be purchased at Whatever-mart because they don’t carry my size. They really need to get over it. But no, they have talked these boob vices into stabbing me. That’s right, I will be nicely minding my own business when suddenly I feel a pop and get stabbed in the ribcage with a metal rod. Now if you belong to the IBTC you don’t know what I am talking about. The wire actually breaks and cuts through the bra and literally cuts you.

sonja morgan in bathtub 455x301 Blogtoberfest: When fashion tries to kill you Next is the cute holey pants that are all the rage. My favorite jeans right now have them all up and down the legs (plus really cute rhinestones on the butt). The problem is every time I try to put them on, I get a toe stuck in the hole. This always makes my life flash before my eyes as I can see a faceplant happening into the edge of my bathtub. So far I have been able to rescue myself but the day is coming where I will face death by jeans.

Lastly I have a beautiful collection of shoes. It is taking everything I have not to pull them out and take pictures of every single pair just to show them off. Yes, it is a love affair. I have my beautiful, yet comfortable, furry shoes and flip-flops. My athletic shoes that are only be worn if I’m actually working out. I have my beautiful dressy heels and flats. The best group is my spectacular stilettos aka my sitting shoes.

The sitting shoes are the ones that have been trying to kill me. What I think is that the athletic shoes get together with the fuzzy/flip-flop shoes and make sure that wherever I might happen to be wearing my sitting shoes, there will always be potholes, grass, and no chairs available. Here is the thing, I am unsure if I can live without these shoes but I am not sure I will live if I continue to wear them. Then again wasn’t the Wizard of Oz really all about dying for a great pair of shoes?

What is a practically perfect BBEU winner supposed to do when her fashion sense is trying to kill her? Say screw it and die in beautiful clothes.

Lady or Not…Here I Come!

Blogtoberfest: Glossary Challenge

Posted on October 15, 2012 by Rebecca

Tiff @ http://theophaniaelliott.wordpress.com, challenged me to write “Blog Readers and Writers – A Glossary. What, precisely, are the differences between fans, followers and stalkers?”

As the notorious Lady of Lady or Not…Here I Come, I do deal with a plethora of different readers of my work.

Glossary of Precisely Who Adores Becca and How

Average Reader: The average reader clicks on my page having read or enjoyed something of Becca’s from around the internet. They read, laugh,share her work. This is the end of their thoughts of her until the next posting.

Fan: A fan of Ladyornot.com tends to subscribe to Becca’s writing in more than one way. They usually subscribe by email, Facebook , Twitter (@ladyornot1), or some sort of reader feed. They read and share around one article a week. They always comment when they read. Ladyornot.com is listed on their blog roll if they have one. If they see her in person they ask me to autograph their boobs and write about them.

Followers: Followers do subscribe by emails. They also tend to walk behind Becca 10 paces on the street. They never ask for autographs because they are too shy. They may or may not have a tattoo of Becca’s face on hidden on their bodies. She doesn’t ask where.

Madly in Love Readers: These are the Ladies and Gentlemen that dream of Becca’s crazy good looks and wake up with a mess. They hope to one day marry her. They forget that she is in fact married and has a long line of people waiting for her to be suddenly single. They find themselves thinking of her every waking hour of the day.

Smitten Reader: These are the ones that see Becca’s photos and stare at it longer than she stares at herself in the mirror. They have no desire to marry her but have a wet dream here and there.

stalkers Blogtoberfest: Glossary Challenge Stalker: These readers read Lady or Not…Here I Come over Becca’s shoulder as she writes. They have long range lenses for photos and hang out in the tree outside her front door. They have tattoos of her on their genitalia. Becca is kind enough to provide blankets and hot cocoa to them. Her HOA is complaining about the sheer number of campers in the front yard and the number of bodies stacking up from angry disputes.

