First I would like everyone to check out the I Visited Ladyornot.com on Saturday and She Forgot to be Funny award winners.
1. Stealing Pesos out of My Brain—This one gave me the idea for my post today as well as writing a pee your pants funny post about his Saturdays. Nothing like a single guy who picks up chicks with his dog. http://stealingpesosoutofmybrain.com/2012/09/22/rambling-to-you-on-my-saturday/
2. WGUwizkid—Any of you that read me know I have a soft spot for teachers. Most of my best friends are teachers. This guy is new to me but I am already a fan. http://wguwizkid.wordpress.com/2012/09/22/lady-o-not-here-i-come/#comment-109
3. Will of the People—I am getting to know this blog. Seems like a funny person with very strong beliefs on love for his country. The award was great, but would have preferred the Christmas Story leg lamp. http://iamthewill.wordpress.com/2012/09/22/i-won-i-won-i-won/
4. THYNAMEISMISANTHOPY—He hates everyone but he tolerates me and knows I think he is greatness. He is smart and a great writer with some very interesting observations on life. He wants some views so he posted about me http://thynameismisanthropy.wordpress.com/2012/09/23/lady-or-not/
5. Jasonwrites–Jason loves me (or better). I am his bestest friend in the whole world. I am trying to get him to move to Texas to hang out with me and the family. (well and apparently everyone that doesn’t live in Texas as he and Jeremy proved on Facebook the other day) He will do most things I ask him to do but he is super funny and a smart teacher who skips with his students. Recently single ladies. Haiku this http://jasonwrites.com/2012/09/22/lousy-haiku-on-not-funny-saturday/
If I left anyone off please give me a heads up and I will post you tomorrow. I only got a couple of pings about it. Mostly everyone told me. If you missed out on receiving the award, there is always next Saturday.
Now for today’s post:
My household had a bout of unemployment for 2 1/2 years. Yes, it sucked. We did well because, well I sold body parts on the black market. Don’t tell. Yes, they were snowman arms but still….it gives me street cred.
My friend Jeremy (linked above) is a writer, and a friggin’ fantastic one at that. I met him through a site, that I won’t name, where he was a paid writer. He caught my attention pretty fast because he could always make me laugh (and still does, read our Dear Jeremy posts linked here). Currently this amazing writer is unemployed, which is a bummer because the world deserves to read his writing. I am sure he would love to hear from you if you have some money to throw at him.
His unemployment reminded me of what life was like when it was part of my daily life. He was taking about his life as an unemployed guy on Saturdays, and I had a thought. Being practically perfect, I should give advice on how to spend your time when you’re unemployed.
My first piece of advice is to spam the internet and call yourself a professional writer. That is what I did. It seems to work. People rave about how funny I am when I write posts about not being funny. It is a great gig because when you’re at social events you say, “hey I am a writer. I starve for my art.” Brag a lot about how many people have viewed your 2 month old (on Tuesday) blog and brag about how you used to be important. This is the key to feeling employed.
Next find someone to stalk. Don’t forget to pick good-looking people because stalking the beauty impaired is boring. I would suggest you prearrange the stalking by offering to house sit or pet set while said person is out-of-town. Also, arrange bathroom breaks for when you have a long night digging through their trash and sitting outside their window. It might be good to offer to let their dog out on occasion so they don’t get a restraining order.
Offer to cook for your friends. Say something like, I will cook if you provide the food and I can have the left overs. When they agree, make sure to schedule on a night when you don’t feel well so they end up cooking for you. Find some sort of emergency that will have them rush out of the house and offer to lock up. Then you get it all but it looks like you have something on your social calendar. Be sure to snag a bottle of wine from them on your way out.
My last idea is to become a professional couch surfer. If you do this, you can avoid rent at all costs. Tell your friends and family that you are doing this to help the environment. If they start to give you a hard time, use the argument that they don’t care about the future generations and that you’re ashamed of them. Then ask them to donate to some made up cause and go to dinner and a movie with your girl.
In the end, you should consider unemployment a vacation where you can screw with others heads and not spend any money. Kick your feet up and enjoy because….well, what else do you have going on?
LOL. Your forgot become a hand model, try bartering for food, become a drug dealer or just a PIMP. Great advise.
Thank so much. I had a long list, but people will only read so much. I might have to make another post for those ideas, David. You always give great suggestions.
You left out the best piece: Get unemployed people to pay you for giving advice on being unemployed.
Ohhh yes! I will have to do another one of these posts with comment ideas.
Love those advice but coach surfing for a good cause really rocks.
Thanks mika
It is fun and helps the environment.
become part of the 47% “victims” and say a big thank you to romney for an obama sweep!!!
LOL Indeed.
I am semi retired. When I’m bored I like to go to restaurants and stare at peoples food as they eat.
The reactions are precious.
