The Sins of Becca

You may not know it, but Becca is a walking confessional: it seems that no matter where she is, people feel compelled to tell her their secrets and unburden themselves.  She engenders a kind of automatic trust that way.  I am no exception: she’s listened to my troubles on many an occasion, and helped me forgive myself.  It goes something like this: “Forgive me, Becca, for I have sinned.”  Her reply: “Oh get over it and make me laugh.”

Becca The Sins of Becca

No she didn’t!

So imagine my surprise when the tables were turned.  Last night we were chatting, and we got on to the topic of houses – as in buying and selling and fixing them up.  At first Becca was her usual happy-go-lucky self, but as we continued talking, she became visibly nervous, even agitated.  When I asked what was wrong, she said, “Nothing!” with a crazy little laugh.  Her eyes were darting around like moths circling a bug zapper: a sure sign that something was up.

Just as I was launching into an exposition on dry rot, she suddenly blurted, “I did something awful!”

“What . . . do you mean?”

“I’m embarrassed to say.  I feel so guilty.”

“Oh now, I can’t imagine you doing anything really bad.”

“No, you don’t understand.  It’s something awful I did to our old house before we sold it.  If the owners find out they could sue me.  I’ve even done a little snooping; thank God they don’t get on the internet very much.  I worry about it all the time.  I had a dream about that house just last night.”

Now I was really concerned.  What sort of deceptive behavior had my friend been up to?  “Do you want to tell me about it?”

“I don’t know.  I’m afraid you’ll think less of me.”

“Oh now, that’s not possible.”

“What the hell?!  You can’t think any less of me?  Is that it?”

“Uh . . .”

“I have to tell someone.  This has been eating me up for almost a year now.”

“I’m here,” I said, preparing myself for the shock.  I wanted to be there for my dear friend, but what if she confessed to something truly awful, even criminal?

“Well,” she said, hanging her head, “when I repainted the bathroom, I decided to paint the handles on the cabinets too, so it would all look more even.  But there was one of the handles that was loose.”  She looked at me significantly.

I returned her look, nonplused.

“It was a bad screw,” whispered Becca (the fact that she appeared to be on the verge of tears held me back from saying “That’s what she said.”).  “I looked and looked, but I couldn’t find one that was the right size.  There was paint everywhere, and it was almost dinnertime, and I was so tired of working on that stupid house, and this one stupid handle was holding up the whole works, so . . . I superglued it.”

I didn’t say anything because I was waiting for her to get to the really awful part.

“I knew it was wrong just as soon as I did it,” she cried out, clearly in anguish.  “Right then, I knew how Adam felt when he bit the apple.”  She hid her face in her hands.

super glue for cheating men t shirts r7917143800db478aa6761f5ce0b39528 8nhmi 512 The Sins of Becca“Wait . . . you feel bad because you superglued a cabinet handle?”

“Yes!  I know you must think I’m a horrible person, but I couldn’t keep it inside any longer.  We underpriced the house by $10,000, but I still didn’t tell the people who bought it what I’d done.   Please don’t tell anyone.”

So of course, I immediately wrote this post.  The funniest thing about it is that I’m not exaggerating very much at all.  This is just how sweet our Lady really is.

A Christmas Letter

Dear Whomever is on my Christmas Card List,

This has been an eventful year full of things that we did and you didn’t.  Na nana boo boo.  Don’t worry, I’m going to brag a lot but do it in a way that seems like I am not. Mostly, I want you to read about my life and wish you were me.

FPI610150358V2 b A Christmas Letter

So much fun! We live the life!

If you’re in the dark ages and haven’t seen my entire life played out on Facebook and Twitter, then you don’t yet realize how much my life is so much better than yours.  I went on a vacation that you have only dreamed of. Don’t you wish you were me? We decided to show the children how our ancestors lived.  We had luxurious accommodations in a beach front tent on the outskirts of our city.  Granted, the other guests of that beach apparently had moved there to live.  Some of their tents were made of cardboard and smelled of urine.

My husband got promoted to head sanitary engineer.  Sorry yours got laid off, but I warned you about his profession as a software engineer.  My husband is just better at his job than yours was.  Plus, I work crazy hard dealing with the cleaning and yard staff. The least they could do is be grateful for the time I spend babysitting them by doing all my housework.  The funny thing is that since they started cleaning for me, my toilets have been spotless.

