Go on, Outwit Yourself

You crawl into bed on a warm summer night.  The air conditioner is humming a soothing tune as you slowly drift in and out of consciousness. You flip over your pillow to the cool side and you nestle back into your blankets. Out of the blue you remember that you forgot to lock the back door.

DoorLockSigns Go on, Outwit Yourself

With this in mind you roll out of bed to lock the door. Irritated you flounce back into the bed.  Now neither side of your pillow is cool.   You wiggle around trying to find just the right position.  Again you think of waking your partner for…a midnight jockey ride. You decide against it because you know that will start a wet spot controversy.  Instead you lay there and count the seconds as they pass.

 Go on, Outwit Yourself

Relaxing don’t you think?

Soon you’re farting the alphabet out of boredom.  Brilliant thoughts come to you.  You must write them immediately or they will be lost to the human race forever.  Today’s news of Macaulay Culkin’s heroin addiction and the Olympics medal winners replay over and over like a broken record.

 Go on, Outwit Yourself

Suddenly your brain starts to take over in your weakened state. It is aware you passed on…churning butter. Taking advantage of your pathetic attempts for rest, it starts maniacally laughing.  Shuddering, you desperately attempt to distract your mind by thinking about how creepy it would be if people really winked as much as they do in texts.

churning Go on, Outwit Yourself

So sweet…

Your mind coos, “You know, there is a lot we haven’t thought about lately. We are going to think about the Miley Cyrus’ song Party In the USA.  Let’s think of the words over and over.”  You swear out loud, “Please just tar and feather me! It would be easier!” Your mate rouses for a moment to give you the go to hell look before passing back out. 

0 Go on, Outwit Yourself

Don’t you love it?

You finally get your brain to shut the hell up when the whisper comes again. “You know we haven’t thought about in a while?  Evil clowns!”  The air shuts off and your ears are buzzing with the sounds of the night. Your heart is thudding against your ribs when this image pops out at you.

stevetriola downtown the clown Go on, Outwit Yourself

Then you chuckle to yourself.  Why?  You know that you have won the battle of wits.  After all, you are randy and that clown is looking pretty good after no sleep.  “Well played” sighs your Brain.



This is the sort of post you get from Lady or Not when she is still awake at 7:32A.M. because she can’t sleep.  At least it’s Friday right?  TGIF Y’all!


Lady or Not…Here I Come


Go on, Outwit Yourself — 48 Comments

  1. Or, you could end up dreaming about Miley Cyrus churning butter while the evil clown takes her from behind and you are watching it all as you are chained to a chair in the middle of the desert high on Macaulay’s heroin and a couple in a bathtub there in a desert from those Levitra commercials are taunting you because they will be randy tonight and you are S-O-L.

  2. Why did Ted Danson immediately pop into my head when I saw that clown?

    I did that the other night, just kept thinking of stupid thing and every little sound was annoying me. Made for a long day. I hope yours is good.

  3. This was hilarious. It happens to me every night. My brain can be pretty devious and sometimes it wins. Sometimes when nothing it makes me imagine is keeping me awake, it goes to its backup plan. “Alright, I didn’t want to have to do this, but you leave me no choice. Boom! You now have an awful stomach ache.”

    I had never heard of a “wet spot controversy,” but it made me laugh out loud. You have a knack for clever wordplay and for making the mundane interesting.

    • Still not asleep, sigh. That is the nicest complement you could give me Jeremy. I aim to be as funny and well versed as you. Your poor tummy. Mean old sleep.

  4. The midnight jockey ride sounds to be the best solution
    however it has to be an all night affair, not just once round
    the track and then to sleep… Oh nooooo

    Have a very nice evening Rebecca and I hope
    that you eventually got that much needed sleep :)

    Androgoth Xx

    • I did eventually. Though this happens often because I am always writing in my head. So even when I am sleeping, I will wake up with an idea. That is how I got the name of this entire blog…Sleeping.


  5. Have to say that this post is the perfect example of why sleep matters! Definitely an enjoyable read, though, but when aren’t your posts humorous joy-rides? Keep up the work as always and get some sleep, too!

  6. I forgot to lock the door last night and had to get up. Did not get much sleep either. Had to get the kids up at 6:30. I may not sleep tonight after seeing the clown. The churning butter photo is comforting though.

    • LOL You found an older post by me. I am glad you enjoyed it. Not let the clown bother you, he is has that face because he is scare. Like Monster’s inc. :)

  7. Given that evil clowns scare the HELL out of me, I’m not sure what possessed me to even CLICK on the image. But, I read your post, and can totally relate. What is it about writers like us and insomnia? Like you, many of my ideas prevent me from sleeping. But the evil clowns keep me from getting out of my bed to grab my notebook and pen, not to mention the fact it would piss off my husband. Then again, I DO sleep with my not so smart phone. Maybe I’ll start writing notes on that. But then I might wake him with the light coming from it. SIGH. You have a great, funny blog btw! Great humor. :)

    • Thank you so much. This post was one of my first. My head was going 90 miles an hour when I started it. 10 months of writing a funny post every day has slowed that down a bit.

      That said, evil clowns are very scary. They are allergic to sexual innuendo and purple socks. So if your purple socks are dirty and you need to write, just hit on the clown and you’re good. ;)

      I hope to see you around here more.

  8. If Becca can’t sleep, no one sleeps — is that your vengeful plan? A clown at 527×625 pixels on my monitor just before bedtime? That’s so evil it violates the Geneva Conventions!

Oh you know you want to give verbal ejaculation a try. Spit it out!