I went on the town this weekend with my best friend. She, her buddies, and colleagues were drinking, and I was the designated driver. I was dutifully drinking my water, when I noticed a minty flavor in the drink. I thought maybe one of the women that wanted to get in my pants had changed out my water for a mojito. To my disappointment, no one was trying to get me drunk and easy; there was used chewing gum mixed in with the ice. When I finished throwing up, I let my friend talk to the bartender (Key Bar, Austin), who didn’t care and said so. I’m a little worried I’m going to get sick.
First, please never go there. Second, do you hand out cootie shots?
P.S. I’ve attached a photo of the offending glass.
You’re screwed. You don’t know what that chewer was doing with his/her mouth. You basically made out with that person. The answer is no to cootie shots. My suggestion is that you go to your doctor and get an oral STD screening, and a mouth pregnancy test. I remind you of that one lady I posted about who had squids hatch in her mouth.
Also, a little sandpaper to the tongue wouldn’t hurt.
Well that’s what my hypothetical children think I am. I’m actually turning 35 at 6:00 PM today. What does that mean? Not much except the reminder that I served nine months hard time, and then was rudely forced through a vagina unwillingly.
For my efforts, I get lemon cupcakes and a week of celebration. That sounds great until you understand that a week is for chumps. I deserve a “Becca was vagina-ed” month dedicated to me. There should be no school or work internationally. It really becomes a problem when everyone can’t drop what they’re doing to plan a party for me. I mean I only had Rod fly in, Jason staying here, my sister’s family drive in, my aunt come to see me, a girlfriend drive in to see me, and a small gathering today. I expect more. I want to see parades and skywriting.
Instead, I will settle for a great big group hug from all of you that I’ve gotten to know and love over my 34th year of life.
Last night I went to bed at 3 A.M. like any reasonable adult. I expected to sleep in, but no… my hypothetical son turned on cartoons at the Nickelback-awful time of 9:30. Since I was awake, I woke up everyone else to ensure that we all suffered together.
Everyone woke up and ate their allotted amount of Cap’n Crunch. I was planning on going back to sleep but Rod, who is currently visiting, decided he wanted to fix things for me around the house… for free. Rude, I know! So he was doing stuff to toilets, and doorbells, and electrical outlets and took up the whole morning. Then, he demanded I take him to the hardware store so he could fix more stuff.
I got back and wanted a nap, but my cancer-ridden dog demanded to have a checkup with the eye doctor. Her eye was oozing some weird junk last week. I showed up expecting a miracle; instead they are having me repeatedly take her back for checkups (4 times thus far). $500 later, she’s only meh, and has to go back in two weeks, and I still didn’t get a nap.
I got home from there and everyone staying in my house was demanding food, so I agreed to dinner out after I got an hour nap. I laid down to rest, and my hypothetical daughter decided it would be great to wake me to ask for something trivial, like more toilet paper. I don’t remember for sure, because if you wake me up my immediate response is NO!
If that wasn’t bad enough, the cleaning ladies had the gall to inform me that they will be showing up at 9:30 in the morning. With all these houseguests, my bed is about to break up with me. Sigh… my life sucks.
I think I’m still alive or I’m writing from the great beyond. I think it might be the second, because I have been haunting you all. You all are nasty. I see you picking your nose and wiping it on your pants leg because you have no tissue. I decided to come back to the living so I wouldn’t have to see such atrocities.
Real baby bird that Jason and I rescued.
While I was away, drama has ensued across the globe. People have lost funny bones, aunts have become gossips, animals have been jumping out of nests and cages. Obviously, I’ve been missed.
Really sorry that I took a short break from posting. I have had 17 different people staying at the house, and it will be 18 tomorrow, since posting a week ago. I also got a bit of a cold.
But the good news is I plan on posting regularly this week. :) I look forward to hearing from you all.
If you were a child of the 80′s and 90′s like I was, you remember the saying, “Be kind and rewind.” I’m sure you shed tears on a regular basis because you miss being able to do that. Now you can. With this product, you can rewind every day! Our lives can be complete now.
Ever want to try to look more beautiful and then give up? Maybe you couldn’t decide who to look like so you went with the guy from all the Halloween movies. Who wouldn’t want to look like a masked murderer? Now you can do both. The Rejuvenique facial mask is the answer for us all. Purchase here…
Ever have a stuffy nose, a headache, a cold? Why not try a good healthy dose of radiation? This ultraviolet light-producing apparatus was supposed to be the bees’ knees for curing all that ails the head. This product is no longer available.
In the News:
Ever break into a house for cocaine only to realize you stole human ashes? Me either. But poor “Billy” got confused and was a bit embarrassed when he was busted by the cops. It has not been confirmed or denied if he snorted the poor mother of the robber’s victim. Read more here…
I’m pretty much good at everything, so I don’t need any real-life superheroes like this guy to “rescue me.” If he really wanted to help, he could just repaint the parking lines to make them wider. Read more here…
Last week I returned to the beach because I thought I could blend in with the whales. That didn’t work, so I just swam in the seaweed that had some of the gulf of Mexico around it. The water wasn’t deep, so I could go really far out and the only issue, that I knew of, was the waves that beat the hell out of me.