Scary:

Lady or Not…Here I Come

Blogtoberfest: Relationship Privileges

Posted on October 14, 2012 by Rebecca

There are certain privileges that should come when you’re in a steady, committed relationship. Those privileges should never be revoked or used as a weapon unless the relationship has met its conclusion.

Rule #1: Women should never ever have to interact with bugs if you’re around. You can save or kill them, but if a bug enters said female’s vision, it is forever your chore.

Rule #2: Men are allowed to preempt household duties for one sports game a week. If he doesn’t like sports, then replace that with video games or Dungeons and Dragons.

Rule #3: No matter how much she tells you she doesn’t care about flowers, always send flowers to her work so her friends can see them. If you can’t afford to send the flowers, you get the cheap ones from the grocery store and put them in a vase from home. Tie a ribbon around the vase, and deliver them to work to pretend to be romantic.

Rule #4: When a woman shows up at the man’s work, she is to be in stilettos and a mini skirt that fits. She will look her very best so her spouse looks like he married up. If she does this, she is allowed to take them off as soon as she enters the car.

Rule #5: Men are to tell women they look hot once a month. Pick one body part to focus on for that month.

Rule #6: Woman are to talk about their husbands’ sexual prowess to their friends….well, anyone that will listen.

Rule #7: It is okay to tell her she looks beautiful without makeup and in casual clothes. Remember to balance this with telling her how great she looks when she is dressed up, or you will have the live-in-sweat-suit-no-make-up-ponytail-doesn’t-shave-her-legs-in-the-winter-lady. She will think you love her more BECAUSE she let go.

Rule #8: Always make sure your man knows when you’re hit on. Talk about how fit the men are that hit on you. Then talk about the man wanting to work out with you. This helps insure you don’t have the no-bath-for-five-days-beer-belly-lazy-man.

Rule #9: No saying you don’t dance. Every time those words leave your mouth, the woman receives two ugly cry passes, and one chick flick date with you. Then she goes out dancing with her girlfriends.

Rule #10: If a man does any manual labor (building something, painting, house repairs, landscaping, etc) without your help, he is in a nag free zone. You are to cheer as if he were a toddler that just used the potty for the first time.

Lady or Not…Here I Come!

My blogging friend Androgoth participated in the Blogtoberfest festivities earlier this month, but I missed his post. Please take a moment to read his wonderful and original tale. http://andro53.wordpress.com/2012/10/08/deadly-pleasures-written-for-beccas-blogtoberfest/ His blog is a wonderful myriad of Horror tales and original art. It is 18 plus so please knock on his door to request entry.

Also read the second part to Sagedoyle’s tale I posted on Friday. http://sagedoyle.wordpress.com/2012/10/14/the-stalker-part-ii/

Thank you both for working so hard on your posts!

If you would like to take part in Blogtoberfest, please post this banner on your page and link me to your post. I will put it in the following day’s post.

Blogtoberfest Dream

Posted on October 13, 2012 by Rebecca

I procrastinated so much on my Blogtoberfest/Becca forgot to be funny post today, that you get to hear about my love affair with Johnny Depp.

If you know me in person, you know that I have never really seen why women are so hot and bothered by him. He is okay and a good actor, but I just don’t find him attractive….until last night.

I was having a nice dream of a threesome in Vegas where I was out of my comfort zone. Then suddenly I am shtupping poor Johnny…well trying to. You see we got married and there was some girl in the room trying to c*&k block our honeymoon. I was very frustrated.

We finally gave up and went upstairs in the new house we bought. The home was beautiful and had a pool and a lovely river behind it. We finally started getting it on in the back yard. I said in my dream , “Oh Johnny, keep going my Jack Sparrow!” in the heat of passion. Yep…these are my dreams

So this is today’s ….Becca forgot to be funny Saturday brought to you by Blogtoberfest. Grab your badge now.

Lady or Not…Here I Come!

WTF Friday #9

Posted on October 12, 2012 by Rebecca

Welcome to the return of WTF Friday. Last week was the first week this lovely series was missed since its creation. Onward and upward.