 A Christmas Letter

The twins are both straight A students with offers from élite colleges that we can’t tell you about.  My husband and I are encouraging them to pass on college as they were given the incredible opportunity to work at the same place he does.  If they work hard, they can be as successful as he is within six months.  Who needs college when you have offers like this one?

meanwhile in colorado 33019 A Christmas Letter

*cough* Jason

Speaking of children, our 25-year-old son, Ted, is doing well.  His slackadaisical© lifestyle is marvelous, though he still lives at home with us. He is now considering moving  to Washington or Colorado.  I asked him why he choose those two states; he said because they were green.  I am so proud of my environmentalist son.  Plus, the other night he cooked dinner for us.  He let us pick whatever variety of Hamburger Helper we wanted! Then he made brownies. Then we ate more Hamburger Helper.

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas even though it won’t be as wonderful as ours.

Not sincerely,

Your annoying friend

World Domination

I was asked recently to post about how I would dominate the world using a few items.  I will highlight those items. http://sagedoyle.wordpress.com/ aka Mr G.

World domination is a goal many strive for, but few can pull off.  With a few easy steps, you too can be on your way to a life on top. Before you start this quest, make sure you have these items on hand:

  • beer
  • onions
  • mannequins (or as Mr. G spells it, manikins)
  • saxophonists
  • Christopher Walken

westboro World DominationNow that you have gathered your supplies, drink your first beer.  This is the key to survival.  Boxed wine and/or Southern Comfort 100 proof are the only two acceptable substitutions; though without beer you will likely fail.  Any other substitutions will end your journey before it starts. Only the aforementioned alcoholic beverages will loosen your morals and allow you to make very bad choices.

After you have consumed your booze, eat some raw onions.  This will make your breath prime for fighting.  If you would like to add a hot dog or sausage to the equation, please do.  Your food pleasure is my pleasure. Make sure to feed Christopher Walken while you’re eating.  Offer him a beer too.

god hates signs World DominationThen look at the list of members of Westboro Baptist Church (they are trying to picket the funerals of the children and teachers) that the hackers assembled. Have a saxophonist teach members to play the saxophone on the sly.  If they refuse, you can use Christopher Walken and/or the mannequin as stand-ins and Photoshop.  If he gets a fever (Walken), allow him to play more cowbell.

Then use Photoshop to make sure each male member’s mouth is full of… any item of your choice.  Then print up posters and post them around your city.  If confronted, blow your onion breath in the WBC member’s face and they will run the other way. Once you embarrass the group into silence, people will beg to be your minions.

sax World Domination What??? It’s a rooster!

The end.

x,

Becca

Lady or Not… Here I Come!

 

Gentleman or Not… Here I Stay #4: Crafty Christmas Carols
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Christmas music always puts you in the mood for the season. But after hearing these same songs year after year, I started to pay attention to the lyrics. I think there’s some very subversive things going on in Christmas songs, even the most traditional carols. Always being one to expose a good conspiracy, here are my top ten most questionable Christmas song lyrics:

10. “Deck the Halls” & “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”:
This pair of gaychristmastrees 300x199 Gentleman or Not... Here I Stay #4: Crafty Christmas Carolssongs feature the lines “don we now our gay apparel” & “make the yuletide gay.” I don’t know who this Don is, but he can keep his gay apparel. “How typical of the gay community to hijack songs so closely tied to the birth of Jesus. Obviously these songs are tools of the gay agenda to make us all turn gay,” remarked Focus on the Family.

9. “We Wish You a Merry Christmas”: OK, no explicit gay agenda in this one, but there is that one line, “We won’t go until we get some.” Actually, I think I can go for that line of thinking… I’m never getting off the naughty list. Haha, I said getting off. OK, moving on…

8. “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”: We know there are thousands of bored suburban moms out there who made Fifty Shades of Grey a phenomenon, but I’ll bet there are plenty who fantasize of making Santa Fifty Shades Redder Than His Suit when they whisper the things they’d like to do to him in his jolly old ear. But the weird part here is not this kid being a kinky voyeur, or Mommy tickling Santa under his snowy white beard (we can only assume the carpet matches the curtains), but then this naughty kid adds:

156960 478354925540511 371361174 n Gentleman or Not... Here I Stay #4: Crafty Christmas Carols

This is what Santa thinks of you, when he’s not thinking of your Mom.