I was minding my business playing with the hypothetical rugrats, when I felt something tickle my ankle. I squealed in delight, shouting, “I felt a fish!” Everyone told me that it was just the seaweed, but I knew better because the plant was scratchy. This felt like a wriggly kiss. Moments later I felt it again, and my oldest ran out of the water, never to return again. I moved away and my youngest took my spot, hoping for a fish to kiss his ankle. No such luck. Next thing I know, one comes up to me and (I kid you not) swims right between my legs.
But what happens when they do it to you?
I screamed out, “The fish are molesting me! The fish are molesting me!” Then a friend pushed me out of the way so they would do the same to her. They didn’t want her, they wanted me. They chased my hiney all the way back to the beach.
Be warned: Fish in the Gulf of Mexico like vagina and ankles. If I pop out a mermaid, it wasn’t because I forgot to be faithful to my husband.
This baby is super cute but mine would have to be cuter. It is me after all.
Since starting this blog a year ago, I have been less than stellar about going back to the gym. I went back to the gym Saturday and pushed myself really hard. I’m a little pissy today because I’m not back in shape already. What’s the point of exercising one day if you don’t look fabulous the next? Yet, I will go again tomorrow knowing I will have to watch my fat butt jiggle in all those stupid mirrors because gym owners want to torture me.
Anyway, I woke up yesterday morning feeling like I had been hit by a truck. Apparently crunches, lunges, squat holds, calf lifts, and elliptical machines are abusive. Everything hurts, but most of all my butt. Every time I move, it screams at me that I’m going to die if I move anymore.
I tried this stuff, but it did’t work.
I went around and begged my family members to massage my butt, but my hypothetical kids giggled and ran away. Then they yelled from a faraway room that I needed to find a doctor to help me with my problem. I contemplated this idea, but realized there is no doctor that will help with such issues.
I really started to think about this, probably a little too much. A proctologist won’t massage my butt, they would only want to stick a finger into it. A massage therapist would be offended, thinking I wanted a happy ending. Those massage chairs take care of you from your neck to your feet, skipping your butt. My only option is to become a stripper, but that is right out because my stupid workout didn’t change my body overnight.
If the Japanese can start a service where people pay for someone to sex-free nap, why not sex-free butt relief? So I think one of my readers needs to start a Butt out Booty Business so that when I need my butt rubbed in a non-perverted way, it can happen. You might say I’m butt hurt that it doesn’t exist already.
This past week I had the pleasure of taking a short beach vacation with Becca and her hypothetical children. I learned a lot during those four days and three nights, but what I was reminded of most is just how indispensable Becca is. I’ll give you some examples:
What the dolphin wants to say.
1) We were on a dolphin-watching boat cruise. Every time a dolphin appeared in the water, it wasn’t the boat captain who noticed first– it was Becca. This convinced me that she can actually speak to dolphins, or at least understand their language. How else could she know they were there before anyone else?
2) We ate at an adjacent restaurant after the cruise. After the meal, I got excited by a t-shirt I saw; I grabbed it, hastily paid for it, and then Becca started laughing. She rolled her eyes, asked me to hold it up and… turns out the one I grabbed was a Small and I am, well, not small. Imagine what my surprise would have been when I tried to peel that on… been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, couldn’t wear it.
3) She befriended a pair of hard-lot teenage sisters, interpreted the dreams of a hotel housekeeper, assisted every other guest in making their Texas-shaped waffles, and I’m pretty sure would have adopted everyone just mentioned if she didn’t worry so much about making Angelina Jolie jealous.
The only drawback to Becca’s powers is she forgets that all of us other mere mortals don’t possess the same. She’ll tell you to pick out a restaurant, but she forgets that you can’t read her mind to know exactly what she does or doesn’t want to eat– like she can. I’m pretty sure she should be some sort of goodwill ambassador to the UN, but they’d probably want her available before noon.
If you live in my house, you know how hard it is to keep people out of your ice cream. Now you can buy a lock from Ben & Jerry’s for $5.70. There is no “I” in team but there is one in family. So step away. Purchase here…
Ever want to say screw you to PETA? Or you may be blowing snot bubbles when pets are around. Now you can have designer allergy-free pets. The cats and dogs range as low as $ 6,950 to as high as $27,950, depending on your selection. These poor pets are a sci-fi movie gone wrong. Purchase here…
This product speaks for itself. Their slogan is “Double the Fun” but personally, I’m not sure how you could have any fun when they are not ergonomically correct. You can purchase them for only $8.99 here…
In The News:
Boobs are causing mayhem all over the world; this time in San Francisco. Metro UK News is keeping us abreast of the latest in the story. After some road rage the buxom beauty struck his car and then left the scene. The man remembers nothing about the way she looks, but he does remember her boobs. Read more here…
Lights on or lights off, that is the question. In Naples, two men got into an altercation over whether they should leave the lights on. This led to blows and the victim with a gashed head. Read more here…
Video of The Week:
I never knew ebay and jamba juice were a power company for single women.