Please take a moment to stop by http://sagedoyle.wordpress.com/2012/10/12/the-stalker-part-i/ He participated in the blogtoberfest activities and wrote a wonderfully fantastic story for Ladyornot.com It would mean a lot to me if you stop by and leave a comment.

Products you can buy:

Ever want a grill but didn’t want to screw up your teeth? Now you can buy these wacky and wonderful grill shoes!

fuD1T WTF Friday #9

Ever want to buy your kid a doll that can have a baby? Here is your chance.

Fs6Zg WTF Friday #9

In the news:

Best Mugshot Ever—– s SEAN CARL PAYNE MUGSHOT large300 WTF Friday #9

The US elections are around the corner. They need to take a moment and talk to accused Brazilian politician Carma Christina Lima who is now being accused of handing out cocaine in exchange for votes. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/11/carme-cristina-lima-cocaine-brazil-politician_n_1957872.html?utm_hp_ref=weird-news

Video of the week: lip reading the debates:

Ladyornot…Here I Come!

Becca-ism: Conflict Management

Posted on October 11, 2012 by Rebecca

I am unsure, but I am guessing that some of you may have had a conflict or two in your lifetime. I don’t know about you, but when it happens to me, it is because the other person is wrong. Of course I am right, I am practically perfect. Because I am so awesome at conflict resolution, I thought I would pass on my wisdom to you fine folks.

funny gifs yelling at me Becca ism: Conflict Management 1. Always scream and yell at the other person. Nothing gets someone to listen better than this technique. If the other person is talking, make sure your voice is at least a decibel higher.

2. If a task isn’t done exactly the way you want it done, be sure to nag the person until you beat them down. You don’t want them thinking for themselves and how they want things done. It is about what you want.

1008couple Becca ism: Conflict Management

3. Involve everyone you know. This always makes people feel better. Do it as quickly as possible so they can hear your side first and will take your side. Try to embarrass the person, it will shame them into agreeing with you. Possibly talk on the phone during the fight.

4. Whenever possible exaggerate the truth. If the person lied once, you tell them they are a liar all the time. Tell them they were 2 hours late when they were 15 minutes late.

5. Never admit your mistakes. This is crucial. You only show weakness when you admit failure. All failures on your part are caused by the other person. If you were late it was because you were sad by something listed on rule 4.

6. If there are kids anywhere around, always drag the kids into it. Kids need to learn these rules as well. Why not teach them while they are young?

Becca ism: Conflict Management 7. Drinking alcohol is always best when you have a conflict.

8. Make sure to bring up any past mistakes of the other person. Past mistakes are one of your greatest weapons in this battle of wits. Did she do that thing in the bedroom that you always wanted to try with an ex only to find out she never wanted to again? Did he once fold the towels wrong?

9. Always threaten the other person. This includes, but is not limited to: never speaking to them, divorce, running away with someone else, posting about it on the internet, telling their boss or parents, no sex, etc

10. When all else fails, ugly cry.

Lady or Not…Here I Come

Blogtoberfest: Ugly Cry

Posted on October 10, 2012 by Rebecca

I bet you dudes have had the following moment. Your lovely lady has insisted that you get some chick flick…worse yet, you use your Netflix video for Beaches. You’re feeling great about yourself because you know this boosts your bankrolled credits for sex. You may even be spending the majority of the movie daydreaming of using that move you’ve been wanting to try.

You put your arm around her. Your self-induced buzz has kicked in, and then suddenly you look because you feel her body take in a huge breath. She starts to shake a little and you say a little curse in your head. S&%t she is about to cry. You don’t know if this is going to be a soft, cute cry that will put off your hot night for a few minutes, or an ugly cry that will mean no sex at all.

You excuse yourself to go to the bathroom. She offers to pause the movie and you claim this part is too difficult for you to watch. While in the bathroom you say a quick prayer that is the sweet cry. Then you think about the nasty things you can do with her when she is like this if you play your cards right. The thought makes actually going to the bathroom very difficult.

