Till Death’s Life Insurance

mrjason 300x220 Till Deaths Life Insurance

Jason wishes his classroom was this nice.

Today I went to help Jason set up his new classroom in a dungeon on the second floor of a middle school.  Nothing says middle school like white walls, green stained carpet, and cabinets that look like they were built by disgruntled orangutans.  The school built the prison-like walls without windows because they were afraid that a strong breeze would blow the building down.

While hanging red butcher paper and finding neutral colored staples, I was called “nice” by one of his fellow teachers.  This threw me for a loop as I’m not sure if I’ve ever been called nice.  Usually adjectives to describe me are things such as: beautiful, amazing, brilliant, flatulent, etc.  But nice?  I think not.

You see, I have a reputation with teachers; they love me.  I don’t know why.  I have a potty mind.  I need lots of editing.  I insert “that’s what she said” into any fitting conversation, no matter how inappropriate.  Yet, a good 70% of my friends are in the profession.

rich Till Deaths Life InsuranceOnce, it was insinuated that I had nefarious intentions by making teacher friends. I’m a bit sad that more people haven’t come to that conclusion.  I told Rod and Jason, both teachers and friends, that it is part of my diabolical plan to get rich off of them.  You see, I know teachers make crap for money, but life insurance policies… there’s bank there.  If I can befriend 1,000 teachers, and then get each one of them to name me as their beneficiary, and figure out a clever way to off them all (melted icicle, anyone?), I will be rich!

Well maybe not rich, but perhaps I could afford HBO and Showtime. (Insert diabolical laugh here)

x,

Becca

Lady or Not… Here I Come!

WTF Friday #49

Real Products:

ebra 178x300 WTF Friday #49Ever feel like your bras are underachieving? Do they just cover your breasts and lift them up?  Do you wish your bra would get off it’s lazy ass and do more work?  Not me: mine is overtaxed and underpaid. But if you do, your wish has come true. For the low price of $49.99, your bra can save you and your partner from gas.  Though, I have to wonder if your bedmate should see the doctor for issues related to flatulence.  If someone removed my bra (which is a fantastic experience, I can assure you), and then tried to cover my mouth and nose to keep me from fainting, I would put my bra back on and exit the room.

 

gpsshoe 300x211 WTF Friday #49Ever get so drunk that you didn’t know how to get home?  Dominic Wilcox has created a prototype of the “No Place Like Home” shoes.  You can tap your heels together and it sends you in the direction of home.  “The left shoe points in the desired direction, the right shoe acts as a progress bar.”  While these are not in the stores yet, they have been invented.

foot fetish 300x250 WTF Friday #49Have a fetish for feet?  Me either.  But if you do, you can buy these 8.6 inch silicone feet to put on your coffee table and look at while you touch… one eyed snakes. They can be all yours for the excellent price of $99.00.

 

 

In The News:

dexter WTF Friday #49Remember those shoes that help you find your way home?  Well, Jiang Wu needed them badly when he mistook a shipping create for his bed and breakfast.  He woke on a cargo ship that would soon be heading from China to the US.  When he woke, he was able to reach the police but was not able to tell them which container he was in.  I bet he knows Dexter.  Read more here…

bat to a gun fight 300x224 WTF Friday #49Want a gun but can’t afford it?  Why not rob a gun store; but don’t bring a gun, bring a baseball bat. Derrick Mosley had a swing and a miss with this one. Read more here…

 

 

Video of The Week:

 

x,

Becca

Lady or Not… Here I Come!

Dear Doctor Becca– Gummy Trouble

Dear Doctor Becca,

I went on the town this weekend with my best friend.  She, her buddies, and colleagues were drinking, and I was the designated driver.  I was dutifully drinking my water, when I noticed a minty flavor in the drink.  I thought maybe one of the women that wanted to get in my pants had changed out my water for a mojito. To my disappointment, no one was trying to get me drunk and easy; there was used chewing gum mixed in with the ice.  When I finished throwing up, I let my friend talk to the bartender (Key Bar, Austin), who didn’t care and said so.  I’m a little worried I’m going to get sick.

First, please never go there.  Second, do you hand out cootie shots?

 

Sincerely,

Poly-gummery, Oregon (*cough* Rod)

P.S. I’ve attached a photo of the offending glass.