Oh, what a laugh it would have been,
If Daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night!
Oh yeah, maybe you would be laughing kid, but I don’t know if Daddy will be. Daddy might be a tad upset at Mommy getting it on with a 2000-year-old overgrown elf. Maybe if after stuffing Mommy’s stocking, he stuffs Daddy’s with $1,000,000… Now we have a mix of Bad Santa and Indecent Proposal. Weird. Moving on…

7. “Winter Wonderland”: Something about building a snowman, pretending he is Parson Brown who asks “Are you married?” and they reply, “No man, but you can do the job when you’re in town.” First of all, what was in these kids’ eggnog that they can pretend a snowman is a parson? And why would their hypothetical snowman parson asking if they’re married? Is this song endorsing premarital sex? Just say no, kids! Not to mention that “you can do the job when you’re in town” sounds like a mob hit to me. “Parson” indeed, nice cover there.

6. “Baby It’s Cold Outside”: The entire song is a man trying to persuade a woman to spend the night with him and features the line “Say what’s in this drink?” Draw your own conclusions.

5. “Frosty the Snowman”: While we’re on the subject of snowmen, this one willfully defied the direct order of a police officer. And the TV version gives a bad name to hardworking magicians everywhere. Becca should take his snowman arms away and sell them to the highest bidder.

4. “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”: A triumphant tale of celebrating diversity. Still, ever since I was five, I’ve been wondering what “reindeer games” are. Do they get medals? Another song best remembered for its TV special– which taught kids that it’s OK to be different. Even if you’re a Misfit Toy, someone will love you. Exactly what you would expect from some 1960s liberals. Damn hippies.

3. “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch”: Again, we’re supposed to appreciate that everyone is different and special in his or her own way. If those Who’s down in Whoville hadn’t bullied the green guy, a whole lot of trouble could have been avoided, and that poor dog could have relaxed on Christmas Eve.

2. “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas”: We do not tolerate racism on this blog!

the cost of the 12 days of christmas 550pixels Gentleman or Not... Here I Stay #4: Crafty Christmas Carols
1. “The Twelve Days of Christmas”: And we wonder why this holiday has become so commercialized. For centuries, this 42-minute long song has been telling people that in order to show “true love,” you must lavish gifts for not one day, but almost two weeks. Let’s add up this extravagance… $25,431.18! For that price, I’d rather have a new Swagger Wagon than all those birds and people leaping and dancing.
[Source: The Cost of The 12 Days of Christmas by PaydayLoan.co.uk]

Honorable mention: “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer”: What makes you think you can just get away with vehicular homicide  Rudolph? And with Grandma gone, who’s going to make that figgy pudding so that our annoying relatives WILL go home already?

banner manly 300x105 Gentleman or Not... Here I Stay #4: Crafty Christmas Carols

~”Never let the facts get in the way of a good story” (Mark Twain)~
New posts every Monday at jasonwrites.com 

Family Style

award Family Style

Today is Becca forgot to be funny Saturday, which fits in with the mood of the American nation.  Today, I decided that maybe I would share the softer side of me.

I am the hypothetical mom (my kids love when I say that, though my daughter calls me her “hypothical” mom) of an 11-year-old and an 8-year-old.  They’re 2 years and 4 months apart.  They both have my wicked humor and sarcasm.  So I do things like the note below to keep them out of the guest bathroom, and they laugh.  They, in turn, try to find ways to mess with me, and we all end up laughing and being silly.  The one rule in my house is no laughing, which leads to defiant behavior from every member of this family.

825 Family Style

Dear Hypothetical Children,
There is a giant flying spider in the guest bathroom. I, Becca, placed (well had it placed) it in there to keep you out! Go in there at your own risk (free will and all), but I WILL NOT RESCUE YOU! The cleaning ladies were just here.
x,
Your hypothetical mommy.
Attached is a picture of the spider.