You come out of the bathroom thinking bow chicka wow wow. When you round the corner you are hoping to see this:

so pretty

Instead, you see a stranger sitting in the place of your wife, girlfriend, significant other. This wailing person must have lost a member of her family while you were in the bathroom. Her entire body is heaving. She is blowing snot bubbles while trying to catch her breath. Her entire being is surrounded by tissues. Her eyes plead with you to help her, but you are paralyzed by the visceral memory of your childhood fear of clowns.

Snapping to reality, her eyes cause you panic. What should you do? You wish you could pay someone to make her feel better; anyone but you. You don’t really want to touch this thing that has taken over the woman you love. You have to touch her, if your evening plans have any chance. So you take one plodding step after another in sheer terror.

You approach said subject. Your boots quake and you choke out the words “Are you okay?” This question is met with demon eyes that scream “DO I LOOK OKAY?!!!!” Your balls shrink up inside you as you look within for the right answer. It is such a stupid movie! Do you dare say that to her? Do you dare embark to say something that leads to the great unknown?

The correct answer? No. You shut the F&%k up and sit down and cuddle. You keep those balls tucked nice and neatly where they belong and vow to yourself to never allow this movie in your house again. You might even plan a video burning party with your bro/buddies. You never, ever speak of this night as you fall asleep while she sobs on your shoulder.

Lady or Not….Here I Come

Becca-ism #161712

Posted on October 9, 2012 by Rebecca

Yes, you’re single because most women do assume you’re a creep if you have long nails. I haven’t met one woman (though I am sure there are plenty out there) who hasn’t agreed. The nails tell us all we need to know and you are immediately dismissed from the dating pool. We will not buy anything you’re selling. You will be lucky to get us to talk to you. If we do talk to you, we will be cringing on the inside.

Though, if you’re Prince Harry, you will be naked in a few minutes. No one will notice your nails.

Becca ism #161712

Blogtoberfest: My Season of Fat

Posted on October 8, 2012 by Rebecca

My fat season lasts from the first day that it is remotely chilly (65ºF or lower) until the first day where it warms up here in Texas. What? I used the word “fat”? Yep I did. I own it…I dare you to give me a hard time about it. I embrace my fat season, and I hope you all do too.

The first day of the season, I make some sort of homemade soup. (When I say homemade, I mean boiling chicken bones until you get chicken stock, etc.) You can’t have homemade soup without homemade bread. Then what is chicken soup and bread without a nice warm fresh cobbler? See where I am going here? (Did I mention I’m an amazing cook…makes ya wanna slap your mamma good)

As soon as this happens, the Halloween decorations slowly begin to appear. That means the glass pumpkins have be filled with candy bars, candy corn (which if you don’t eat by color you’re a freak), and m&ms. A few of these find their way into my mouth somehow. I am not sure how. I suspect Prince Harry or Obama use their invisibility cloaks to put them in. I certainly don’t sit on my a$$ while writing, eating all the crap I can find to stuff in my face, and drinking copious amounts of vodka. Until then I am going to embrace my Season of Fat.

IMG00521 Blogtoberfest: My Season of Fat

I’m not eating them…I’m just having fun.

What? I just like lollipops!

uhhh Prince Harry gave it to me!

Okay it might be a problem

But really I don’t have a choice. I am supposed to be making my children’s childhoods memorable. I’ll make special treats, and then I will stop eating like this after Halloween….oh wait Thanksgiving. Well I HAVE to eat bad then. It would be impolite to my family and friends to go on a diet in November. I guess I could at the beginning of November. Wait…no my sister needs me to eat cake on her birthday. Yep, I can’t do it until after Thanksgiving. Until then I am going to embrace my Season of Fat.

