The Judgmental Waiter

As many of you know, my waiters tend to fall in love with me. They jump at my every whim, bring me water all the time, and ask if they can take my order.  If you’re unfamiliar, you can read more about it here.

I mentioned having lunch with my hubby, earlier this week.   We went to a little wine bar in the downtown area of the suburb we live in.  The trendy restaurant was filled to capacity for lunch that day.  We sat down at the last available table and started chatting.

Blog Snobby waiter The Judgmental Waiter

I will not look at you, Madame.

Our usual waiter came to serve us.  He is madly in love with me, though I am pretty sure he is gay.  (What? Gay men can be in love with me too!)  I smiled as I usually do, and he turned away.  He looked at my hubby and said, “You should try this new wine.  Let me get you a sample.”  He hurried back with a tiny wine glass filled with a sample for my hubby to try.  He didn’t acknowledge me or even look in my direction. I smelled my arm pits to make sure that my missed shower hadn’t made itself known.

When the waiter returned, hubby took a sip and mumbled something about it being good and asked me if I wanted to try.  I took a sip and I said something about it and the waiter still didn’t look at me. I then picked up my knife to make sure my lipstick was applied properly on my teeth.  Then I adjusted my tiara, and decided I was practically perfect.

After we had placed our drink orders, we started talking about how odd his behavior was.  This man had waited on us many times before and never ignored me. He was always friendly and open and gave us free stuff. I have always assumed it is was because of my fame as the writer of this blog.  As the lunch progressed, it became more evident that my fame could not charm him.  I couldn’t figure it out.  Was it because I wasn’t drinking wine?  Was it because I am in my season of fat?  Was it because he was jealous that Prince Harry is in love with me?

Then finally it struck me.  This was one of my go-to places to bring friends.  I have been there with most of my friends, as a matter of fact.  This means that sometimes I have been there with (dun dun duuuuun) men.  He thought I was screwing around on my husband, when in fact, every time I had been there with guy friends.  He was jealous!  He had totally planned to turn straight for me, and I had crushed his dreams.

The last time I was there I went with Jason, that writes the Gentlemen or Not… Here I Stay post on Sundays.  I went with him, another guy friend, and a girlfriend.  I had forgotten that the four of us sat down to the table and the hostess had said our waiter would be with us in a minute.  At that point, she turned around to tell the usual waiter that we were there.   Moments later, she turned back around to us and said, “I guess I’m waiting on you.”  I remember it gave me pause, but then I forgot about it.

 The Judgmental Waiter

My wine glass brings all the boys to the yard.

My husband started laughing.  He said I am the wine bar hussy.  Ho’Becca is my name.   We then started running down things we could say when he was in earshot to screw with the waiter.  “How many men did you sleep with this week?…” “The doctor says the STD testing came back negative, but they are pretty sure I have…” and let my voice trail off to a whisper.  Then say something like, “No, you ask him if he wants to join us!” while we point at him.

We did have a good laugh and tipped him well, as always.



Lady or Not… Here I Come!


The Judgmental Waiter — 114 Comments

  1. I am sure that we must be soulmates. That is exactly the type of thing SuperGeek and I would have done to him. We relish the challenge of making the world believe that we are morally corrupt and sexually ambiguous. Or is that sexually corrupt and morally ambiguous?

    • Thanks love. I take that is a great complement. You might want to run out and get the vaccine because I heard it is transferred though laughter. ;)

      No really, I am so happy you enjoy reading me so much.

  2. LOL! I once turned a gay man straight (he’s married now). I was at his house into the ‘wee small hours’ regularly listening to music and chatting. Then, one day, he suddenly made a pass at me. I ran like hell! What a shock! I don’t think it’s ‘cos I’m gorgeous though – I was probably just butch enough for him to veer from men to women – the wife he ended up with after that was quite girly actually ;-)

  3. Too funny! I hardly ever eat out anymore, but occasionally I’ll go to lunch with one of our architects, and it seems that no matter where we go, the wait staff knows what we will order.

  4. So strange. I have a friend who always gets in altercations that turn somewhat affection in an odd way with waiters. It is so funny – she is very demanding, and yet they seem to like her too, oddly. I don’t think it would work for me. Thanks. k.

  5. It could be truly hilarious if I lived there. You could take me there every Monday and hubby every Thursday, but then after several weeks switch and take me on Thursday, it would just utterly blow their minds.

      • A friend of mine told me about your blog a few months ago, she is all into blogging. I just bought my FIRST computer today. I mean I actually own this thing! It’s mine! And I love it. I thought blogging might be relaxing.

        You went to my blog already? It’s a work in progress. I hope I can put something that will rival yours! Great stories so far, all of them:-)

        • Aww who is your friend? I love it that you came here right away. Yes I went to your blog and commented. I am honored by your kind words. I look forward to hearing more from you. Congratulations on the new computer!

          • Her name is Cindy but I’m not sure what her poster name is, I’ll ask her the next time I see her. She told me you posted some very funny stuff here and the name “Lady or Not…” was really easy to remember. When I started blogging last night, your site was the very first thing that came to mind. Weird?

            Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I love this computer! I saved up for six months and then put the rest on a Best Buy card (another first). I never dreamed I might actually own an Apple MacBook. I’m in Heaven!

            • Aww very cool. I think it is neat that you remembered. Tell Cindy thank you. When you find out who exactly, I will thank her.

              Saving for something makes you appreciate it more. How cool for you!

  6. **Next time dine alone, and when he comes over, tell him you missed his service and that you can’t keep your hands above the table. **ignore this comment it is subtly raunchy…

  7. Very, very nice article, Rebecca. You know, this reminds me of a time I messed with this waitress. I made this joke about getting her phone number, and she laughed for a good thirty minutes and then told me she was happily taken. Well, she hadn’t heard the punch line yet, so I finally gave it to her and told her that it was quite alright that she was happily taken because she couldn’t afford me on a waitress’ salary. Now, I’m not saying I’m a gold digger… More like a highway robber waiting for Fortyniners to do all the hard work so I can make good on my investment in this horse I needed to get all the way to California for the Gold Rush…

Oh you know you want to give verbal ejaculation a try. Spit it out!