 

I forgot that I had left that note up since the cleaning ladies were here two weeks ago.  I have had guests with children twice since then.  What is fun is they read it and they may have a moment of fear, but when told that I was kidding, they are excited to be in on our pranks.  I love bonding with kids.  Since I am practically an adolescent myself, I tend to have the fun house to hang out at.

I hope you have fun with your kiddos.  My wish is that with all the hurt and tragedy going on around us, you all take the time to put your focus back on what is truly important.  How do you make your life fun?  What can you do to improve your relationships?

Christmas2 Family Style

Blessings from my family

 

x,

Becca

Lady or Not… Here I Come!

The Children

I am so saddened and disheartened for the loss of the children and teachers of Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut. I will never truly understand the evils of this world. I pray for the parents, siblings, grandparents, and children of the victims. This is truly a tragic day for us all.

x,
Becca

remembrance The Children

WTF Friday #18

Funny Signs:

 WTF Friday #18

photo credit Girl About Akron. Click to read her post.

Despite all the ads for feminine hygiene products, periods are not blue and women don’t dance around with white clothes on. Therefore, it is not really possible to trek across a building and onto a different floor to ask the ruddy faced security guard for your vagina plug.

But hey, they’re free right? Just follow the trail of blood from the other women.  Or better yet, lets start another burn your bras type of movement and go hygiene product free.

notes to neighbors bacon wrapped 6 WTF Friday #18Ever hear more than you wanted to hear?  Yeah, me too.  Honestly I am glad for people to be having a great time, but they need to use their indoor voices.  Now if they’re outdoors, I am willing to negotiate.

Then again, if you are going to be screaming outside, watch for poison ivy in strange places because it will be no fun.  Crabs might be another problem (pinch pinch).

This picture says it all:

45124 505740346124199 2082879560 n WTF Friday #18

Real Products:

148232 10151409071798465 293575234 n WTF Friday #18Ever want to know why they call toilets thrones? Wonder no more.  You too can have this gold throne installed in your mansion.  It looks totally comfortable, and you can sparkle as you sit. Who wouldn’t want this amazing chair?

I personally need 3 for my house.  Which of you will buy these for me?

 

6390 505646739466893 2080130488 n WTF Friday #18Now these I really, really, really want.  I hope bad Santa brings them to me for Christmas.  How much fun would this be at my next cocktail party?

I need ones that say things such as: Shut your pie hole, Prince Harry leave me alone, Want to buy snowman arms?, Jason did it, and My boobs are better than yours.

This picture says it all:

483622 379130255508596 562244938 n WTF Friday #18

 

In the news:

funny celebrity pictures match com WTF Friday #18There is currently a petition to have the White House build a Death Star, like in Star Wars. While White House officials have declined to respond to the 25,000 signature petition, they will eventually have to answer as to why they don’t think this idea is pure genius   Personally, I want a Death Star.  The author of the article insinuates that the moon might very well be one… all I care about is if we have hot allies like Jabba the Hutt.  I would put on a gold bikini for him any day. (Source)

 WTF Friday #18Ever want to put your one-eyed snake in a vise?  Now you can.  According to blogger Brain Moylan,”Your morning wood fills it to the brim and your spasming penis looks like a kid with his nose pressed against a window. It’s trying to break free, to get through the plastic to freedom. But it can’t. It is trapped, and it is dying.”  Now who wouldn’t want that?  You can read more about his male chastity belt experiment here.  This is a real device and you can order it on Amazon.com  I couldn’t decide if I should put this on the real products or news, but had to give the quote.

Video of the Week:

This week’s video is brought to you by the Death Star conspiracy.

 

 

The Christmas Story

 The Christmas Story

Well it is a tongue

Now, I know what you all are thinking.  I am going to write about shooting your eye out and getting your tongue frozen to a pole.  I love that story as much as the next gal, but the Christmas story that sticks in my head is Bad Santa.  I know, it should be the one about Baby Jesus, and that one is the real one that sticks in my head, but today we are not talking about him.

 The Christmas Story

You know you want to hit this… so hot!

