I really shouldn’t be telling you this, but I’m one of those types who has to share his brilliant schemes. Unfortunately, I’m more of a thinker than a doer. So if one of you steals this idea, I need all the rest of you to vouch for me when I take them to court. You heard it here first.
I remember the first evening I spent with my future ex-wife. I had to listen to her go on and on about Stevie Nicks and Freddy Mercury (shoulda clued me in right there), her cat, her family, her job, etc., etc., and – six hours later – etc.
And I had to actually listen, at least most of the time, or pretend to anyway. I thought it was horrible. What can I say: I was young and stupid and wanted to get in her pants.
Now, 25 years later, I’m back in the dating game, and the problem isn’t that I don’t care, it’s that I have trouble remembering things. This got me thinking. I need an assistant, but hiring a person to follow me around and record my conversations is too expensive. Then I remembered I live in the 21st century, and I had a brilliant idea: a phone app called Perfect Guy.
Perfect Guy will hear every little thing uttered by my future girlfriend, and he will remember it all. If I happen to forget her favorite color, or what kind of flowers she likes, Perfect Guy is there to remind me. And anniversaries! Seriously, how am I supposed to remember the 2nd anniversary of our first kiss? I can only imagine the brownie points I’ll get when Perfect Guy sends my girlfriend’s mother a birthday card – on time, even.
Perfect Guy will be hooked into a good ole’ boys network of shops, hairdressers, credit card companies, and the Perfect Guy apps of dudes chasing her friends. This way, I’ll know what she’s interested in, what’s cool with her girlfriends, and more importantly, what I have to compete with. I’ll also know the landmines her former boyfriends stepped on, which we can all agree would be mutually beneficial.
I can imagine you sitting there thinking, “You’re a douchebag. You’re trying to come off as thoughtful and caring, when you’re really just taking shortcuts. This isn’t how it works in a Harlequin romance. Where’s all the guesswork we’ve come to know and love?”
My suggestion is that you get down off your high horse and admit the truth: you want this app just as much as I do. And you’re wrong about me faking that I care. In fact, Perfect Guy allows me to care more. Instead of sweating about remembering the names of all her sisters, or the fact that she just had her hair did up*, I can focus on the really important stuff, like the right size cup for the lingerie I intend to buy for her.
Besides, if I do get around to writing this app, I’ll have lots of money, and nothing says “I care” like lots of money.
From Behind the Scenes . . .
Rodney A. Worthington
(Rodysseus of The Rodyssey)
* Becca dared me to say this.