Rods glass Dear Doctor Becca   Gummy Trouble

 

Dear Poly-gummery,

You’re screwed.  You don’t know what that chewer was doing with his/her mouth.  You basically made out with that person.  The answer is no to cootie shots.  My suggestion is that you go to your doctor and get an oral STD screening, and a mouth pregnancy test.  I remind you of that one lady I posted about who had squids hatch in her mouth.

Also, a little sandpaper to the tongue wouldn’t hurt.

 

x,

Becca

Lady or Not… Here I Come!

WTF I’m 26 Today

Well that’s what my hypothetical children think I am.  I’m actually turning 35 at 6:00 PM today.  What does that mean? Not much except the reminder that I served nine months hard time, and then was rudely forced through a vagina unwillingly.

For my efforts, I get lemon cupcakes and a week of celebration.  That sounds great until you understand that a week is for chumps. I deserve a “Becca was vagina-ed” month dedicated to me.  There should be no school or work internationally.  It really becomes a problem when everyone can’t drop what they’re doing to plan a party for me. I mean I only had Rod fly in, Jason staying here, my sister’s family drive in, my aunt come to see me, a girlfriend drive in to see me, and a small gathering today.  I expect more.  I want to see parades and skywriting.

my birthday 300x210 WTF Im 26 Today

Instead, I will settle for a great big group hug from all of you that I’ve gotten to know and love over my 34th year of life.

x,

Becca

Lady or Not… Here I Come!

The World is Against Me Sleeping

Last night I went to bed at 3 A.M. like any reasonable adult. I expected to sleep in, but  no… my hypothetical son turned on cartoons at the Nickelback-awful time of 9:30.  Since I was awake, I woke up everyone else to ensure that we all suffered together.

teamwork 300x210 The World is Against Me SleepingEveryone woke up and ate their allotted amount of Cap’n Crunch.  I was planning on going back to sleep but Rod, who is currently visiting, decided he wanted to fix things for me around the house… for free.  Rude, I know! So he was doing stuff to toilets, and doorbells, and electrical outlets and took up the whole morning.  Then, he demanded I take him to the hardware store so he could fix more stuff.

I got back and wanted a nap, but my cancer-ridden dog demanded to have a checkup with the eye doctor.  Her eye was oozing some weird junk last week. I showed up expecting a miracle; instead they are having me repeatedly take her back for checkups (4 times thus far). $500 later, she’s only meh, and has to go back in two weeks, and I still didn’t get a nap.

sleep The World is Against Me SleepingI got home from there and everyone staying in my house was demanding food, so I agreed to dinner out after I got an hour nap.  I laid down to rest, and my hypothetical daughter decided it would be great to wake me to ask for something trivial, like more toilet paper. I don’t remember for sure, because if you wake me up my immediate response is NO!

If that wasn’t bad enough, the cleaning ladies had the gall to inform me that they will be showing up at 9:30 in the morning.  With all these houseguests, my bed is about to break up with me. Sigh… my life sucks.

 

x,

Becca

Lady or Not… Here I Come

I Think I’m Still Alive

picking nose 216x300 I Think Im Still AliveI think I’m still alive or I’m writing from the great beyond. I think it might be the second, because I have been haunting you all.  You all are nasty.  I see you picking your nose and wiping it on your pants leg because you have no tissue.  I decided to come back to the living so I wouldn’t have to see such atrocities.

baby bird 300x169 I Think Im Still Alive

Real baby bird that Jason and I rescued.

While I was away, drama has ensued across the globe.  People have lost funny bones, aunts have become gossips, animals have been jumping out of nests and cages.  Obviously, I’ve been missed.

Really sorry that I took a short break from posting.  I have had 17 different people staying at the house, and it will be 18 tomorrow, since posting a week ago.  I also got a bit of a cold.

But the good news is I plan on posting regularly this week.  :)  I look forward to hearing from you all.

 

x,

Becca

WTF Friday #48

Real Products:

dvdrewinder WTF Friday #48If you were a child of the 80′s and 90′s like I was, you remember the saying, “Be kind and rewind.”  I’m sure you shed tears on a regular basis because you miss being able to do that.  Now you can.  With this product, you can rewind every day! Our lives can be complete now.