I remember seeing this movie as clear as day.  My sister-in-law, her friend, husband, and I rode up the escalator of the Peabody mall in Memphis in happy anticipation of watching this film.  I had a festive caramel apple and a much smaller butt.  As a hypothetical mom of two toddlers, I needed a grown up film that wouldn’t remind me of The Wiggles… anyone ever notice how hot Greg was?  Yeah, well that is where my mind was at that time.  Sigh, he was the lead singer for The Wiggles.  They were my life.  I had not heard of the movie but they told me it was funny.  I was assuming it would be something like Elf.

So we sat down in our comfy red chairs in anticipation: brother, sister, wife and friend.  What more could we hope for?  The opening scene was a cocktail party with serene piano music and then Billy Bob narrating about how he hated his life.  Cut to him peeing on a wall in his Santa suit.  I assumed this must be a story how this guy gets his life together.

The next part that stands out in my head is him having some hard-core sex with a bartender in his car.  She was yelling “Fu*k me Santa!” and he says, “Can I at least take the hat off?” and she says something about liking it.  Then she talks about a deep-seated desire for that since she was a kid.

tumblr met17tv8Al1ry9hph The Christmas StoryNow, let me tell you… nothing is more fun than watching sex with your sister-in-law.  I am sure it was even more uncomfortable for her and her brother to be watching it together.  After that it was blinders and not watching any other expressions during the movie.

I will say though, if you like dark satires related to Christmas, this is the movie for you.  Personally, I am pretty sure it wasn’t Billy Bob in that movie, but the one and only Jasonwrites.  See I have proof.

bad santa The Christmas StoryAll those emails you gals are sending him made him go off the deep end.

 

x,

Becca

Lady or Not… Here I Come!

 

This Summer Becca is 00-oh in “Skyball”

Recently, I went to see Skyfall, the latest James Bond film, and after I had left the movie, I had an epiphany: Becca is a secret agent.  So I rushed home and wrote a script for her upcoming movie:

 

Act 1: Assignment from M (who’s a man, like in the old days):

M:  Good morning 00-oh.  Nice work taking down Goldthingy.

Becca:  Whatever.  Those douchebags put a bullet hole in my Swagger Wagon.  You’re going to fix that, right?

M:  Of course.  Here, have a drink.

Becca:  Blech!  What is this?  Don’t you have any Southern Comfort around here?

M:  Well, I . . . (he’s cut off by Becca’s phone ringing).

Becca:  Hold on.  Hello?  Jason?  Where’s my freakin’ post?!  No, I said to take that out!  It was supposed to be done two hours ago.  I’m telling you , my readers will totally get the part about the goat and the truck tire.  Just put that in and post it already!  Okay, bye.

M:  Why don’t you try a sip of this?

Becca:  Don’t even think about trying to get me drunk, M.  I know you want to tap this, but you wouldn’t know what to do with it even if you had the chance (bends over to get something out of her purse, giving M a shot of her ample cleavage).

M:  Ah . . . I think I need a drink.

Becca:  (pulls a lollipop out of her purse and begins seductively sucking on it) Why do they call you M?  Hmmmmm?  Mmmm.  Mmmmmmmmm.

M:  Please stop that, 00-oh.

Becca:  Mmmmmmmmmmmm.

M:  Good God!  Can’t you see that you’re driving me insane with desire!  I’ll do anything to have you!  I can get you in to see the Queen.  Would you like that?

Becca:  Thanks, but I don’t have time to deal with subordinates today.  What’s my next assignment, you perv.

M:  (sigh) Well, a new terrorist organization has sprung up, called Al Cutya.  It’s headed by a man named Jacques D’Gooberville, a very dangerous customer, and an evil genius besides.  He books his operatives on international flights, and then they occupy the bathrooms the entire time so that no one can relieve themselves.  The passengers force the pilots to land the plane so they can go pee.

occupied1 300x200 This Summer Becca is 00 oh in Skyball

The new face of Terror

 

Becca:  Bwahahahaha!  That’s funny.

M:  I do wish you’d take your job more seriously, 00-oh.  Ah, here’s Q with his latest gadget.

Becca:  Whoa!  Where’d you find this guy, the nursery?  Honey, are you even eighteen?

Q:  I’m eighteen and a half.

Becca:  I’ve got bras older than you.