When queried as to why I am watching them eat, my responce is: “I am really hungry and your food looks good, so I look at it”
Good Times.
That is always a fun thing to do to people. I saw a candid camera like show where they did that.
Another good time killing activity is to give useless advice to people who really dont need any advice.
Well I do that all the time.
Being formally diagnosed with that terrible disease known as Idonknwhatiwannadowhenigrowupitus at an early age, I often find myself employment challenged. I am thinking of starting a charity to combat this evil disease! Donations of any sort are welcome (including couches). I have recently taken to calling myself a writer, which lessons the disgust that being chronically unemployed seems to cause. Unfortunately nobody has actually recognized this fact as of yet. Your advice may ease my symptoms greatly!
P.S. This reminds me of a pot a wrote a while back (http://ninjacatjournals.wordpress.com/2012/05/29/a-hermits-guide-to-a-social-life/). Sorry for the blatant self plug, but it will help promote the illusion that I am actually a writer, and I might not have to suffer from my symptoms for a short while!
Great piece and thanks for the laugh … as always.
You are welcome to plug yourself anytime in my comments.
That sounds oddly painful when you put it that way ….
It is always painful.
Woohoo!
This is great advice. Thanks a lot! Now I just have to decide who to stalk. And I had no idea your snowman arm business has been going on for that long. That’s quite impressive.
Thanks. It has been quite the business model.
Also, I appreciate the complements on my writing, but next time could you also mention how handsome I am? Thanks.
Well I was considering doing a ladyornot.com bachelor contest for only the most handsome of writers and readers. You were at the top of the list.
Say what? I am going to find a corner to pout in.
What are you pouting for?
Good article! Shared it on Twitter
Thanks so much!
Pingback: Advice on becoming a writer | The Ninja Cat Journals
Ha! Good advice – I especially like the bits about the cooking. k.
Thanks so much. I hope you enjoy all the posts.
x,
Becca
Beck:
Since I am still off work with the broken ankle, does the dinner party STILL count? I am hungry and thirsty and could USE a good meal.
Surfing Couch Potato
It does count except didn’t you say you own your own business?
Grasshopper foot is actually two word….three if you count the compound separately.
Thanks….I didn’t know
I was searching for “grasshopper foot” and was directed to your page. I’ve searched the site and read a great many comments, but cannot, repeat cannot, find the reference I so desperately need.
The is just not cricket, or locust.
I suppose the world will never know.
Ladyornot.com is world-renowned for the fascinating search terms that land people here.
love the name of your blog! very creative!
Thanks. Came to me in a dream.
See, I’ve got this unemployment lifestyle down. I practice it for 2½ months during the summer, two weeks in late December/early January, a week in late March, and the entire week of Thanksgiving. I do practically nothing, and do it very well. The only problem is then they expect me to go back to work, which really interferes with my blissful unemployment lifestyle.
Listen Napoleon, don’t be jealous because I’ve been chatting with babes on the Internet, all day.
I do love you, bestest friend in the whole wide world. Thanks for the compliments and assorted mushiness
Ooh I want a stalker… wait… not if they are going to look at my food though. lol
Yeah…plus if they are like Edward, they might want to eat you.
This is pretty funny lol
I am glad you enjoyed it. I try to be funny every day.
I hope you read though some of the other posts.
x,
Becca
Thank you !!!! I am doing the same, following you, I’ve subscribed.
Your posts = funny + entertaining ?
Thanks so much ((Hugs))
I’m employed, but I think the couch surfer idea would be a great way to get a vacation on the cheap. Especially if we hit up people that cook well
It do to. But at that point I would find my way into their bed. My back hurts so do they mind switch places with me?
Too right, Bec, but being on the point of running out of actual dollars – and I’ve been there a couple of time – sure concentrates the mind
It really does. That is why I wrote this. Most people have been there in one way or another. It is better to laugh about it than to dwell is always the place my mind goes. I love that we can laugh through the pain.
Wow! For a minute there I thought you had been stalking me since I have been out of work. Pretty much sums it up though. Stellar advice, of course, I have to find pull out couches to surfe on so He-Who can come to.
Nope I have not been stalking you….but are you stalking me.
Thanks for stopping by. I hope to see you around soon.
x,
Becca
Great post. On the couch surfing – it reminded me of my wife’s uncle who’s a professional housesitter. He has no home of his own and simply moves from place to place in California looking after rich people’s homes while they’re on holiday.
Thanks so much for visiting. I hope to see you back soon. Your uncle sounds great.
x,
Becca
Do grasshoppers have feet?
Lately I tell my husband I’m sick so that he cooks. I’m curious how long I can keep this going…
I say keep it going until he says something bwahahahahahha
You make unemployment sound like so much fun! Perhaps it’s time for me to give it a serious try, make an unemployment plan. After all, I live in Portland, “the place where young people go to retire”.
You should try it. It is a blast!