 WTF Friday #48Ever want to try to look more beautiful and then give up? Maybe you couldn’t decide who to look like so you went with the guy from all the Halloween movies.  Who wouldn’t want to look like a masked murderer?  Now you can do both.  The Rejuvenique facial mask is the answer for us all. Purchase here…

rad 300x221 WTF Friday #48Ever have a stuffy nose, a headache, a cold?  Why not try a good healthy dose of radiation? This ultraviolet light-producing apparatus was supposed to be the bees’ knees for curing all that ails the head. This product is no longer available.

In the News:

dead people 300x211 WTF Friday #48Ever break into a house for cocaine only to realize you stole human ashes?  Me either. But poor “Billy” got confused and was a bit embarrassed when he was busted by the cops.  It has not been confirmed or denied if he snorted the poor mother of the robber’s victim.  Read more here…

Parallel Parking Man 300x191 WTF Friday #48

Parallel Parking Man, saving “helpless” female drivers everywhere!

I’m pretty much good at everything, so I don’t need any real-life superheroes like this guy to “rescue me.” If he really wanted to help, he could just repaint the parking lines to make them wider. Read more here…

Video of the Week:

In honor of the royal heir…

The Colbert Report

x,
Becca
Lady or Not… Here I Come!

Producing Mermaids

As you all know, everyone is in love with me. People around the world beg to put a ring on this finger.  Remember the waiter that was soooo infatuated with me?  Why should fish be any different?

whale 300x300 Producing Mermaids Last week I returned to the beach because I thought I could blend in with the whales.  That didn’t work, so I just swam in the seaweed that had some of the gulf of Mexico around it.  The water wasn’t deep, so I could go really far out and the only issue, that I knew of, was the waves that beat the hell out of me.

I was minding my business playing with the hypothetical rugrats, when I felt something tickle my ankle. I squealed in delight, shouting, “I felt a fish!”  Everyone told me that it was just the seaweed, but I knew better because the plant was scratchy.  This felt like a wriggly kiss.  Moments later I felt it again, and my oldest ran out of the water, never to return again.  I moved away and my youngest took my spot, hoping for a fish to kiss his ankle.  No such luck.  Next thing I know, one comes up to me and (I kid you not) swims right between my legs.

salmon 300x212 Producing Mermaids

But what happens when they do it to you?

I screamed out, “The fish are molesting me!  The fish are molesting me!”  Then a friend pushed me out of the way so they would do the same to her.  They didn’t want her, they wanted me.  They chased my hiney all the way back to the beach.

Be warned: Fish in the Gulf of Mexico like vagina and ankles.  If I pop out a mermaid, it wasn’t because I forgot to be faithful to my husband.

mermaid baby 232x300 Producing Mermaids

This baby is super cute but mine would have to be cuter. It is me after all.

x,

Becca

Lady or Not… Here I Come!

Butt Out Booty Business

yep me 226x300 Butt Out Booty Business

Seriously!

Since starting this blog a year ago, I have been less than stellar about going back to the gym. I went back to the gym Saturday and pushed myself really hard. I’m a little pissy today because I’m not back in shape already.  What’s the point of exercising one day if you don’t look fabulous the next?  Yet, I will go again tomorrow knowing I will have to watch my fat butt jiggle in all those stupid mirrors because gym owners want to torture me.

Anyway, I woke up yesterday morning feeling like I had been hit by a truck.  Apparently crunches, lunges, squat holds, calf lifts, and elliptical machines are abusive. Everything hurts, but most of all my butt.  Every time I move, it screams at me that I’m going to die if I move anymore.

Bad Byron Butt rub 500x500 300x300 Butt Out Booty Business

I tried this stuff, but it did’t work.

I went around and begged my family members to massage my butt, but my hypothetical kids giggled and ran away.  Then they yelled from a faraway room that I needed to find a doctor to help me with my problem.  I contemplated this idea, but realized there is no doctor that will help with such issues.

I really started to think about this, probably a little too much.  A proctologist won’t massage my butt, they would only want to stick a finger into it.  A massage therapist would be offended, thinking I wanted a happy ending. Those massage chairs take care of you from your neck to your feet, skipping your butt.  My only option is to become a stripper, but that is right out because my stupid workout didn’t change my body overnight.

If the Japanese can start a service where people pay for someone to sex-free nap, why not sex-free butt relief?  So I think one of my readers needs to start a Butt out Booty Business so that when I need my butt rubbed in a non-perverted way, it can happen.  You might say I’m butt hurt that it doesn’t exist already.

 butthurt Butt Out Booty Business

x,

Becca

Lady or Not… Here I Come!