Once Thanksgiving is over, I am in the clear. Let me tell you, it will be a relief to not sit down and feel the fat start to roll. If I get it under control now, it won’t be an issue. What did you say? Oh Christmas that’s right! I have cookies to bake. Caramel corn to make. I need to go to all the parties I’m invited to, and as I am all about manners, I should eat a little of everything served. I will start my diet on New Years. Well, the day after. It will be a relief when I don’t have to wonder if the button of my jeans will close or not. Until then I am going to embrace my Season of Fat.

Around January 5th, I will face the truth: I won’t be dieting until after Valentine’s Day. Every day, I’ll stuff my sausage thighs into my pants. I love my cold weather clothes because they are such dark jewel toned colors, plus they hide my jelly rolls. With each step I’ll feel my junk in the trunk jiggle. Until then I am going to embrace my Season of Fat.

Then the first day of warm weather happens, and I despise the sun. Truly a horror story that almost every woman in America goes through.

spookybannercopy 584x269 Blogtoberfest: My Season of Fat

Post this banner on your wall with a spooky tale or fun Halloween blog project and I will link you in my next post! I would love for each and every reader to participate! x, Becca

Lady or Not…Here I Come!

Beccageddon

Posted on October 7, 2012 by Jason

Very few people know how close we came to the end of the world as we know it last Monday, October 1, 2012, when Ladyornot.com reached a level of popularity that began a global domino effect. A tremendous traffic spike shut down all the servers at the company that hosts the site. Simultaneously, millions of ~~perverts~~ curious people worldwide who were searching Google for phrases like “monkey foot fetish” and “Dora’s dirty panties” were hit with 404 Page Errors and in their frantic pushing of the “Refresh” button managed to overload Google itself. And we all know that if Google goes down, it will take the whole World Wide Web with it.

DO NOT USE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Eight minutes later, employees at webhostinghub.com were alerted by the Department of Homeland Security that the unprecedented popularity of Ladyornot.com threatened to crash the entire Internet. In a controversial, but ultimately necessary move, global catastrophe was averted. The runaway success of Ladyornot.com threatened not only the very foundations of the WWW, but was also causing a massive spike in pork belly futures (due to a sudden, inexplicable run on bacon) as well as a rash of naked Prince Harry sightings. (In fact, rumors abound that the whole matter may be a conspiracy by the royal family to halt the exposure (ahem) that only the intrepid reporting staff at Ladyornot.com could, well, expose).

One top-level official at the DoHS, who must remain anonymous, said that the incident was already being tagged with the code-names “Beccageddon” and “Y2Becca.” We should all breathe a deep sigh of relief and say a little prayer tonight that not only was the Beccapocalypse stopped before it truly began, but thanks to the extraordinary efforts of the Men in Pink, Ladyornot.com has been resurrected to almost its full prior glory. (The Men in Pink intervened because the Men in Black were busy; also, they wanted to prove they are not all complete douchebags, as previously asserted on the site).

So, never fear, loyal readers. Blogtoberfest will continue, Prince Harry will still be tracked, monkey abuse will be exposed, Dora will keep exploring, and we can still count on learning about all the fascinating oddities that makes us say “WTF” every Friday. Tell your friends– but maybe not all your friends. The world may not have the resources to stop such a disaster again.

~Jason (Jasonwrites.com)

A note from Becca——I want to send a huge shout out to my wonderful friend Jay. He rescued my site. He owns a message board Board for Us as well as sells server space. If you enjoy participating in message boards (I am very active on there so we could more than blog interact) please click the banner and join us over there. If you have questions on how to purchase server space let me know and I will help you find that as well.

Click Below

Lady or Not…Here I Come

Warning: this blog contains verbal ejaculations, and is intended for mature audiences with funny bones only. If you consider any advice as useful you are in the wrong place.

Blogtoberfest: When fashion tries to kill you

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WTF Friday #9

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Blogtoberfest: Ugly Cry

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Becca-ism #161712

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Blogtoberfest: My Season of Fat

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Beccageddon

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