Q:  (cough) Um . . . here’s your latest sidearm.  It looks like a standard-issue Walther . . .

Becca:  Stop right there!  Didn’t they tell you anything?  I don’t do guns.  How about nuclear-powered sex toys.  You got any of those?

Q:  I’m experiencing vascular tumescence.

Becca:  Yeah, that happens.  Sorry.  Hey what’s that in your shirt pocket?  Can I have one of those?

Q:  It’s an iPhone29.  I built a time machine and went into the future to get it.  They won’t even be invented for another four years.

Becca:  Can I have it?

Q:  Uh . . . sure.

M:  I say, Q, are you trying to cockblock me?

 

Act 2: Tracking down vital clues:

Hubby:  What’s that?

Becca:  It’s an iPhone29.  Guess who’s running for President in 2016?

Hubby:  George Clooney and Donald Trump.

Becca:  Wow!  You are so smart!  Who needs an iPhone with you around.

Hubby:  You, evidently.

Becca:  Awwww.  It was a gift.  How could I say no?  Honey, could you do me a favor?

Hubby:  Of course, my dangerously beautiful wife.

Becca:  Book us two seats on United flight 666?

Hubby:  I’d love to.  Are we working undercover?

Becca:  Not the way you think, you naughty man; business before pleasure.  It’s just so much work to book a flight, and I’m really . . .

Hubby:  Okay, done.  So we’re going to Bangkok?

Becca:  Great idea!  How about in the pantry this time?

Hubby:  Uh . . . I meant the city.

Becca:  Oh, yeah.  Right.

Hubby:  Why there?

Becca:  A certain iPhone told me I’d find D’Gooberville on that flight.  Espionage is such hard work.  Now about the pantry . . .

 

Act 3: Confronting the villain:

D’Gooberville:  Ah, 00-oh.  Here you are, just as I planned.  All the toilets are occupied!  What will you do?

Hubby:  Who’s he?

Becca:  A criminal mastermind.  Would you refill my drink?

Hubby:  Sure.  Be careful, okay?

Becca:  No worries.  First, D’Gooberville, I’m calling you “Goober” for short.

Goober:  I hate that name.  Oh great, even the writer’s calling me Goober now!

Becca:  Second, if you knew anything about me, you’d know I’d rather die than use a public restroom.

Goober:  What do you do then?

Becca:  I sparkle.

Goober:  Damn!  This ruins everything.  Okay, Plan B: see this vial?  It contains a highly virulent strain of influenza, and . . .

Becca:  Yeah, my hypothical kid had that crud last week; he got over it.

Goober:  This aerosol can is filled with poison gas that can . . .

Becca:  Have you smelled my dog’s farts?

Goober:  See this flash drive?  It’s got . . . (he’s cut off by Becca’s phone ringing)

Becca:  Hold on.  Hello?  Yes Jason, what is it?  No, don’t do that one; do the one about the alligator in the toilet.  Trust me, they’ll love it.  You’ll have that done in 15 minutes, right?  No, you can’t eat until it’s finished.  Get busy.  Bye.  Okay Goober what were you saying?

Goober:  This flash drive has the passcodes for every NATO . . .

Becca:  If it isn’t porn, I don’t care.

Goober:  I’m an evil genius!

Becca:  You suck!  Boris Badenov was a better villain than you.

Goober:  That’s a very cruel thing to say.

Becca:  Awwww.  Don’t cry.

Goober:  I just can’t believe you’d be so hurtful.

Becca:  You’re so transparent.  Stop trying to make me feel sorry for you.  I know you want to show me your secret weapon, but it just isn’t going to happen.

Goober:  Curses!  It’s like you can read my mind.

Becca:  Indeed.  Look, if you turn yourself in and give all your stolen money to Doctors Without Borders, I’ll have a drink with you.

Goober:  Um . . . how about two drinks?

Becca:  Don’t push me . . .

Goober:  Okay, okay!  I’ll go turn myself over to the air marshal right now.  Jeez!

Becca:  And don’t forget to get your minions out of the johns.  My husband might need in there.

Hubby:  Everything okay?

Becca:  Yep.  Everything’s just fine.  Hey, want to renew our membership in the mile-high club?

(Roll Credits)