Gentleman or Not… Here I Stay #16: Where to Find Your Next Date

Dear Jason,
I have been trying to find new places where I can meet decent, attractive, single women. I’ve been told that grocery stores, libraries, and church are the best alternatives to the bar scene. As someone who is obviously an expert on women, where do you advise I go?

Sincerely,
Desperately Dateless

Dear Dateless:
First, thank you for your correct observation of my female expertise. All the women who regularly read Lady or Not no doubt agree with you. Well, some of your answers are obvious.

If you want smart chicks, go to the library. However, I suggest you might want to try Barnes & Noble instead, because then you will reassure your potential pickups that you can actually afford to buy books. I’ve spent a lot of time in

conspiracy dummies1 Gentleman or Not... Here I Stay #16: Where to Find Your Next Date

Maybe she’ll recruit you for her secret society.

public libraries and on your average weekday afternoon, you’ll mostly find unemployed people using the free computers to either search Monster.com or surf for NSFW pictures, which is fine since they’re not at work, and probably won’t be anytime soon. So if your dream is to be a sugar daddy, you might get lucky. Oh, once in a while you’ll see someone actually looking at books; just make sure it’s not in the conspiracy theories section.

Churches can be good places to meet single ladies, so long as the church’s name isn’t Westboro Baptist. Try to listen in to prayers, and see if you can overhear anyone asking God for a husband. Make sure to make your own prayers just audible enough. Thank God for blessing you with such virility. Ask for strength because you are trying so hard to be a born-again virgin, but it’s so difficult when all your past lovers keep coming back because you’re the only one who could ever satisfy them.

Really though, your best bet is probably grocery shopping. After all, that’s something everyone has to do, so there have to be some available ladies at the store. Just be careful about where to choose to shop, because that’s the biggest influence on what kind of women you will meet.

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Hey baby.

First, there’s Wal-Mart. Shopping here says I’m poor cheap economical. I suggest using this line: “Did you buy those pajama pants here?” But if you do say that, make sure she doesn’t see your camera phone. Personally, I’d suggest going to Target instead, because women who shop there are saying, “I’m on a budget but still trying to look classy.”

There’s also Costco or Sam’s Club. It’s a bit odd for a single person to do their grocery shopping there, but hey, you can find some amazing deals. You may want to be careful with the woman buying a 196-count box of super-heavy-flow tampons. She’s either stocking up for the next two years or has some major issues. Look for someone buying a 60-lb. bag of cat food. She’ll appreciate your help lifting it and may also need some human company– or maybe not.

Your local supermarket is your best option. Just be careful what’s in your cart. Doritos, Dr Pepper, hand lotion, and Kleenex are probably not your most attractive combination. You can win major brownie points for noting her purchases of skim milk or diet soda and mentioning how she doesn’t need them.

If you find the love of your life, I expect credit. If you don’t, you probably need to become a better listener.

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Never let the truth get in the way of a good story… 

~Jason

Gentleman or Not… Here I Stay #15: Of Orgasms and Brussel Sprouts

lie back and think of england poster 200x300 Gentleman or Not... Here I Stay #15: Of Orgasms and Brussel SproutsMen like to think they’re more enlightened these days. Once upon a time, it was all “wham, bam, thank you ma’am” and the ladies were supposed to lie there and think of England. Now, any man with a clue will try to make sure the lady enjoys the experience as much as he does. It’s still selfish– the surest way you’ll get to do it with her again is to make sure she enjoyed it.

roasted brussels sprouts Gentleman or Not... Here I Stay #15: Of Orgasms and Brussel Sprouts

Not her orgasm.

But my bros tell me they feel pressured to make sure she gets her orgasm first.   Then they can just plunge in and have their way. This obsession concerns me. When anything in sex becomes an obligation, it’s no longer fun. So I say to them, “Dude, her orgasm is not like brussel sprouts.” It’s not something unpleasant to get out of the way so you can dive in to your steak.

So, I decided to do a little research on the subject, to find out what other advice men are being given when it comes to pleasuring women. I came across “10 Lessons About the Female Orgasm,” by one Debby Herbenick, Ph.D, on the Men’s Health magazine site. I’m not a Ph.D. (though Becca is), but I thought I could give you a quick review of this article.  Instead of spending your time reading, you can spend it getting down.

1. Take her off the clock & 10. Let her finish first: Weird to combine the beginning and the end of the list, I know, but no wonder us guys are confused. So now, Dr. Debby, you’re telling us we DO need to get her there first, but at the same time we should give her all night to do so if necessary. Meanwhile, you stay in some kind of eternal holding pattern, like a plane circling for hours before it can land. Now I really know why Viagra is so popular. Just remember, ladies, that if you take over four hours, we have to contact our physicians immediately.

farts jars 300x300 Gentleman or Not... Here I Stay #15: Of Orgasms and Brussel Sprouts2. Turn her on with your talent: You never know, your expertise at trapping farts in jars could be just what it takes to get her all worked up.

