First I would like everyone to check out the I Visited Ladyornot.com on Saturday and She Forgot to be Funny award winners.
1. Stealing Pesos out of My Brain—This one gave me the idea for my post today as well as writing a pee your pants funny post about his Saturdays. Nothing like a single guy who picks up chicks with his dog. http://stealingpesosoutofmybrain.com/2012/09/22/rambling-to-you-on-my-saturday/
2. WGUwizkid—Any of you that read me know I have a soft spot for teachers. Most of my best friends are teachers. This guy is new to me but I am already a fan. http://wguwizkid.wordpress.com/2012/09/22/lady-o-not-here-i-come/#comment-109
3. Will of the People—I am getting to know this blog. Seems like a funny person with very strong beliefs on love for his country. The award was great, but would have preferred the Christmas Story leg lamp. http://iamthewill.wordpress.com/2012/09/22/i-won-i-won-i-won/
4. THYNAMEISMISANTHOPY—He hates everyone but he tolerates me and knows I think he is greatness. He is smart and a great writer with some very interesting observations on life. He wants some views so he posted about me http://thynameismisanthropy.wordpress.com/2012/09/23/lady-or-not/
5. Jasonwrites–Jason loves me (or better). I am his bestest friend in the whole world. I am trying to get him to move to Texas to hang out with me and the family. (well and apparently everyone that doesn’t live in Texas as he and Jeremy proved on Facebook the other day) He will do most things I ask him to do but he is super funny and a smart teacher who skips with his students. Recently single ladies. Haiku this http://jasonwrites.com/2012/09/22/lousy-haiku-on-not-funny-saturday/
If I left anyone off please give me a heads up and I will post you tomorrow. I only got a couple of pings about it. Mostly everyone told me. If you missed out on receiving the award, there is always next Saturday.
Now for today’s post:
My household had a bout of unemployment for 2 1/2 years. Yes, it sucked. We did well because, well I sold body parts on the black market. Don’t tell. Yes, they were snowman arms but still….it gives me street cred.
My friend Jeremy (linked above) is a writer, and a friggin’ fantastic one at that. I met him through a site, that I won’t name, where he was a paid writer. He caught my attention pretty fast because he could always make me laugh (and still does, read our Dear Jeremy posts linked here). Currently this amazing writer is unemployed, which is a bummer because the world deserves to read his writing. I am sure he would love to hear from you if you have some money to throw at him.
His unemployment reminded me of what life was like when it was part of my daily life. He was taking about his life as an unemployed guy on Saturdays, and I had a thought. Being practically perfect, I should give advice on how to spend your time when you’re unemployed.
My first piece of advice is to spam the internet and call yourself a professional writer. That is what I did. It seems to work. People rave about how funny I am when I write posts about not being funny. It is a great gig because when you’re at social events you say, “hey I am a writer. I starve for my art.” Brag a lot about how many people have viewed your 2 month old (on Tuesday) blog and brag about how you used to be important. This is the key to feeling employed.
Next find someone to stalk. Don’t forget to pick good-looking people because stalking the beauty impaired is boring. I would suggest you prearrange the stalking by offering to house sit or pet set while said person is out-of-town. Also, arrange bathroom breaks for when you have a long night digging through their trash and sitting outside their window. It might be good to offer to let their dog out on occasion so they don’t get a restraining order.
Offer to cook for your friends. Say something like, I will cook if you provide the food and I can have the left overs. When they agree, make sure to schedule on a night when you don’t feel well so they end up cooking for you. Find some sort of emergency that will have them rush out of the house and offer to lock up. Then you get it all but it looks like you have something on your social calendar. Be sure to snag a bottle of wine from them on your way out.
My last idea is to become a professional couch surfer. If you do this, you can avoid rent at all costs. Tell your friends and family that you are doing this to help the environment. If they start to give you a hard time, use the argument that they don’t care about the future generations and that you’re ashamed of them. Then ask them to donate to some made up cause and go to dinner and a movie with your girl.
In the end, you should consider unemployment a vacation where you can screw with others heads and not spend any money. Kick your feet up and enjoy because….well, what else do you have going on?