3. When she’s naked, speak up: But your first words shouldn’t be “Can we turn off the lights?”

4. Always be tender up top: This one refers to breast play. Those blessed with huge tracts of land would prefer that you explore the scenery along the perimeter highway instead of going straight downtown and parking– this applies to her other major zone, as well, fellows.

5. Learn her key strokes: I didn’t know this was about cybersex? female orgasm equation 300x200 Gentleman or Not... Here I Stay #15: Of Orgasms and Brussel Sprouts

6. Change your angle: I’m all for believing nerds make better lovers, but treating intercourse like a geometry problem, or lining up a pool shot, is probably not your best approach. (Unless you’re a math teacher, maybe).

7. Use moves that multitask: What stupid advice, since men are notorious single-taskers, and there’s probably no time that they’re more single-minded.

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In case you’re still unclear– no color required.

8. Learn to sense her orgasm: This one includes the useful suggestion that your tongue should be an explorer but not a probe. But then it says you should watch for “subtle deepening of color” that indicates increased blood flow to target areas, so you know she’s close. First of all, I can’t imagine how much light you must need to see that. Second, are you supposed to keep a color wheel nearby for reference? “Ah, she’s gone from pink to rose. Maybe mauve now, I think she’s close!”

9. Follow her lead: Basically a reminder to KISS. Once you find something that’s working, don’t stop and try something else. You can make hundreds of delicate brushstrokes, or you can throw some paint on the canvas and call it good; but you can’t do both, and either way, you’ve still achieved art.orgasm funny card 300x210 Gentleman or Not... Here I Stay #15: Of Orgasms and Brussel Sprouts

In conclusion, true passion should always achieve maximum mutual fulfillment. Just remember, though, it’s sex, not a space-shuttle launch.

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Never let the truth get in the way of a good story… 

~Jason

Gentleman or Not… Here I Stay #14: Social Lubrication

The other day, as I was getting dressed for work, feeling less motivated than  Gentleman or Not... Here I Stay #14: Social Lubricationusual because I had really hoped it was going to be a snow day, I was listening to the radio. They were discussing “social lubrication,” the things we tell each other to avoid awkwardness in our interactions. They are, really, a legacy of little lies which we tell so often that we don’t even realize we’re lying anymore. I made an instant connection: I had just replied to an e-mail from my brother the night before with, “I will try to call sometime this weekend.” Double whammy! Both of those italicized words are classic lubrication qualifiers.

 Gentleman or Not... Here I Stay #14: Social LubricationMy long history of social awkwardness has made me avoidant of many social situations and positively petrified of making firm commitments to others, so I tend to use these qualifiers a lot as a way of always giving myself an escape hatch. That is, until I met Becca– more so, since I started writing for Becca.

She wants promises, and expects them to be kept. No wishy-washy “I’ll try” or “sometime tomorrow” for her. Because she actually cares about giving you, dear audience, a quality product everyday, she wants commitment and firm deadlines. So I strongly suggest that if you offer her your services, don’t every say “I’ll try”– and leave yourself 24 solid, uninterrupted hours for at least half a dozen revisions and edits. Make sure to have plenty of coffee on hand, or I have spare ADHD pills available.*

That’s really what it’s all about, and we don’t need a 900-year-old Muppet to tell   us so. When you say “I’ll try” you really mean “I won’t, but it would probably g spot Gentleman or Not... Here I Stay #14: Social Lubricationmake you feel butt-hurt for me to tell you straight out that I won’t… so I’ll tell you I’ll try because then, even though you know just as well as me that means I won’t… you hang onto that hypothetical shred of hope, kind of like how we don’t know for sure that there aren’t aliens, ghosts, or the G-spot.”

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“Kind of” doesn’t work here, either.

Likewise, sometime can have a range of meanings, from “99% chance of never” to “I’d actually kind of like to, but only when it’s convenient for me.” And kind of is yet another. If someone can say “I kind of like you” what does that mean? I’ll toy with you until someone better comes along?

Recently I was talking to a female friend and said, “Did you just wash your hair?” Which, whether you intended it or not, comes across as “your head looks like a) a worn-out steel wool pad b) a wet poodle that just shook vigorously.” She replied, “you kind of hurt my feelings.” I was so relieved that I only kind of hurt her feelings, so I could only kind of feel like a douche.

Becca says I use qualifiers more than anyone, but personally I think our 30723056 Gentleman or Not... Here I Stay #14: Social Lubricationsociety is just obsessed with them. The most popular song last year was a request to call me maybe. The most popular book had Shades of Grey in the title. See what I mean? Even when you get a friend request on Facebook, you can choose “Not Now.”

Well, I’ve vaguely exceeded my deadline for finishing this post. I still haven’t called my brother as I had to, like, cook dinner and charge my phone. Maybe sometime tomorrow. After I try to meet my friend and, you know, just hang out.

*Disclaimer: I’m a teacher and would never advocate re-selling prescription drugs. You can have them for free! banner manly 300x105 Gentleman or Not... Here I Stay #14: Social Lubrication

Never let the truth get in the way of a good story… 

~Jason

 

 

 

Gentleman or Not… Here I Stay #10: Tips on Wooing Women

As you no doubt picked up from last week’s Gentleman or Not installment, I have quite the way with women. My recent singularity has led me to rediscover  what I do best. So as a public service, I am presenting my best tips on wooing women. Most have actually occurred in my personal interactions; of course, around here we never let the truth get in the way of a good story.

1) Of course, you should always offer to help a woman with whatever she may 33564427 Gentleman or Not... Here I Stay #10: Tips on Wooing Womenneed help with. You may find she’s really particular about how she wants something done, though.  If you’re thinking her standards are so high that she qualifies as a obvious control freak, do this: Tell her that sometimes she can be a “stone cold bitch“. Any woman with an ounce of self-respect will love you for ascribing such power and control to her. If by some small chance she doesn’t respond favorably, you can make up for it by telling her she has a hot ass, which is all the better to hang on to.

2) If she is so misguided as to interpret your “all the better to hang on to” comment as implying that she has a big ass, whatever you do, don’t try to reverse it into a compliment. Simply assert that you had good intentions all along, but humor her misunderstanding by saying, “oops, my bad.”

129086505565951725 Gentleman or Not... Here I Stay #10: Tips on Wooing Women3) On that note, make sure you take every opportunity to tell her she’s not fat– especially when she didn’t bring it up. Nothing will make a woman feel better than being told she’s not fat when she never thought about it in the first place.

4) When you reach the point of getting lucky, play it cool. After you show how much you really care by going one hundred seconds instead of your usual thirty, be sure to make as many comparisons as possible to your previous conquests. For example, if you make a deposit on her chest, make sure you mention how your last girlfriend liked to rub it into her skin, and tell her you want her to do the same. Not only are you taking control, but you’re making her feel so very special that she gets to have you now.

5) Learn how to correctly interpret remarks from her that you may initially think Gentleman or Not... Here I Stay #10: Tips on Wooing Women are insults. If she says “last time I couldn’t really feel if it was in,” she means that she was so totally enraptured in the full body and mind experience that is the result of your lovemaking prowess that she was oblivious to the sensation of just one little part. But if you strongly suspect that she is, well, belittling you, you can easily come back by saying that it must be because of her big vagina (courtesy of Larry David).

5) If, God forbid, you should lose your, well, enthusiasm in the middle of a vigorous horizontal tango, blame it on the loss of friction. Say, “It’s just that you’re too wet. I know you just can’t help getting this turned on by me.” You’re doing her a favor by teaching her to not be so selfish.

You’re welcome.

banner manly Gentleman or Not... Here I Stay #10: Tips on Wooing Women

Never let the truth get in the way of a good story… 

~Jason

Gentleman or Not… Here I Stay #7: Bro Date Consummated

You will have to forgive me for not having too much to say this Sunday. I am a-quiver with excitement Because today I am flying to Texas to spend most of the week with Becca and her hypothetical family.  But it has been a week of meetings for me, as you know if you read last week’s Gentleman or Not post, “Bro Date.”

The “Bro Date” really did go down! I drove hours upon hours– okay, half of one– to downtown Denver to the Greyhound Bus Station. Rod had to foresight to schedule his stop on Sunday, when parking meters downtown are free. I know he did that all for me, bless his heart. I don’t mean “bless his heart” as in he’s not bright, because Rod may actually be as smart as me. (Only Becca is allowed to be smarter than me… of course…) I mean, he’s just one really nice guy to arrange his whole trip for the sake of meeting yours truly. I’m sure once he actually did meet me he realized the privilege was all his, but that is another matter.

The Greyhound station in downtown Denver is both a haven for urban camping and curiously situated across the street from the Ritz Carlton. Maybe the urban campers are those who couldn’t pay their bill at the Ritz? They were helpfully directing me to go in the back door of the station while trying to alleviate the burden of too much change in my pocket or requesting I produce a hypothetical lighter.

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Smoochy smoochy

The evil bus driver seemed to be conspiring to keep Rod and I from our date as he kept delaying the bus and what was supposed to be a 90-minute layover in Denver turned into less than 30. But no human force could deny the cosmic destiny of this rendezvous. I was on the phone with him as I walked in (electing in the end to take the front door). He spotted me. I spotted him. We both knew that we had to kiss… the air and blow it to Becca.

Later I heard that Rod thought I was really nervous. I was actually pleased to hear this because it shows that among my many other talents, I am also a great actor. I made sure to appear really nervous so that he would feel more at ease. As I understood it, this was his first time meeting someone from Internetland, whereas I’ve been to this rodeo so many times they named a steer after me. So, as on any date, I put his needs first, because I’m an awesome guy like that. Now wonder I’ve been so successful at relat……. uh, nevermind.

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No cheese for you

Sadly, it was all over so quickly. I didn’t even have time to take him to Taco Bell, and here I was all ready to spring for the extra cheese. I hear a rumor that once Rod got to Missouri he was going to have a date with a woman. It’s probably a good thing that our bromance didn’t have a chance to blossom any further than it did, then. I couldn’t live with myself if I ruined him for all women.

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confident Gentleman or Not... Here I Stay #7: Bro Date Consummated ,

Jason